


Diary Of Loki's Chambermaid

by Palefire73



Series: Erika - The Girl Who Could Save A God [2]
Category: Elrond - Fandom, Loki - Fandom, Marvel, Thor - Fandom, odin - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Asgard, Astral Projection, Attempted Rape, Attempted Sex, Clones, Confinement, Death, Dream Sex, Drunk Loki, Execution, F/M, Growing love, Heartbroken Loki, Imprisoned Thor, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki Posing as Odin, Loki as a rescuer, Lonely Loki, Master/Servant, Midgard, Midgardian Character, Minor Violence, Mystery, Post-Thor: The Dark World, Slow Burn, Thor Angst, attempted regicide, characters from other fandoms, cruel loki, original female character diary, potential for fluff, teen diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-02-22 10:57:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 73
Words: 59,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2505317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Palefire73/pseuds/Palefire73
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Diary Of Loki's Chambermaid 1: Appointment</p><p>The diary entries made by Erika, Loki's chambermaid following events in the story "Am I Truly A Monster?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 1: Appointment

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this series, you can inbox me a one line story line for Erika and I will credit you. No sex and no Midgard scenarios, please.

I have to write this down.

I really cannot keep it in, but I have no one I can turn to about this.

 

If this journal is found, I’m as good as dead, but I need to get it out of me, even if I end up burning it. I just don’t know what to do – I had a bad day today and I just can’t share this with anyone. Not my mum, not my brother, not even my best friend. I’d even be wary of telling my cat! I’ve just had to force my supper down because I feel so sick.

 

Dare I write this?

 

 

I could leave the name out, or write it as code. No, that’s silly – what I’ve got to say would make it obvious who it is.

 

No matter – I’m going to write it, read it, then burn it.

 

Or I could put it in my safe space, where I keep all my treasures. I can’t risk my family being dragged into danger because of a teenager’s diary entries. He might use them against me. He might kill them, too.

 

Here goes….

 

(Oh Gods, I’m paranoid about someone watching over my shoulder while I’m writing. Now got a candle and I’ve draped a blanket over the door to stop anyone peeping through knot holes….)

 

Anon, this is what happened today:

 

I have found Loki.

Yes, Loki. As in Odinson, or Laufeyson, depending on what mood he is in I think. As in Thor’s brother. I have seen him, spoken to him and even touched him. I know it sounds like fantasy or delusion, but I am telling the truth and he is right under the nose of everyone. It was at the Palace on my cleaning round. Well, I say mine. I mean Helena’s!

 

I covered for her today, because she was off again! Actually, it turned out that she had been told by Odin her services were not required, but no one else knew, especially me as I went to do the room she had been assigned to do this week. It was only Odin’s suite, wasn’t it? Of all the suites in the Palace. It was so unfair of the Seneschal to put me on it. He did it because he knew I would do a good job, even though I get annoyed at how much work there is compared to what some of the other girls get away with.

Like Evalena; she gets the wing where Fandral stays much more often than I do and he leaves her presents if she does a good job. What do I get? The wing where Volstaag stays. And all I get is the pleasure of cleaning up after his messy midnight snacking sessions!

Anyway, I was late going to Odin’s suite this morning and the laundry maids were only a few rooms behind me, stripping and changing all the linen and silks and replacing towels etc. I got there and I went in only to find it a complete shambles! Worse than anything I’d had to clean before. There were clothes everywhere. Half empty plates of food, goblets, bowls. Things were knocked over – it looked like there had been a wild party there. But I tidied it up. I did a very good job in a very short time, opened the windows, lit some incense, and polished everything. Then I went to strip the bed for the laundry maids, looking forward to a sit down afterwards for my aching feet. There was an empty bottle of that vile Dwarven liquor there on the floor, which I binned.

 

That’s when I found him. Without a word of a lie, when I pulled the drapes back – he was there. Strip naked, cuddling a half empty bottle of that Dwarven stuff and snoring his head off. I didn’t know it was him at first, because his face was buried in pillows, but as I went to cover him up, he woke up and grabbed my hand. He sat up and demanded to know who I was, but he scared the living daylights out of me! He looked awful. He stank of alcohol and dirt and sweat and he was scruffy and hungover. I couldn’t believe it was him. He looked like a tramp.

I was shocked about him being alive. I was struck dumb! I used to have a crush on him when he was younger. But he was never the same after he destroyed the Bifrost and went to Midgard. There is something deeply wrong with him. He has turned into a bitter, twisted man. He was so horrible to me then. He almost tried to make me do things (with that part of him – ew!) until I told him he needed a bath. I was so horrified when it slipped out of my mouth, but he did need one – he stank!

 

And that is why I have had a horrible experience today. Because of whom I'd found and what I said to him. He made me run a bath for him and get in it to bathe him and he was really nasty. He humiliated me terribly and I thought he was going to kill me at one point. I am shaking thinking about it but I am so relieved to be here able to write about it, because I didn’t think I was ever going to leave that room. I am so scared of him that I don’t have the words to explain on paper. Basically, Loki is Odin now. I suppose it explains why the All-Father has been so different lately. Everyone thinks it’s because of the death of Frigga and Loki, as well as Thor’s return to Midgard, but it’s actually because Loki is ruling. And he is just not the same kind of man as Odin. And where is Odin? He said he is safe.

 

This is terrible. I should tell someone. But who can I turn to? Who would believe me? Loki has already told me he will kill me if I reveal his presence. So, I don’t know what to do.

 

Anyway, that was my experience this morning. It got much worse this evening.

 

The reason why I am risking writing all this down? Because it may be one of the last things I do. And I’m not just being an over dramatic teen.

 

This morning was so scary and horrible that I pleaded illness and came home early. Mother was worried, but I told her it was my moon-cycle. She gave me some raspberry leaf tisane and sent me up here to go to bed to get some sleep before supper. So we were all about to eat when Seneschal arrived with some news. Mother and Father are absolutely elated with it and Mother has even gone over to her sister’s house to gossip and show off about it. The news she is so happy about, that has made both of my parents really proud of their little 16 year old daughter is this: I’ve been promoted.

 

I am now Odin’s personal chambermaid and general assistant. In other words, I am to clean for and care for Loki exclusively. No more weekly rota changes. And no one else is to be assigned to Odin’s suite from now on.

 

I start tomorrow morning. My new uniform is hanging on my closet door.

 

Loki said he’d find a way to keep me quiet.


	2. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 2: First Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked it, you can inbox me a one line scenario for Erika and I will credit any I use.
> 
> No sex and no Midgard scenes, please.

I cannot go back. Oh, dear Gods, I can not go back to that again. I hate it. I hate everything about it. This morning was a disaster and Loki is a beast!

 

I need to get out of this somehow, but I don’t know how to. Why did it have to be me who was given Helena’s rota yesterday? I need to get out of this uniform. I’ll write later.

 

Alright, I have calmed down somewhat now. However, I meant what I wrote earlier. I don’t know how I am going to go back to the Palace again – I wish it was a rest day. Loki has just been so cruel to me so far. Everything started well enough first thing this morning; Mother was keen for me to make a good impression, so she woke me up really early and we had our breakfast. Then I had a bath with some really expensive perfume in it and washed my hair. I got dressed in my uniform, which is actually really nice – far better than the general one all the other chambermaids are given. It is made of really comfortable material and has been cut to exactly my size. It is in a beautiful blue colour with red and silver trim and Mother wove similar coloured ribbon through my braided hair to go with it. She said the King’s maid should look like she had made an effort to reflect her rank. She even lent me some blue sandals to go with it until I can get my own.

 

I went to Seneschal, as he told me to yesterday, half an hour before everyone else arrived so he could instruct me. He said Odin had been impressed with my housekeeping, had apologised for interrupting me and dismissing me before I could finish my duties and had then decreed I was to be promoted for my dedication. I was to go for a private interview (Seneschal actually sneered at me as he said this!) in a few minutes, where I would meet with Odin over breakfast and discuss my duties.

 

So, I went to the All-Father’s suite to “meet” Odin. Went I went in, he was standing there, looking all regal and benevolent. But that was for the benefit of the guards outside. Once the doors were shut, he transformed right in front of me into Loki, who was looking like one of those Midgardian ‘rockstars’ in his black leather pants, green shirt and his long black hair. He had an attitude about him that shouted out he was in charge, in a mood and not about to be nice just for the sake of it! He looked me up and down in my new uniform, then reached out and undid the top two buttons on the blouse, which really made me feel uncomfortable and said “You’ll do.”

 

All this made my stomach feel sickly, but I thought I’d make the first move, so I dropped him a curtsey, said “Good morning, Your Highness.” and held out the clothes he’d lent me yesterday. I managed it all quite well – no wobbly voice or anything, so I was quite proud of myself. He made the clothes disappear with a wave of his hand and that did shock me. So I ended up staring at him, like a simpleton, and that seemed to make him annoyed. He told me to sit with him for breakfast and HE actually served ME! But then he told me it would be the one and only time. Then he told me some of my duties.

 

They go like this at the moment:

 

7.00 am – arrive at his suite and wake him up with a cup of Midgardian tea.

Run his bath while he drinks his tea in bed

While he is bathing, put out his clothes and set out breakfast.

 **DRESS HIM**!! Dress him? I can  **NOT**  do that!

7.45 am – serve him his breakfast.

8.00 am – he will leave to go to council before court. I am to clean the room from top to bottom and remove the breakfast crockery.

 

The first thing I did wrong was to question why I had to dress him instead of a valet. I got a slap round the face for that. No warning. Just a sudden impact on my cheek followed by intense stinging. I was so shocked, I just couldn’t react, not even yell, or anything.

He sat there like nothing had happened and carried on talking. He told me I may leave at 11.00 am for a few hours, unless he has specific things he wishes me to carry out. But I have to be back in the evening to serve him his evening meal, unless he is eating socially in the dining hall. So, some days I have to go back! My working day is supposed to be 8.00am until 1.00p.m. Now it seems I will be at his beck and call. That was so much of an issue for me that I made my second mistake of the morning and told him so.

 

He leapt out of his chair, grabbed me round the throat with one hand and my arm with the other and pulled me out of my chair. He walked really fast into the bathroom, almost dragging me along because my feet couldn’t keep up and he bent me over the bath.

 

What he said then has left me so scared, I just don’t know what to do. He said “You would not be the first maid who slipped and drowned while cleaning that”!  _Not the first_? Dear Gods, what has been going on? He pulled me back to the chair at the table and shoved me back down on it. I swear I’m covered in bruises.

 

So they are my duties for my first week while I get settled in, then he will tell me what else is expected of me.

 

After he’d told me all of that, he had me doing all sorts for an hour, while he got into his royal dress for court. I tidied up, I cleaned the bathroom, made his bed, combed his hair, put his shoes on, straightened his clothing on him, buffed his fingernails. Once he was ready for court, he told me I could go, but to be back this evening. Then he bade me stand still because he had one last thing for me. He came to stand close behind me and moved my braid out of the way with his freezing fingers, then wrapped a blue silk scarf around my neck. He pulled on it and made it go tight and I panicked and grabbed it. But then he snatched my hand away. He yanked it tighter and told me it would be easy to keep pulling and it made me cry. He is so  **nasty**! When he heard me crying, he stopped and loosened it and said he wouldn’t have had to do it if I wasn’t so disobedient. He said I needed to keep it on to cover his fingermarks on my neck from when he had grabbed me earlier.

 

Which I’m looking at right now in my mirror.  I can  **not**  go back there tonight. I don’t want to be in the company of that man again. But I don’t know how to get out of it. I know faking ill health will not work. Mother and Father will be utterly disappointed if I do anything to jeopardise this post. And I can’t say anything to them about why I feel this way.

 

How am I going to do everything Loki tells me to do? And this is supposed to be my ‘easy, settling in’ week! What more will he ask of me when I have ‘settled in’?

 

**_I just want to curl up into a ball and never wake up……….._ **


	3. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 3: No Routine At All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked it, you can inbox me a one line story line for Erika and I will credit any I use.
> 
> No sex and no Midgard scenarios, please.

It’s me again. Sorry I haven’t written – I’ve been so tired over the last few days. I am tired right now, but I’m just so amazed I have managed to get through them and keep my sanity, that I feel compelled to document them.

 

I still hate my so-called promotion. The other maids have started to snub me because I’ve been singled out by ‘Odin’ – if only they knew! I would happily trade places with them any day. It’s quite upsetting; because I still see them and some of my duties mean I also work alongside some of them at various points during the day. So there are girls who I have trained alongside and even become friends with, who are now ignoring me!

I think I left my last entry part way through my first day, so I’ll let you know what happened. I went back to serve Loki his evening meal. This consisted of me collecting a serving trolley from the kitchens put together by the head chef and being accompanied by one of the other chefs back to Odin’s suite. The chef announced each course then left, which meant I would actually be serving him. Another thing I haven’t been trained in: silver service. Still, I did the best I could and he didn’t complain. It was awkward, though. Standing there, awaiting instructions while someone eats alone is quite sad, too. It’s not good to dine on your own. No conversation, no laughter, not even a companionable silence. I think it was the first time I felt sorry for him, actually.

 

He drank quite a lot, too. At least three goblets of wine with his meal and there was probably the same left in the carafe as he dismissed me for the evening.

 

So……. the following day was my first proper start to the routine he had laid down. I got the morning tea tray from the kitchens and went to his suite. I arrived a couple of minutes early so I could prepare the tea before waking him. I was so nervous; I can’t explain it on paper! I so hoped he would just be curled up under his covers like any normal person, not like that day I found him when………. oh, never mind.

Anyway, thankfully, the bed drapes were open and he was awake and sitting up already. He even volunteered a half-cheerful “Good Morning”, which surprised me. I made his tea, then went to draw a bath – which brought back bad memories, but I shoved them to one side. I can’t relive the moment he almost drowned me every time I go in there, I just can’t!

 

He took his bath and I prepared his breakfast, which was just fruit that day, which I found strange, but each to their own, I suppose.

 

Then came the bit I had been dreading.

 

Dressing him.

 

He is so much taller than me for a start. Then there is having to be so close to him. And possibly touching him. It’s so awkward and embarrassing. It’s as if he has told me to do this as a punishment. I had laid out the clothes and, in the end, it was only a matter of taking them over to him and helping him on with them. Fortunately and to my relief, he was wearing underclothes when he came back out of the bathroom, so it wasn’t too bad. The definition of dressing him turned out to be tying laces where he couldn’t reach, fastening buckles, brushing fluff off and ensuring armoured parts were highly polished. Asgardian Royal apparel is so complicated to put on! He got a bit annoyed when I couldn’t figure out how to put on his pauldron, but when I apologised and said I’d never seen armoured dress up close, he softened a bit and explained how to do it. Once it was all on, he transformed his features into those of Odin and I combed his hair and beard and helped him on with his eyepatch, which was a bit gross.

 

He told me my evening was free because there was a ceremonial feast on and he would be attending, so after he left for court, I cleaned the room and breezed home, so relieved at how it hadn’t been as bad as I had feared it would be.

 

The following morning soon dashed all that. I arrived with the tea tray slightly early again and went in. The curtains were drawn at the windows and the room was in darkness, so I opened them, made the tea and went to awaken Loki. The drapes were drawn around the bed. I opened one of them slowly and what I saw made my belly drop with anxiety.

 

He was sprawled on top of the sheets, deeply asleep and stark naked, with his arm flung over one of the palace courtesans, who was similarly fast asleep, her head buried in the sumptuous pillows. I didn’t know what to do. He was plainly Loki, not Odin. Did this girl know? Was he bothered?

 

So, I shook him. It took a few goes, but I managed to wake him and to stop him from talking by placing a finger on his mouth and pointing in the girl’s direction. He nodded and winked at me and transformed into Odin before slapping her on her bare behind to wake her up. I, meanwhile, retreated into the bathroom.

 

 

Later, over breakfast, he actually thanked me for what I did – I think that shocked me more than any of his other behaviour.

 

So, things went well for a couple of days and I felt like I was falling into a routine of sorts. He was never nice as such, but he wasn’t nasty; he just treated me like the servant I am. I was even looking forward to being instructed about more responsibilities.

 

Ha! That all changed this morning.

 

I just do not know what the matter is with him, but I hope this will not become a regular thing, because people will eventually notice if I keep leaving for home with marks on me or rips in my clothing – or even wearing something completely different to when I showed up for duty. The previous two days had seen Loki already up and about or at least awake when I arrived, but this morning the curtains were closed again and the bed drapes were shut. Assuming he had made use of a courtesan again, I made his tea quietly, ran a hot scented bath and then peeked inside the heavy drapes surrounding the bed.

 

Loki was alone, but he was breathing fast and really shallowly and was incredibly pale. He was sweating profusely and his face was taut in anger, then fear and other emotions. As I pulled back the drape, he began to thrash about in his sleep, making guttural noises and high pitched whines alternately. His arm flew out and he caught my eye with his hand. I know it wasn’t his fault, but it really hurt and I felt the bruise starting to swell almost immediately. I called his name, but he was embroiled in his dreams.

 

So I did a foolish thing.

 

I climbed onto the side of the bed, intending to grab his arm and try to shake him to wake him up. What actually happened was that he reacted to my presence in his sleep, got hold of my arms, flipped me over and sat astride me. He was only just starting to come out of his nightmare as he pinned my arms over my head and brought his face down towards mine. I think that was my new ‘most terrifying’ moment with him; I was utterly powerless against him.

 

But then he woke up properly and looked all confused and then got really angry. He started shouting at me, demanding to know what I was doing there. Then, without giving me a chance to reply, he leant down and kissed me really hard – so hard it hurt my mouth and I started to struggle. He let me go, calling me a tease, a slut and other horrible names, then slammed into the bathroom.

 

I sat shaking for a bit, not sure what to do, but then I heard him bathing, so I decided to put his breakfast out. I straightened the bed and laid out his clothes, too. Just as I had poured a fresh cup of tea, he came back out in his bath robe and said he was surprised to see me still there. He asked me why I had been on his bed, so I explained. He just smirked and said I’d better be more careful in future; a bed was for only two things and I hadn’t been asleep. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but I just tried to ignore it and go about my duties. As I tightened the buckles on his vambraces, he lifted my face by the chin and looked at my blackening eye. It was really hard not to look into his eyes. They are so cruel and hard, yet at the same time they are incredibly beautiful. He placed his other hand on my eye and the pain went. He healed it!

 

I just can’t work him out. It seems the routine is that there will be no routine at all.

 

I’m not on duty tomorrow. He’s away in Vanaheimr on some diplomatic visit.

 

Loki.

 

Diplomatic?


	4. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 4: Ask No Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story
> 
> No good when your time spent with your hostile employer is longer than that you spend with your family.  
> And just what was Erika thinking when she left that note?

I’ve been thinking. I know – it’s not necessarily a good thing. But I have questions, though and lots of them. Alright, here are some:

 

How come Loki is not dead – that’s the BIG question, of course  
Why is he ruling Asgard in his father’s place?  
Where IS Odin?  
Does anyone else know about the situation? Loki says I am the only one, but how can he be really sure? How does he explain his body at his Death Rites?  
What has happened to Loki to make him this way? He used to be a good sport, even if a bit mean now and then.  
How can I keep this secret indefinitely? It’s bound to be discovered somehow, isn’t it?  
Will he ever see something in my mind to give away the fact I am keeping a diary?  
Will he EVER relieve me of my duties? What if I would like a holiday?

 

And I have many more than just these. They plague me. I should be able to leave work behind when I’m at home, but I am living it round the clock at the moment. Oh, WHY did Seneschal choose me that day?

Oh, and by the way, now I have been doing this job for a couple of weeks, my responsibilities have increased and I am working full-time, from seven in the morning until he finishes his evening meal some days. It’s exhausting, especially with the hour’s walk back home at the end of the day. My mother has even pointed out that I look drained and that my uniform is getting loose around my waist. She mentioned coming in for a private audience with Odin to discuss all this work load on the shoulders of a sixteen year old, but I’ve managed to put her off so far!

 

Would you like to know all my grand duties? Well, I now go to council with him to be at his beck and call while he talks to advisors and hands out instructions to do with the running of the Palace, Warrior Corps, public services and so on. Then, while he holds court, I go back to his suite and clean it. Instead of going home, as I used to, I now go to the servants’ quarters and have my lunch there. I even grab a nap sometimes. Then I carry out various tasks, depending on the day. It could be an especially thorough cleaning of his suite, arranging laundry service, changing all the flowers in the suite, tidying his desk – oh, anything he decides should be done. Then, most evenings of late, it has been finishing with serving his supper.

 

He hasn’t eaten socially for about ten days now. I don’t know if it is voluntarily or if because there have been no occasions to be held, but I find it so sad. I’ve been reminded that having a family to go home to is really important since I became Loki’s maid. I almost want to invite him back to our house, because I feel so sorry for him……..

And the amount he drinks! It cannot be good for him.

Last night, when I left him to go home, I almost felt guilty for leaving him in such a state. I’d served his meal as usual; only a dozen polite words exchanged at most, then he’d sat nursing his FOURTH goblet of wine, watching me from half closed, tired eyes that were beginning to get that glazed look that people get when they are inebriated. He seemed to be getting agitated as I cleared everything away, then cleaned the table and set things straight, and he told me to stop in a really harsh voice. I still don’t quite know how to take him and I hesitated with my cloth, not wanting to leave it unfinished, but knowing I’d be in trouble if I didn’t do as he told me.

 

He was glaring at me really horribly and his jaw was set as if he was seconds from erupting into a temper, so I just said “Yes, Your Highness” with a curtsey and got the supper tray. As I was going, he told me to spend some more time with my family and to not turn up until nine the following morning with his tea.

 

As I went, though, I saw him pouring more wine from the carafe.

 

So, this morning, I actually had a decent breakfast with my family instead of sneaking out at six o’clock and eating a few pieces of fruit on my way to the Palace. Mother was pleased; she is still going on about seeing my ‘boss’ about the long hours and my weight loss because I’m tired and don’t eat well.

But this morning she braided my hair with the ribbons for the first time in a week or so, then handed me a small bag with my lunch in. I realise now how spoiled I was when I was one of the main crew.

 

I’m eating that lunch now. I know it’s silly, but I’m writing this in the Palace. I’ve scared myself with the thought that someone will find it, so I won’t do it again.

Loki wasn’t in his room this morning. He had left me a note, though. I’ve got it here. His handwriting is so elegant! And the note is so different to how he speaks to me. More personal, somehow. I’ll stick it to the page:

 

 

“Erika,

I hope this finds you in rested and good spirits following, I hope, a lie-in and breakfast with your family. I expect you will make up for lost time by carrying out your duties quickly and efficiently; my absence today should help with that.

I will not be back until very late and I do not expect you to wait around for me. Please have a cold supper brought to my rooms and I will serve myself. I will see you at the usual time tomorrow.

Odin”

 

 

Oh, got to go and do the afternoon duties now – back soon x

 

 

Right, I’m back home now, but I’m getting changed to go and eat supper with everyone. I’ll write in a bit!

 

 

Well, where was I? Oh yes, I did as he asked. I changed one thing, though. Because I was the one who took his supper tray up, there was no need for a chef and no wine was selected to complement his meal. I took some iced Asgardian apple juice up for him instead. Not a drop of alcoholic beverage in sight.

I suppose I’ll know tomorrow whether I made the right choice or not – and whether I’ve landed myself in more trouble.

 

Because I left a note back. Only because I know no one would go in that room.

 

Not sure I should have. He’s always telling me off when I forget my place and call him by his name instead of his title. So a note might be just a little bit too informal for his liking. But I didn’t like going a whole day without communicating with him.

 

In the note I thanked him for allowing me the time to spend with my family, then I waffled on about all I had managed to get done for him today. But I think I may have gone a step too far when I explained why I chose juice for his suppertime drink. I told him his drinking worried me. I left the note sticking out from just under the coaster his goblet sits upon, so he should have spotted it. I addressed it to Odin, of course.

 

But it’s Loki who occupies my thoughts. And the more I think about it, the more I dread his reaction to my note.

 

But it’s too late now………..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to kitanafury.deviantart.com/ for confirming that exploring Loki as a potential alcoholic would be interesting; here is the start of that particular strand of the plot being woven :D


	5. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 5: Fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story
> 
> She's just a girl and now her well-meant naivety has brought the monster. 
> 
> What will the consequences of her actions be ..............?

I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it, but there was just something in me that wanted to let Loki know I am worried about him. I’m not encouraged to talk to him and get told off if I’m too informal, so a note just seemed to be the answer.

 

But now, I’ve caused someone to be hurt – it was all my fault. Now I’m worried he will hurt my family and friends. Oh Gods above, I wish I’d never applied to work in the Palace.

 

I’ve got to write quickly, because I know they'll be coming for me. I need to get this down on paper quickly.

 

I went to the palace this morning, got the breakfast tray and went to Odin’s suite. When I got there, it looked worse than the first time I’d seen it; it looked wrecked. The table was overturned and everything off it strewn about. I started to get really angry at being expected to just put his mess right and I slammed the tray down then stalked over to the bed and yanked the drapes open. What I found was completely unexpected. It was one of the courtesans – one of the youngest, barely older than me and she was cowering away from me, the sheets drawn up to her face in some kind of imagined protection. She was a mess! Her face was tear-stained, her make up had run everywhere and one eye was bruised and swollen shut. The angry bruise around it matched another on her jaw and there was a split on her lip in the middle of a third. It was terrible! She seemed not to know what to do.

 

I ran through to the other rooms and the bathroom, looking for Loki, worried that he had let his disguise slip somehow, but there was no sign of him, so I went back to her. I reassured her I meant no harm to her and I eventually got her into a robe and took her back to the part of the Palace where the courtesans reside. But, before we made that trip, here is what she told me had happened:

 

Odin had come to the courtesan’s wing of the Palace very late the previous evening. Many of the girls were already taken or in bed. She, Yamina, was one of a few still up and about and caught his eye, so she had accompanied him back to his suite. She noticed he was actually very drunk, so she was hoping he wouldn’t last very long, or would maybe even pass out before anything happened at all. They arrived at his chambers and he offered her some supper as he had had his personal maid arrange it for him. So she had accepted and then asked to powder her nose while he went to see what there was. She also said to me that all the courtesans had been instructed that Odin had started to prefer to use their services in the bath of late. That made me feel sick.

 

Then she said everything had happened really fast, literally in seconds. She heard a curse from out in the main bedroom where the supper had been set on a dining table. She said she heard everything being swept from the table and onto the floor, so she went out to see what was wrong, only for him to turn on her.

 

I can’t write what he did. He is a monster. That courtesan now thinks that Odin is violent and a drunk. But it’s Loki who did that to her.

 

No, I’ve got to tell how it was. But I’m running out of time. I know they’re on their way. He must have discovered the state of his room by now.

 

Alright, quickly:

 

She said that, in his drunkenness and anger, Odin had back-handed her and demanded to know if she was in collusion with his maid. That gave her the split lip. When she had asked what he meant, he had shouted at her and then struck her on the jaw so hard she fell and banged her face on the leg of the upturned table. Bruises two and three happened then.

 

She said she had never seen Odin in such a rage and didn’t know what to do at all. But he grabbed her and pushed her on to the bed and then went into the bathroom, where he stayed for a long time while she sat petrified, waiting to see what would happen next, too scared of him to move. When he came back out, he had showered, put on a robe and completely calmed down! Even though she was still clearly terrified and in pain from her bruises, he still took his rights with her, then passed out. When she awoke this morning, he had gone and then she had heard the door open. She thought I was Odin returning.

 

That’s when I got her out of that suite and I came straight home. I just left the room in the mess it was and I came home. I didn’t know what else to do because I didn’t want to stay there a minute longer. I didn’t want Loki to return. I should have put wine with that supper.

 

I should never have written that note.

 

Oh Gods, they’re here.

 

 

I can hear the Palace Guard asking for me………


	6. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 6: The Downward Spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story
> 
> Erika is punished, but she is more worried about Loki than herself.............

Dear Diary, I have never needed you as much as I do now. I truly have nowhere to turn. My family have been told I am in trouble for helping a criminal in the Palace, which I cannot deny, as I would be making our King out to be a liar. I have simply refused to talk to them about it, as it breaks my heart that Loki would try to drive a wedge between us like this. I am escorted everywhere in the Palace by a guard; I am even picked up by one at home and taken back again when I am done with my duties. That’s if he lets me go home; he has taken to insisting upon overnight stays on some nights, in case he needs me at an unsocial hour. It’s as if he is trying to control every moment of my day – and night. I know you won’t believe this, but he has made me wear a muzzle when I am out and about in the Palace. I cover it with a silk scarf to hide my embarrassment and the word has been put about that I have been ordered to be silent as a punishment for “aiding a criminal”.

That day the guards arrested me? Well, I was taken straight to him in his suite; whereupon he locked me in and told me I would not be leaving until I had cleared up all the mess that I had neglected to attend to. My punishment is awful! I also get utter silence from him, other than orders to carry out tasks. No “please”, “thank you” or “hello”. He treats me like I am some kind of machine. I can’t stand the complete lack of speech; it’s starting to drive me mad.

 

On top of all that, the courtesan I helped has gone missing. Oh, I must go – the guard is here to take me to the Palace. I’ll write again soon.

 

 

Thank goodness I’m home; I’ve got lots to tell!

 

I had to stay last night again. I hate it! I got there yesterday, made the tea, ran the bath and went to wake him up. He was curled up like a baby; his arms wrapped around a pillow, hugging it tight and he looked so peaceful. I’ve never seen him like that before, but I noticed he had that blue shawl bundled up next to his face. The one he had hold of that day I first discovered him. I’m sure it must have been Frigga’s.

 

I didn’t want to wake him up in case he would be angry at me seeing him like that, so I made the tea cup rattle in it’s saucer as I placed it on his bedside table. By the time the sound had fully roused him from his sleep, I was back over at the table sorting out his breakfast. It didn’t take him long to adopt the stern attitude he’s had towards me since I helped the courtesan and the rest of the morning was spent in utter silence. Loki then went off to court without me and I spent the day carrying out tasks whilst being followed around by my new babysitter.

 

Did I tell you about him? He’s a new recruit to the Palace Guard. He’s probably mortified that he has to trail around after a disgraced maid all day instead of doing the duties he signed up for. He’s not allowed to speak to me unless absolutely necessary, either. Anyway, I got lots done and I even had the supper ready for the tired and moody “King” to return to. He removed my muzzle, then I helped him out of his armour as usual and he went for a quick shower while I hung it all up in the closet. He was wearing his usual green and black when he came back out (how come there are no questions asked about that in the laundry? They’re not what Odin would wear!) and he actually asked me if I had eaten anything during the day. It took me a minute to answer I have to say because I was quite surprised. Anyway, I’d not eaten since mid-morning – because I can’t eat through solid metal, can I? So I actually took supper with Loki – he let me sit at the table as well, which was a bit awkward, because he then didn’t talk to me again. He didn’t eat much, either and it was really hard to not look each time he refilled his glass from the wine carafe. He just sat there, sipping from his glass, watching me eat. I felt really uncomfortable, so I finished up quickly and cleared everything but the carafe and his glass away.

He asked me to tidy his desk, which took ages because he always leaves it in a mess, but expects everything to be put back in the correct manner.

And he stared at me the whole time. He was drinking steadily from that damned glass. I could tell he was getting drunk, because he went even quieter and his head started to hang down. His hair fell over his face and the glass threatened to spill everywhere, so I went over and took it from him. He looked up at me and I was really scared he would hit me or something, but his eyes were red-rimmed and he just looked miserable. He was so drunk, he didn’t say anything. His eyes rolled up and his head fell forwards again. It was no good! He’s not even a merry drunk! He doesn’t do this socially or to celebrate. It’s alone, in his room, until he passes out. I think he drinks to forget.

Well, I shook him and I told him it was time for him to retire. I don’t know how we managed, because he is so tall and he was next to useless at walking, but we staggered over to the bed and he fell almost all the way on to it and passed out completely. I struggled, but I managed to get his legs on as well, then I took off his slippers. I didn’t know whether to undress him or not, because it was the first time I’d ever actually helped him to bed. I’ve slept over sometimes since my arrest, but it has always been in the servants’ quarters with a guard outside. I knew he never had anything on when I woke him up in the mornings, but I didn’t want to try to get the clothes of a six foot something, incredibly drunk and so very heavy unconscious man. But I didn’t want to be told off and punished for allowing him to crease his clothing.

 

It didn’t end up mattering in the end. I tried pulling his arm out of his shirt, but he pulled me down beside him, cuddled up behind me and started snoring. It was awful! He stank of the wine, he was snoring right into my ear and his arm was like a dead weight on my stomach – which was bad because I needed the bathroom!

 

I did manage to sneak away and use the bathroom. It was really late and I decided to go and sleep in the servants’ quarters. Forget the clothes – it was his own fault! I was washing my hands when I heard the first shout. It made me jump! I went to see what the matter was and it was those dreams again. He was having an awful nightmare. I don’t know how anyone can move around and shout as much as he was and not wake up. I was tempted to try to wake him, but you know what he did the last time I tried that. Then I did have an idea. I got the blue shawl from the wardrobe and folded it into a small bundle – it smelled faintly of sweet lilac. Really carefully, I placed it near his face and moved his hand to lie on it. He seemed to sense it and he was transformed. I could see him relaxing and all the fear and anger went from his face.

 

I slept there anyway. I put pillows down the middle of the bed just in case. I didn’t hear a thing in the night, so I think he got a decent sleep. I have to admit, though, I made the tea and put out his breakfast after I’d managed to sneak that shawl back into the wardrobe and taken the pillows away. He’d go mad if he knew I’d stayed the night with him.

 

He didn’t mention the night before when I woke him. I think he had a bad hangover, so I put a remedy in his tea – one you can’t taste – and hoped he would feel better. It’s the weekend, so he let me off after serving him his breakfast.

 

I hope he slept it off.............


	7. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 7: A Man In Uniform

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story
> 
> It seems Erika may have something positive come from the punishment she had been subjected to........

I think I’m in love!

 

Ha! Now I’ve written it, it sounds silly. But he’s really sweet and he’s nice to me and he’s actually good looking and well, all kinds of things really. He’s called Alexander and he’s the guard who has been putting up with me these last few weeks.

I (finally) was allowed to have the muzzle left off. I think Loki got the message that it was a barbaric punishment after I fainted recently because I’d not had any food or water all day. He is so inconsiderate! He put it on me, then went to an outlying village to subdue some unrest and didn’t get back until sundown and _still_ expected me to attend him. He ignored me pointing at it because he was in a mood. I had to serve him food, which was _torture_ then I woke up in the healing rooms. They told me Odin had brought me because I’d blacked out inexplicably.

He never apologised, but he’s not made me wear it since. I’m in the habit of being quiet around him now anyway, so refusing to talk to him because of what he did won’t make any difference!

 

Anyway……..  back to Alexander! We talk about everything while he escorts me around the Palace (I’m still not allowed anywhere on my own) and he’s just so lovely! It’s nice to be able to talk to him now, as I obviously couldn’t when I was gagged. I tripped the other day on the steps to Loki’s suite (Odin’s suite to everyone else, of course) and he grabbed me to stop me falling. And it made me tingle! And when I managed to straighten back up, he held on to me a bit longer than he needed to and I liked it and we looked at each other and he looked all shy and oh, it was nice!! It made me go red and him, too! I do quite like him, though – he looks so handsome in his uniform.

 

Then I had to go into the suite and wake **_him_** up. After he had sat there eating his breakfast, watching me tidy and clean (I wish he wouldn’t – it’s so off-putting) he asked me why I was so cheerful – as if it was a crime! I just said no particular reason. If he really wanted to know, he’d only have to look in my head anyway; although I don’t think he’s done that since that horrible day in the bath. He also told me to stop humming – I was ‘annoying him’. I hadn’t realised I was humming. He’s so grumpy!

 

And what can I say about him lately? He continues to be bad tempered, he’s constantly tired because of the hours he keeps and he’s increasingly withdrawing from the social side of the Palace. He rarely attends the Great Hall evening meals and social gatherings and I haven’t found a companion in his bed for a week. I think he’s miserable! I try to be pleasant towards him generally, but it’s really difficult to keep it up.

 

Anyway, an exciting bit now – yay!

 

Alexander has asked me to accompany him to a gathering at his aunt’s house. She is a musician and she opens her house once a month for people to come along to sing and dance! I can’t wait.

 

**_I have simply to ask Loki for the night off …………….._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to MagicMasque on DeviantART for the suggestion that Erika loves music and would probably hum whilst carrying out her duties.


	8. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 8: Don't Argue Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story
> 
> Erika's youth is not on her side. She is going to have to grow up quickly if she is to avoid incurring Loki's wrath because of her inability to rein in her emotions.

I hate him!

 

I really,  _really_ hate him with every fibre of my being. He’s an absolute tyrant. He cares not about anyone – he does not even care about himself, so how can he care about anyone else?

 

I’m going to expose him. I don’t care what will happen if I do. He is horrible. I’m sure he is getting some kind of kick out of it.

 

I’ve had enough of this – I’m telling him so, as well. He’s refused me the evening off to go to see Alexander’s’ aunt and her friends. Well, he’s getting an earful from me – the guard is here to take me to the Palace and I’m doing it when I’ve got that nasty “King” out of bed.

 

 

 

 

Oh, Gods! That did not go well at all. I really need to think before I go storming in to see Loki when I think he has been unfair. He was not happy with me when I confronted him yesterday after I wrote that bit about having had enough. I went to the Palace with the intention of telling him how unfair he was being. I waited until he bathed, dressed and was eating breakfast. Here’s a quick run down of how it went:

 

Me: Loki, may I ask your permission for something?

Him: What is it Erika? And must I always have to remind you of my title?

Me: I am sorry, my King. Three days hence, there is a gathering at a friend’s house. May I ask leave to finish early so I may attend? Please, your Majesty. I have already asked you, I know, but please – I would really like to go.

Him: No.

Me: Why?

(I know, I know! But I could not help myself!)

Me: Please, Loki! I work so hard for you and I would really appreciate the chance to see my friends and have some fun.

Him: No. I may need you here. Do not question my decisions again. Do you continue to address me informally to cause me displeasure?

 

So I suppose I should have accepted what he said, but dammit, it was so unfair! So I did not. Here is more of our exchange:

Me: No, your Majesty. I apologise for being too forward with you. But just because you have no friends and mope around in your room does not mean I should have to as well! I have a life outside of this Palace and you seem to think you can just decide when you want to help yourself to some of it!

Him: And just what is that supposed to mean?

 

That is where the conversation turned nasty and I started to shout things at him in a fit of temper. I’m now sporting a brand new swollen lip with a fantastic split down the middle of it where he back handed me for my “impudence”. How I managed to sneak in past my mother when I got home I will never know.

 

Alexander is fuming at how ‘Odin’ is treating me. I long to tell him it’s Loki, but again I’m terrified of letting it slip to anyone. He would not believe me anyway. He went on and on about how Odin should not physically abuse his servants when he was escorting me today. Obviously I had to turn down his invitation, even though I really wanted to go.

 

When I served Loki his evening meal yesterday, I twice caught him looking at my mouth where my injury was. He showed absolutely no emotion about it what-so-ever. He did not even offer to heal it, even though I know he can. He must know how much I hate him for what he continues to do to make my life unhappy. Even if he refrains from nosing around in my head, I’m sure my body language and my facial expressions must give it away. But it can’t be very pleasant to have the person who is around you during most of your private time being unfriendly, if polite, towards you.

 

Well, I am just waiting for Alexander to come and collect me on one of the Palace horses. Court is actually closed today, so I wonder what delightful errands Loki will have in store for me today. I cannot wait to find out – that was a lie.

 

**_I just hope he is in a good mood………………_ **


	9. Diaries Of Lokis Chambermaid 9: Trick The Trickster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story
> 
> Oh, Erika! Off out having fun while a man who is clearly lonely and depressed is going to drink himself into oblivion on his own because you tempted him into it?

I have a plan to get to the music night!

 

Remember when I very first found him? He had been drinking Dwarven liquor and was passed out and stinking horribly? Well, it’s very potent and it can give you hallucinations, make you very brave or very silly, or very tired! Especially if you mix it with other drinks.

 

That part bottle is still in Loki’s room. I’m not sure he knows, because I make sure it is always right at the back of the small cabinet he has in his room in which to keep a few ‘refreshments’. I tucked it behind the ice bucket after I found him asleep in his chair at the table one morning with the wine spilled down his front and his head in the crook of his arm on his dinner plate from the night before.

 

So – I’m going to ‘accidentally’ leave it showing tomorrow night when I am serving him his evening meal. With any luck, he’ll spot it and dismiss me so he can drink it. I know it’s encouraging him and probably fuelling his addiction, but I  _really_  want to go to the music night. I’ll make sure I increase my efforts to try to get him to cut back after this.

 

I will write and let you know how it went. Oh – the guard is here for me. I had better go.

 

 

 

 

 

Quick note: It worked! I’m home from the Palace and getting changed to go to the music night. I’ll write tomorrow!

 

Dear diary. I’m so excited I can hardly write! I have just returned from the music night and it was such good fun. Loki drank quite a lot of wine with his dinner and was really quiet as usual. When I took a second bottle of wine from the cabinet for him, it revealed the side of the bottle of blue Dwarven liquor and I think it only took about ten minutes for him to dismiss me. I could only just stop myself grinning and running. I asked him if there was anything else I could do for him a couple of times, but he just shook his head. I don’t think he remembered it was the night I had asked him if I could go early on.

 

Nina, Alexander’s aunt is so nice; she made me feel really welcome. There were about thirty people there and it was so nice to be in the company of musicians, poets and comedians. We all ended up dancing and singing and laughing – I had a wonderful time! Alexander walked me home – he looked so different in normal clothes. I’ve only ever seen him in his uniform up to now.

 

He kissed me on the steps of my house.

 

Yes, my dear paper confidante, I have now experienced my first real kiss and it was really nice. I could taste the mead he had been drinking on his lips. We had our arms around each other and everything – it was  _really_  nice!  Then he kissed my hand and bade me goodnight. I think I stood on the front step staring up at the stars with a big grin on my face for a good ten minutes! And he was so gentle as well – he was concerned about my split lip and he was just so, oh – I can’t explain.

 

I want to kiss him again.

 

I really enjoyed how it made me feel. Down there, I mean. I am not sure I should be writing things like that down hahah! But it was so much nicer than I can make myself feel, that’s for sure. Oh, he’s so nice and handsome and sweet. I think I love him.

 

Anyway, I had better retire to my bed now. It is way past my bed time and I dare not be late to the Palace tomorrow.

 

**_I have a Kings’ hangover to deal with……………_ **


	10. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 10: Backfire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story
> 
> Just what has Erika's naive and selfish action led to and how can she possibly put this right?

 

Dear Diary – I don’t know what to do! Something dreadful has happened. I’m holed up in Odin’s suite with the door locked and I’ve had to lie to my family and tell them I’ve got to go away on Palace business. I’ve had to tell Alexander to not reveal I am in the suite. I’ve had to lie to so many people and I’m really scared. I had such a nice time at the music evening, but that was three days ago……

 

Alexander picked me up to escort me to the Palace the morning after. I made sure no one was looking (not difficult at that antisocial time of day) and I kissed him! It was just a quick peck on the lips, but then he pulled me closer and he kissed me back. It was so nice and so exciting – my heart was racing! I think we had silly grins on our faces all the way to the Palace.

 

When I had picked up everything I needed from the cleaning store and the kitchens, he escorted me to Odin’s suite and, as he left me to go in, he kissed my hand. Oh, it makes me feel so special and so happy. I felt like I could face anything, but I wasn’t prepared for what I found when I went in.

 

The room was spotless! The remnants of the evening meal had gone, there were no clothes strewn about and the room almost (but not quite) looked like I had already been in to clean up. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I looked around, then over to the bed – where the drapes were pulled shut for the first time in a while. So I assumed he’d finally got the urge to bring a courtesan to his bed. I had a quick peek, but he was fast asleep, alone and looked quite peaceful – he was in Odin’s guise already, which was a bit strange, but I didn’t question it.

 

I made his tea and went to wake him up. It was a bit unusual having Odin wake up, but then he smiled at me and said “Good morning, Erika”, which made me speechless – I do not think I even replied. I just went to run his bath and then I put the breakfast things on the table and started to get his clothes out. When he came back out of the bathroom, he thanked me and it really made me wonder what was going on. I got him dressed (which I have to say I am getting to be an expert at) and made sure he looked spotless and regal enough. Then he sat to take his breakfast.

 

I went to tidy up after him – things like making the bed, cleaning the bathroom, but he told me to sit at the table with him. It was strange being around Odin instead of Loki, but I thought he was just getting into character for the day.

 

And now I don’t know how to write what happened. It was completely unexpected. It was unreal. It confused me and I don’t know what to do about it because I can’t risk giving away Loki’s secret.

 

It set off with him putting a few bits on a plate, and then giving it to me with a cup of tea. That was unsettling enough. Then he chatted to me about the day ahead and what we would be doing as regarded court and appointments. It’s not as if he was just giving out cold instruction; he wasn’t – he was conversing with me in an amiable fashion. When it was time to go to court, I asked if I could join him a little later so that I could change his bed linen and remove the breakfast tray. He said yes, but to not take too long. Then he said goodbye and left.

 

So, I stripped the bed. I changed the towels. Then I thought I’d beat the rug to freshen it up, so I opened the balcony doors to take it out.

 

And that is where I found him. Unconscious, with a pool of blood around his head and a smashed bottle with blue droplets decorating the glass.

 

_**Loki was on the balcony…………  
** _


	11. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 11: Coma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story
> 
> It seems the Dwarven Liquor has lived up to its reputation and led Loki to do something that has led to his current state.
> 
> Oh, Erika, what are you going to do now?

Sorry I stopped. I was so exhausted I fell asleep writing. I have had hardly a wink of sleep the last few days.

 

As I was saying, I found Loki on the balcony. There was smashed glass everywhere from the bottle that had held the blue liquor and a large shard of it was embedded just above his right eye. Thankfully, that seemed to be where all the blood had come from. Because it was wedged into his skin, it was stopping him from healing – as was his condition in general. But at least, from what I could find by searching through his hair and feeling his scalp, it was the only injury responsible for all the gore decorating the balcony.

 

I patted his cheeks and called his name lots of times, but he was out cold. I went to get a damp washcloth and I pulled the glass slowly from his face. His blood immediately welled up in the cut in his skin and started to pour down his face, but it eventually slowed and after about two or three minutes I could see the edges knitting themselves together. It was such a relief. I lifted his head off the floor to put a cushion underneath and that’s when I found the lump just behind his ear. It was really big and quite hard, too. I started to feel panic set in then, plus the blood and the realisation of his condition hit me. I only just made it to the bathroom before I threw up. I was shaking like a leaf. I didn’t know what to do! I’m no healer. I certainly could not move him – he is huge compared to me and difficult to help move around when drunk, never mind when unconscious.

 

I managed to calm down and I drank some water and had a wash, then I went back out to him. I needed help, but no one knows about him. I cleaned up all the glass and washed away the blood, then I put a pillow under his head and a blanket over him.

 

Then it occurred to me that this could all be a trick! Loki had got up and gone to court disguised as Odin this morning – this could be someone else I was tending with a spell on them to make them look like Loki. I decided I needed to get ‘Odin’ back to the chambers so I could find out what was going on. I asked one of the guards to take a note to Odin for me – I wrote in it that I needed him urgently. It took him an hour to arrive, during which time I sat cradling Loki’s head in my lap, hoping for a sign he was coming round, but his neck was floppy and I got no reaction when I stroked his face.

 

Odin arrived in the suite and he must have seen that the balcony windows were open, because he came straight out. As he looked over at us, his smiled was wiped from his face. It was a scary moment, because I didn’t know if both men with me were real or not, or who was who! My question as to the verisimilitude of the Odin in front of me was answered as a green glow passed over him and Loki appeared! But he looked different somehow – as if he was someone’s  _idea_  of Loki, rather than the man himself. After I got over it, I told him I knew of Loki’s existence and asked just what was going on.

 

It turns out that the polite, chatty Odin/Loki is a clone.

 

He had been conjured the night before during a drinking binge Loki had embarked upon. He’d instructed the clone to take on the guise of Odin and replace him because he knew he would be in no fit state to attend court. Loki had transferred memories and instructions over to the clone, then told him to go to bed for me to find in the morning. Which is what happened. The clone did not know how Loki had ended up lying there on the balcony, but I had a good idea – the Dwarven liquor mixed with all the wine he had drunk.

 

Between us, we managed to get Loki onto his bed and undressed him to check for any more injuries. Aside from a couple of ugly, fading bruises on his shoulder and that ugly lump on his head, he seemed fine, apart from being unconscious.

 

And then I had to instruct the clone on several things, like carrying on in the guise of Odin. Like not revealing what had happened to anyone. Contacting my family about the bogus trip away on business. Arranging a lock-down on the suite. Arranging for things to be delivered from the kitchens and healers without them coming in or being told what they were for. I was exhausted by the end of the day. But I was so scared for Loki – it was the length of time he had been in this coma-like state. He was breathing, his wounds had eventually healed (except his head), but he was lying perfectly still; not moving at all.

 

And now, two days later I am at my wits’ end. He is still lying on the bed where we put him. I have attended to his every need as best as I can, keeping him clean, moistening his lips with water, making sure he isn’t too hot or cold. I talk to him. The clone returns at night and has been sleeping on the chaise langue, as I have been sleeping (or trying to) next to Loki, afraid he won’t last the night. I don’t know what to do.

 

**_Do I reveal his presence to save him…………?_ **


	12. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 12: Lullaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story
> 
> Come on Erika, you can surely figure out how to get Loki back from the brink before it's too late?  
> To bring in the authorities can only mean one fate for Loki - and for you!

I’ve decided to give it a couple more days. It’s to make sure that if I do reveal Loki to the healers, I can at least defend myself to him by saying I left it as long as I could. I don’t know what would happen to him if I did let people know he is alive, though!

 

The clone seems to be managing to be convincing with his programming and appearance and, although we get questioning looks from the guards outside, they don’t ask and we don’t tell. The only person I’ve had real contact with is Alexander. The clone sat in with Loki for an hour while I went to the kitchen and laundry to sort a few things out properly and Alexander had to accompany me as my escort, of course. He was full of questions, but I managed to avoid most of them. I think he is worried that Odin and I have formed some kind of relationship, but I have reassured him lots of times that it is not the case. We actually spent about ten minutes in the flour store cuddling and kissing each other, which was nice and thrilling and a welcome distraction from the current predicament – I loved it. I asked him to trust me and he said he would, so he then helped me to take everything back to the suite. I didn’t let him in, though.

 

Earlier this afternoon, I washed Loki as he lay there. How different to the first time I had to do that. This time, I ended up humming a lullaby my mother used to sing to me while she washed and dressed my hair when I was a little girl. It was only a simple repeating tune, but it cheered me up a little bit and made my task a little easier. I combed out his hair and felt behind his ear. The swelling has gone down quite a bit. The day was chilly, but I’d opened the windows to stop staleness setting in. I decided to borrow something out of the closet to stop me getting cold. All of Frigga’s clothing is beautiful and the scent of sweet lilac still lingers all these months after her passing. So, I ended up huddled on the bed in one of her pashminas, running a toothed shell through Loki’s hair and singing my mother’s tune. Who’d have thought it?!

 

I woke up when Odin returned from court. I had been so tired; I think I had sung myself to sleep! His footsteps coming over to find me woke me up just to see him looking down at me in puzzlement. I could feel why – Loki was turned towards me and had his arm draped over me. He’d moved!

 

So, of course, I sat up and the clone came round to the side to see better what was happening.

 

I think we both expected some kind of miracle. But when I brushed Loki’s hair from his face and said his name, there was no response. We both spoke to him, hoping our voices would rouse him, but nothing happened. I began to shake him in frustration but the clone dragged me away; Loki’s limp body showed no resistance to my efforts.

 

I can’t describe the despair I felt, especially because he’d moved while I was asleep and I hadn’t felt it. I’m ashamed to say I started to cry and I ended up in the clones arms with him hugging me and reassuring me it would be alright. But what does he know?! The only reason he’s around is because he hasn’t been dismissed by Loki. He will continue to follow his instructions, using up Loki’s magic force, until Loki either wakes up or dies. And it looks likely. I don’t know what it is about him, but the weight is dropping off him faster than I would have expected. His cheeks are drawn and he is dehydrated, even though I keep trying to get water into his mouth.

 

But he moved!

 

I’ve moved him back onto his back, I’m going to lie down next to him and put the pashmina over both of us. I intend to sleep there right next to him tonight so as to not miss anything else.

 

 

 

**_One more day, then I bring the healers…………._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to magicmasque.deviantart.… for suggesting Erika enjoys humming melodies while at work. The first hint of this was in chapter 7, but I wanted to use it more here :)


	13. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 13: Loki Wakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diary entries of Erika, Loki's maid, following the "Am I Truly A Monster?" story
> 
> Potential feels alert!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading. This is a true cliffhanger, as Erika cannot write in her diary while Loki is about. Watch this space for her next update once she manages to sneak it away from his rooms long enough to let us know what happened after this

Oh, Diary, I am exhausted. This is just a quick update on where things are, then I really need some sleep.

 

Loki woke up. I cannot tell you the relief that brought when it happened. I was asleep, but it had been one of those fitful sleeps, where the smallest thing disturbs me. So, a couple of times sounds from the open window woke me up, then I had one of those “falling” dreams and shocked myself awake! I must have eventually got to sleep, because it took me a while to realise the arm that was wrapped around me must be Loki’s.

 It was still dark when I did recognise what it was and woke up properly. I went to turn over, but a croaky, panicked noise came from him and he grasped me tighter to him. I thought I heard him whisper “No!” and then he seemed to relax a bit. I was just so relieved to hear and feel him that I let him hold me and I eventually fell asleep again.

 

I think it was the door closing that woke me up later on; the clone had left to carry on his portrayal of Odin for the morning it seemed. The first thing I noticed was that I felt cold. The pashmina was no longer over me and the room was not warm at all. I turned over and found Loki curled up on his side – the pashmina was kind of over him, but the end of it was bunched up in his hands next to his face. He was perfectly still like before, but he’d obviously moved again to get into that position and I was really sure I had heard him speak in the night.

 

I moved the blue cloth of the Pashmina to cover him – well, it was cold! He moved again and I nearly jumped. He nestled his face into the soft cloth and let out a sigh. Gods, I felt so happy in that moment! Ha! Happy? Happy that my tormentor and would-be jailer might be recovering? But you have to understand that watching over someone who may be dying and you can do nothing to help them without incurring their wrath is a horrible experience.

 

Anyway, once again I didn’t know what to do! Should I leave him, or try to wake him?

 

I left him. I felt I could relax a bit now he had shown some sign of life. So I went to the bathroom and attended to myself properly for the first time in a few days. Then I had a bit of breakfast. Then I felt guilty because it was about the fifth day that Loki had not had anything to eat or drink. But then I thought about when he had left my muzzle on all day, not bothering about me.

I suppose I just care too much, because I poured a glass of water and climbed up on the bed beside him. Then I tried to wake him – I patted his shoulder, spoke his name, but got no response. I dampened my fingers with the water and brushed it onto his lips. Nothing. I shouted his name in exasperation. Nothing!

 

I felt like I had gone back round to the start, as if I had imagined his voice and his touch.

 

After a few minutes, I decided I needed to stay near him, but also to be occupied. So I cleaned and tidied the room. I hummed one of the tunes I had danced to with Alexander at his aunt’s house as I did so; it cheered me up thinking about how he held me close while we whirled round the dance floor. I skipped across the room a couple of times to the rhythm of it. There wasn’t much to do and I got it all done fairly quickly.

I prepared a light lunch from the hamper of food that was there for when the clone would come back for lunch.

 

Then I was bored!

I wandered over to Loki’s desk and looked through his books. I found a worn poetry book – it was really tatty! Inside there was a lot of handwriting in the margins where notes about each piece had been made. Some of it I recognised as Loki’s, but some of it was much more elegant. I looked on the flyleaf and discovered it was Frigga’s writing. She had gifted the book to Loki on one of his birthdays.

I went back over to the bed and sat beside Loki. I propped myself up on some pillows and put my arm around his head.

And I read the poetry to him.

 

 

> “He is  
>  that part you cherish yet  
>    
>  you know will one day depart  
>  for pastures new.  
>     
>  Deep in  
>  your heart your wishes are  
>    
>  pure for him yet a dart lod-  
>  -ges inside you  
>     
>  Watching  
>  him start his future is  
>    
>  the sweetest hurt a mother  
>  knows is so true…………”  
>     
>               

I admit I was stroking his hair absent-mindedly, like a mother would to her child, as I read “My Son Has Grown” and I was just thinking how sad it was when a cracked and broken voice said from beside me:

   


**_“Móðir_ _…..……..?_ _”_ **


	14. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 14: Go Back To Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a few weeks later and Erika finally manages to make a diary entry to bring us back up to date.
> 
> She's cared for him. She's worried over him. She doesn't really want to go to the healers. So when Loki woke up, everything was better, right?

Diary. I am so sorry it has been this long. I have not been able to write – I nearly lost you as it is because I’d been writing at the Palace. How you weren’t discovered is beyond me. Maybe it’s because I was hiding you in plain sight – you were in Loki’s desk!

 

It means, of course, I have lots to tell. It’s a few weeks since Loki woke up, and today is the first day he actually left the room long enough for me to gather all my belongings and bring them home – including you so I can write. I have got this afternoon free, but he wants me back tonight. He wants me there every night……..

 

You know that day he woke and actually spoke to me? Well, the weight of Asgard’s mountain fell off my shoulders. When he opened his eyes, he had trouble focussing and his mouth was almost glued together because it was so dry. I stopped reading of course and I nearly cried his name because I was so desperate that he did not lose consciousness again. I pulled his face towards me – Gods, it was so thin – and just said his name over and over, begging him to stay with me. I know it sounds silly now, but you have to understand how scared I was at that point. It took a bit of time, but he opened his eyes properly and managed to look at me.

 

But they were yellow! That beautiful, deep, rich emerald green he was so famed for had faded so badly that it had left a sickly straw colour behind. He looked absolutely terrible! I dipped my fingers in the glass of water and wet his lips – they were cracked and sore. It seemed to bring him round further and I think he finally recognised me, because a puzzled look came over his face. But then he closed his eyes again and rasped “No…..no…..”!

 

I was worried that he’d gone again, so I stroked his forehead and said his name again, hoping that he would hear me – well, would you not have done the same?

 

Then that – I don’t know what to call him. That  _hateful_  man hurt me. He  _hurt_  me! Even though he was so ill and so weak, in that moment he was powerful against me. He grabbed my hand and crushed it, dragging it from his face. And I do not know how he managed, but he turned over and towards me, pushed me right down and leaned on me with his face right above mine. I was taken back to that day when I had disturbed his nightmare and he had kissed me on his bed. I tell you, I was really worried he was going to do something similar.

He was so scary – his face was ugly, his breath stank awfully and his eyes were just so evil. He rambled on at me in his dry, cracked voice, but I couldn’t understand him. It sounded like questions and when I didn’t answer – because I did not understand him, of course – he managed to start shouting, squeezing my hand so tight it burned. He was working himself up so badly and I started to shout back at him, telling him how I had looked after him. I was crying, I was shaking. I tell you, it was horrible! Then his eyes rolled up in his head and he passed out. I have never moved so fast in my life. I got out of the room and I ran non-stop to the throne room, with one of the guards chasing me.

 

Of course, the clone did the benevolent “What is it my child?” caring act and excused himself from court. He thanked and dismissed the panting guard who had followed me and we went back to “his” suite, where behind closed doors, I explained what had happened. He told me to go to the healers for my hand, which was swollen and throbbing with pain, so I spent the whole afternoon there, having it attended to.

 

When I got back, the clone was holding Loki’s head up, helping him to take sips of water from the glass I had filled earlier.

 

So, I said “Loki?” Yes? Would you not have done the same? He actually grimaced at me over the rim of the glass. I could not believe his reaction! I had tended him non-stop for an entire week. I had slept next to him, lied to my family for him, watched over him and even suffered him to embrace me for comfort. I actually felt the tears prickling my eyes! It was so unfair. I ran into the bathroom. I did not want him to see me crying over him.

 

The clone eventually followed me in. I ended up shouting at him, the poor thing, begging him to tell Loki what I had done for him and how scared I had been. I hated it, but my voice broke and tears were streaming down my face at this point. I just told him to go away and I sat on the floor. You know what? I actually wished Loki unconscious again.

 

I sat there a while, but I knew I had to go back out. Thank the Gods; he was asleep when I did.

I so wanted to go home, but the clone said it would not be a good idea.

 

And later that night? I ended up next to him again. Loki’s nightmares started up just as the clone and I were thinking of turning in and he suggested my presence had a calming effect on him. I suspected it was the lingering scent of Frigga’s clothing that did the trick, but I was very tired and fed up and I could not be bothered arguing back. So I took a woollen tunic out of her wardrobe and put it on, then I got in bed with Loki and managed to embrace him in between fitful moments. He calmed down almost immediately and I fell asleep against his back with my face buried in his hair.

 

**_I got the best night’s sleep I’d had in days…………………_ **


	15. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 15: Up and About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki becomes more mobile and gains night-time comfort.

Just what am I doing wrong? Somebody take me back a couple of months and make me skip work that day Helena did. I’ve still got a lot to catch up on and you will see what I mean. But right now –  ** _today_** – I am packing up my belongings and moving out of my home. And I have no choice in the matter. I’ll tell you all about it, but first I need to carry on relating what happened after Loki woke up……

 

After he had hurt my hand, he was very quiet, silent really, for a few days. However, he made it very clear he did not want to be left alone at any time. I did try to talk to him I really did, but he was so weak and tired. When I first went to wash him from a bowl of warm perfumed water, he shied away, looking so miserable, as if he had woken from a dream into a nightmare. It was awful. I just wanted to throw it in his face, actually, and tell him to pull himself together. Well – I was still smarting over his ungratefulness! I’d been his nurse for a whole week, thinking he was dying and I got absolutely no recognition for it. How would _you_  feel?!

 

Instead, I just told him I had seen it all before and that someone had to care about him, even if he did not. Ha – he looked at me with those sick yellow eyes for a few moments – a bit like a stand-off, but then he closed them again and nodded. So he got a wash! I’m quite proud of what I did that day, in the end, especially given his attitude. The clone helped him to the bathroom – well I was not doing  _that_ – and then I changed his clothes for fresh.

 

Oh, yes – the sleeping arrangements. I’m sure you are dying to know? Of course, the story of my having gone away on Palace business was  _still_  what my family believed to be true and somehow no-one had told them otherwise – not even Alexander. So I was in Odin’s suite most of the time, just disguising myself with one of Frigga’s head shawls if I went about the Palace for anything. The first few nights after he regained consciousness, I had slept on a day bed, but each night I had woken to Loki’s terrified moans or his thrashing about and ended up climbing in beside him to calm him down. I always got up before he awoke, so I don’t know if he knew I’d been there, but at least he quietened down. Do you know what, though? I got fed up of being woken up all the time – it was making me tired, especially with the long hours spent caring for him. So, one night I just got ready for bed and then climbed in next to him. He had been dozing, but his eyes cracked open and glared at me as I did so, which was a bit scary, but I just told him how it was. I said to him: “Just who do you think holds you safe in the night?” turned my back on him and pulled the covers up.

 

It’s a lot more comfortable in that bed than the thing I had been perched on and I must have fallen asleep more or less straight away, because the next thing I knew, it was dawn and I woke up in Loki’s arms! We were actually turned towards each other and I, being the smaller, was curled up against his chest in his embrace!

 

Oh Gods! I wanted to get out so badly, but I was scared of disturbing him. But the longer I lay there, the worse I felt – a bit claustrophobic and uncomfortable at having someone like him holding me – so eventually I just lifted his arm and slipped out. I didn’t look back, so I have no idea if I woke him. I went straight to the bathroom and got dressed. After that night, I automatically slept in Loki’s bed and the nightmares became less frequent.

 

Between us, the clone and I managed to get Loki to sit at the table that day for a very small breakfast of bread and Midgardian tea. Afterwards, he went to get up and really struggled, so I went to help him and he actually accepted! He turned towards the balcony, so I took him out there and we ended up sitting, watching the world go by for about an hour. I’d taken some embroidery out to do and after a while I looked up to see he had dozed off in the sunshine. But the bright day only made him look worse – it showed up his bad complexion and his greasy hair. I decided a bath was in order! I know, I know!! Not one of my better decisions in the past!

 

Of course I remembered the last time I had told him that! I thought I had better be a bit more tactful this time hahah! I did myself proud and Loki did indeed end up “as fresh as the morning dew” – to quote his words from that horrible day. But don’t get the wrong idea – at no point did I bathe with him this time. I only washed his hair. From the side. Since he still had not uttered a single word I did not expect any thanks, but when I asked him if he felt better now he was clean, he smiled and nodded before looking away. Small miracle if you ask me!

 

I decided to change the bed linen as well, so getting into bed that night was almost a pleasure.

 

**_But Loki is not the man I wish to sleep beside……………_ **


	16. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid. 16: Regicide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reason for Loki's near-death is revealed.
> 
> Loki's slightly less distant behaviour has been influenced by some great feedback I received from theimpossiblewriter.dev…

Just so you know – I now live at the Palace. My entry yesterday was written as I was packing up to leave. I’m worried that this diary will be found now, so I’m going to have to find somewhere good to hide it. I have to wait until Loki has gone to do Odin’s duties before I can write, but I will try to keep you going. Anyway, here is a bit more of what went on during his recovery:

 

About a week after he came round and a few days after I had started to sleep with him to calm his night terrors (and I mean _sleep_ , mind you – nothing else!), Loki spoke properly and in our own language for the first time.

 

He’d been managing to eat and keep down small portions of food for a couple of days and his complexion had improved. He was also a lot more mobile, even though he was still fairly poorly. He was out on the balcony reading, his eyes still that yellowish colour, and I took him out a cup of his favourite Midgardian tea, intending to sit out with him and do some more embroidery. I got this:

 

“Thank you….. Erika.” and he briefly touched my hand.

 

By the Gods! I swear I was as surprised as you probably are. I didn’t react for a second, I was so shocked. I managed to say “You’re welcome.” Then I panicked at my informality and blurted out “My King” and went over to my chair to carry on sewing. To be really honest with you, I did a little skip mentally! He’d thanked me for the tea, but something about the tone of his voice and the touch of his hand on mine made me think he was thanking me for much more than just that.

 

That day, the surprises kept coming. He asked me if he could see what I was embroidering and he complimented me on it. It’s actually the view from his balcony! Not very detailed and I am only just learning, but it’s not bad. Later on, I cut myself while preparing our lunch and he took my hand and healed it, even though I could tell he struggled and it made him tired to do so. I think he was testing himself.

 

But the next surprise was not good at all. As usual, it came from something I said. The day had passed in a lot more pleasant a fashion than the previous weeks and I naturally started to feel happier, more relaxed and relieved that there would be an end to his convalescence soon, so I asked him why his eyes were yellow.

 

 

He let go of my hand and sat back in the seat beside me. His whole demeanour changed. He’d been so relaxed all day. Not in the best of health, granted, but not moody or horrible, like before his accident. Well, when I asked him about his eye colour, it was as if I had flipped a lever. His face fell, he frowned and he stared angrily at the floor for quite a few minutes, obviously seething inside, but also looking like he was trying to hold his temper. My belly dropped, I can tell you! I apologised, but he held up a hand to make me be quiet.

 

There are apparently a few reasons why their eyes can turn yellow – a commonly known one is starvation, but he said no-one probably knew the real reason why his Jotúun eyes were yellow, apart from himself, a few knowledgeable healers and the Jotúun race themselves. Holding up a glass with a ring of dried blue liquor in the bottom of it, he sniffed at it and held it out to me.

 

**_His eyes had lost their pigmentation because he had been poisoned………_ **


	17. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid. 17: Loki Speaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are thanks, there are explanations and there are awkward moments........
> 
> Still being influenced by ideas already credited. However, in the words of our most gloriously burdened God, when it comes to ideas and feedback, "I'm listening!" :D

It is truly a wonder that I am able to write today, but here I am. Loki is at a late council and he does not require me to attend him there as there could be a serious outcome from the meeting they are having. It is something to do with an uprising – oh, I am not sure. Politics is not my area of expertise, of course.

 

 

So Loki told me that he had been poisoned. I was horrified at his revelation, then I realised that he probably suspected me and I started to get scared and I was going to tell him that I was not to blame, but before I could even open my mouth he told me he knew it was not me. I was confused as to how he could be so sure and I nearly asked him this, but I tell you, he was looking at me really strangely. He had turned in the seat next to me and was obviously trying to catch my eye, but he is not someone you can just look at! He is intimidating just by his very presence and it is scary making eye contact with him. But he reached over and took my hand, which made my insides knot up and I automatically looked up at him then.

 

Then he told me that he  _knew_  everything I had been doing for him. And how? Because he can see and feel everything the clone does. He also has access to every single memory the clone has built up since he was conjured. He says that I would not have acted the way I did if I wanted him dead.

 

Do you  _know_  what it is like to be told by someone who you thought had been dying and who you nearly tore your hair out with worry over that they actually know all the effort you made? All the fear, desperation and despair you felt? I admit I was worried in case I had done anything to displease him, but I quickly overruled myself because I knew what I had been through. I felt like shouting at him, then. I felt like asking him why he had been so damn ungrateful, so silent, so cold. But he gently squeezed my hand, looked right at me and just said “Thank you, Erika”, like he had earlier. I broke the contact then, because I got that hot/cold feeling and sharp prickles in my eyes – you know the one – when you’re about to burst into tears? I excused myself and went to the bathroom, where I just sat on the side of the bath and sobbed as quietly as I could.

 

After a while I felt better – I think it released a lot of tension, actually. So I had a wash and went out and poured myself a drink of juice. I noticed Loki was still out on the balcony, curled up on the sofa we had been sharing with his nose in a book. I decided to go out and join him again, as I wanted to know more. I went out and he moved over so I could sit down. Then I asked him what the poison was. He gave me the glass and told me to smell the residue, so I did. The Dwarven liquor has its own aroma of honey and spice, but this also had a floral bouquet about it. It was quite pleasant in fact, almost like Midgardian lavender, but not quite. He told me it was an extract that, had he been more in tune with his surroundings, he would have possibly recognised and would not have drunk the liquor. It comes from the Asgardian Greenbell; a small flower prevalent in the lowland woods at the foot of the Mountain of Asgard. Quite difficult to make, but not impossible. Unfortunately, the flavour is not incredibly potent and Loki had not noticed it. And it has a peculiar effect. On Asgardians, Elves, Humans and others; it has no effect. But on Jotúuns and those of mixed Jotúun descent, it is toxic. It denatures their colouring. Red eyes become yellow, blue skin becomes grey. The symptoms are very similar to malnutrition in Jotúuns, but inside, it starts to break down their muscle mass and eventually disrupts organ functions, leading to death. That is why he lost so much weight.

 

But my question is how did it get into Loki? He had drunk some of that bottle the day I’d found him, but he did not lose his eye colour and he did not nearly die. That means someone had to have come into the room and drugged the rest of the bottle. But then he had another surprise for me. That day, there had been snacks and drinks served in the council chambers because the meeting had dragged on. Afterwards, a few councillors had stayed behind with him and they had shared a drink or two before retiring for the evening. And Loki had had a glass of Dwarven liquor as his tipple, brought by the servant who waited on everyone in the room. When the others had left, Loki had picked up the glass and the bottle from the council chamber and brought them back to the room. He had secreted them in his desk when I wasn’t looking!

 

As you know, he had a fair bit of wine to drink that night, but I don’t think he had even seen the bottle I had left for him to discover because he said he had just gone straight for the one in his desk after I left. That means it must have been this bottle that had been poisoned, not the one in his room!

 

Fortunately, though, because he’d drunk all that wine with dinner, the liquor on top of it had made him throw up at least once that he could remember. It was probably that which saved him. If he’d kept it down he said he would have been dead.

 

I was really curious about his eyes because the green had been leached out of them, there were strange patterns in his irises. I only ended up staring at them fascinated, didn’t I? And I only realised I was because he stopped talking and turned them on me. There was – this is going to sound silly – there was  _something_  there. Something more than just looking at each other and I felt really strange from that brief contact; I felt something I’ve not felt before and I don’t know what it is. Oh Diary, I don’t know what to think. Anyway, I shook it off and looked away. Then I asked if his eyes would ever turn green again or red in his Jotúun form (which I have never seen, by the way) and he said they would in time. He said the depth and quality of his eye colour is related to his magic as well as his genetic inheritance. So he  _has_  to get better. Obviously, I am to never tell anyone of this.

 

 

**_My task is now clear.  I have to help him recover………….._ **


	18. Diaries Of Lokis Chambermaid 18 Keep Friends Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "After all I've done for you?"
> 
> Loki is not the only one who can ask this question of someone...............

I have been thinking. Again! I know – it is not always good for me. However, if someone wanted to poison Odin, they would be really disappointed, because “Odin” won’t have shown any effects. Did the would-be killer know that the poison was only meant for Jotúuns? Do they know that Odin is actually Loki in disguise? Was it all a really bad mistake? I’m going to bring it up with Loki later.

 

Well, I may as well bring you up to date now, or it will take me forever.

 

Loki started to recover really well that second week after he came round from his coma-like state. I had emptied all the alcohol from the drinks cabinet – and yes, the half bottle of Dwarven Liquor I had tidied away was still there. I poured everything away and disposed of the bottles. He had not had any strong drinks for weeks, so I saw no reason to tempt him back down that particular road. I have been making sure he has a decent amount of good, healthy food to eat, including Iduun’s Apples. I have also ensured he sits out in the fresh air as much as possible. I have cut his hair, which was getting straggly, I make restorative tisanes for him to drink, I make sure he gets early nights and I have resigned myself to the fact that I seem to be the living equivalent of his security blanket for the time being. Well, if it stops his nightmares, it is worth it.

 

However, it was a disappointing week, too. I thought his brush with death had changed Loki for the better but, as his health returned, he started to become quiet and withdrawn again. He was also getting haughty with me again, so I knew he must be feeling better.

 

Six days ago, I noticed green flecks starting to appear in his eyes, which was a relief!

 

Five days ago, he started to do some light physical training.

 

Four days ago, he announced he was going to start attending court in the morning session once he felt better.

And he did! The very next day, but he swapped with the clone in the afternoon so he could rest. I went home briefly that morning for the first time in ages and feigned my return from “Confidential Palace Business” to my family. When I went back in the afternoon, he bade me sit at the table with him for a cup of tea and he then told me I was to move in permanently. I could not believe it! I could not say anything. I had thought his recovery would mean I could return to going home at night, but he ordered the exact opposite.

 

I told him no.

 

I told him he could not take my life away from me. I am a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD MAID!! I am not some creature to be locked away at my master’s beck and call.

I got up from the table and hurled insults at him. I admit I had a temper tantrum, but would you not have done the same?

 

I told him everything that I have been building up inside over the last few weeks. I was banging my fists on the table. I was crying. I threw my cup at the wall and smashed it to smithereens. I was shouting to the point of screaming at him. I really, really let go. I started to shake because I was so angry – have you ever got to that point? Well I did. And there was snot and tears all down my chin and my hair fell in my face and got stuck and I know I went red with anger. I think it was leading to a hysterical fit, but he got up and took hold of me.

 

Of course, I struggled and lashed out, but he grappled with me and eventually he got his arms round mine and pressed me in to him. And I just cried. I cried hard into his chest. But I wanted to get away from him and I started to push away again after a minute or two. I went out onto the balcony and slammed the windows shut behind me. I could not understand why he was doing this to me. I sat out there for ages just staring at nothing, really. I heard the window behind me open once, but I yelled out “Go AWAY!” and it closed again after a few seconds.

 

I know it sounds like I just had a teenager sulk on, but can you understand why I had reacted this way? Anyway, I must have sat out there for a good hour, because the day started to get dark. And I had a good think. I realised I could not really say no. I mean, he is the King, whether I like it or not and I suppose I have to do as he says. But there was no reason why I could not talk with him and try to come to some arrangement for free time. After mulling it all over in my mind, I decided to go back in, so I did and I went to the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my hair.

 

Loki was curled up on the bed, reading yet another book, but I noticed he watched me over the top of it. I went over and I apologised for my outburst. I asked that I might be allowed to go home that night and that I would get my things together while I was there to allow my moving in to go smoothly. He looked shocked, but very quickly covered it up.

 

So, the following morning a cart turned up with Alexander as my escort. I have one of the antechambers as my new room in Odin's suite.

 

My parents are proud! They don’t understand at all. They see it as an amazing career opportunity; I just see it as imprisonment. Loki does not like me – he does not like anyone, actually. The brief spell of almost normal behaviour the day we spent on the balcony together might well have never happened. I simply do not know why he wants me around all the time. He is turning moody and introspective again, although he does seem to have remembered what manners are as he does say please, thank you etc.

 

Ha! Alexander is not happy in the slightest. He hated lying to my family about where I was. He hates that I am moving to the Palace. I think he is convinced Odin is taking advantage in more than one sense. How do I convince him it is not the case? I mean – I try to show him when we are alone together. We cuddle, we kiss. The kissing is so nice and is getting more and more exciting the more we do it. Alexander is the one I want to spend time with and I am going to do my best to make sure I do.

 

###  _Oh well, Loki is due back. I had better hide you………….._


	19. Diaries Of Lokis Chambermaid 19: Then there were 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Although Erika has accepted she has to obey Loki and move in, she is still stubborn enough to get herself a night out.  
> But what is this - she is talking about what her King's favourite things are?
> 
> Erika - what is going on?

I had only been living permanently at the Palace for two days when Loki dismissed the clone. It was yesterday evening and it was really sad. I cannot ever know if the clone knew that it was about to happen or even if he had any feelings about it and I find that really upsetting. I don’t think Loki knows, but I watched him do it from the door to my room. He stood facing the clone and placed his hands on its temples for a few minutes. Then, when he stepped back, I could see that the clones face was blank and staring into space, like he was empty of any feelings or awareness. Then Loki swept his arm and twisted his hand and the clone vanished in a green and golden glow.

 

 

As if he had never existed. It made me really upset and I went in my room and shut the door. I had got so used to his presence that I had almost forgotten he was not a real person. Loki’s magic is really strong and advanced to be able to do that.

So, it means I am on my own, does it not? At least the clone was another presence, another ‘person’ in a way. I have got to deal with Loki all by myself now and there is no one to turn to if things are not good. Well, I do have you, but you do not say much!

 

I suppose now he has no clone, he will have to do all the ‘Odin’ duty himself again. That means he will not have as much time free to relax like he has been doing. He is obviously better. He as much as said so yesterday when he got back from court.

 

On a brighter note; it is now two whole days since I slept in his bed! He has had no nightmares either, so hopefully I can just stay in my own room now, in my own bed on my own and get some decent sleep.

 

Oh yes, I asked him what he thought about the ‘Odin was not poisoned’ theory I had come up with.

He was really spiteful about it. Told me he would not last very long on the throne if things like that did not occur to him. It was a mean spirited thing to say to me and he knew it. I was only trying to help – more fool me! Anyway, he can keep his nasty thoughts to himself tonight, because I am going home to visit my family and then I am having supper at Alexander’s house. It is to celebrate his passing out parade and I did not ask permission this time!

 

This time, I told Loki I would be leaving a supper ready for him because I would not be back until late. I did it politely. I also did it as I was seeing him out of his suite, so he could not be nasty about it in front of the guards that are posted outside, could he?

 

I have to say, I can not wait. I have done all the chores required – and more besides. I have left a lovely supper for Loki, with a few of his favourite dishes.

 

He has never told me what his favourite foods are, but I am not blind and in the few weeks I have been working here, I have watched and I have learned a few things about my King that he probably does not know he has given away.

 

That is why his bed is always made up with three pillows, even though he has never told me that is how he prefers it; I just know he does. It is why his morning cup of Midgardian tea is always made up in his favourite cup and why I leave out a flannel bathrobe instead of a towel for him when he bathes. It is also why I automatically prepare his shaving paraphernalia every other day and set it at the side of the bath with a looking glass and it is why I have also taken to bringing bowls of sweet lilacs in to the room of a weekend to freshen the air. It's only little things.

 

So, I have changed out of my ever-present Maids’ uniform and I am actually wearing a pretty dress! I have been told to be fairly smart, as it is a semi-formal occasion. Quick run down of my outfit:

 

Dark blue floor length gown with sweetheart neckline and silver bead detail

Dark blue slip on shoes

Silver jewellery

 

I have also put my hair up and decorated it with silver and blue ribbons. I feel like a proper girl for once – nice and feminine for a change!

 

Well, I must be off. Alexander is knocking at the door to the suite. I arranged for him to pick me up well before Loki was due back from court. He is bang on time, so I must hide you. Rest assured, I will let you know all about it!

 

**_Look forward to my next journal entry……….._ **


	20. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid. Ch 20: The Lecture.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika enjoys her night and where it leads her and Alexander.  
> But Loki is not amused...........

Forgive me if my writing is not clear. It is dark and I dare not light a candle – it would let Loki know I am awake and he thinks I am asleep. I am writing near my window by the starlight and I can just about see to do it.

 

I had a  _wonderful_  time again tonight. It is the first time I have spent a whole evening with Alexander since the music night and I enjoyed every minute. I felt like a lady as he took my hand and led me to the carriage that had been arranged to take a few of us to the celebration. We were dropped off at my family’s home and our friends went on to Alexander’s house. I was finally able to introduce the man I am courting to my parents and my brother! I sat really quietly but I was excited to see if they would like each other.

 

I need not have worried. Everyone seemed to click and get along straight away! I was  _so_  happy, I can not tell you.

 

My mother told me I looked beautiful and fixed the ribbons in my hair more to her liking.

My brother asked which company Alexander is in and about the training regime.

My father told him to look after his princess (Princess? I am hardly princess material, am I? I cringed) and make sure I was safe.

 

Then we went to the celebration at Alexander’s house. I was introduced to his parents and his two sisters. One is older and one is younger – he is a middle child. The elder is a nurse with the armed corps and she travels with them, tending injuries in the field and giving health education. The younger is a musician like her aunt and she acts with a troupe in the entertainment quarter, too. They are both so friendly and they tease Alexander mercilessly, asking him how on Asgard he managed to land himself a ‘beautiful girl’, like me. It was embarrassing at first, but then I joined in! Everybody got a bit merry and we were dancing to very lively music. By the end of the evening, everyone was joining in and the whole room was full of people doing dances in well-choreographed groups! Well, not so well, actually after all the mead and wine! A few times, people tripped or staggered, but it added to the general fun!

 

Alexander took me up to see his room. It was a typical boys’ room; quite plain and very neat! There were old toys and figures of soldiers and horses – it was obvious he had always wanted to be a military man of some kind.

 

We got, well, very close while we were in there. I cannot explain the feelings I had, but they were a mixture of curiosity and nerves and a good measure of excitement. I let him do more than kiss me. I let him put his hand inside the neckline of my gown. We definitely both got very excited by that! I know the kissing was more intense. It was very difficult to stop, but it was Alexander who broke away first. He said he did not want to stop, but that what we were doing was really turning him on and he was getting uncomfortable with it. It was so sweet because, honestly? Diary I think if he had carried on, I can not say that I would have stopped him. He is so caring and gentle. I truly believe I am in love with him.

 

So we went back downstairs before we were missed and people started to leave soon after. When my escort arrived to bring me back to the Palace I was so disappointed the night was over. I asked him to wait for me while I said goodbye and then I dragged it out as long as I could! The poor man was really agitated by the time I came back out; he was muttering about ‘sticking to schedules’ and ‘displeasing the “higher-ups” ‘. It made me giggle, but I think that might have been to do with the mead!

 

Coming home to find Loki waiting up for me sobered me right up though.

 

He was sitting cross-legged in a large armchair, reading by candlelight as I sneaked in through the main door of the suite. He scared the living daylights out of me, I can tell you!

He got up and came over with the candlestick. He looked me up and down, demanded to know why I was late, where I had been and with whom! He pointed out that my hair was coming out of it's styling and asked why. As if it is any of  _his_  business!

 

I was just about to tell him it was none of his business when he lifted my chin up and brought the light to my neck.

 

I appear to have gained a love-bite. Or three.

 

So, I got a lecture.

 

From Loki, of all people! About how I ‘should not trust any man’. How ‘drink can cause one to do stupid things’. About how ‘a girls’ virginity is attractive to any man with blood in his veins’ ?! How a ‘beautiful sixteen year-old girl should not be alone at night with a man, especially dressed like that’!

 

I think his brain caught up with his mouth then, as he stopped telling me off and told me to go to bed, because he expected me to carry out my duties as usual tomorrow. What he said puzzled me – it was the kind of stuff an over protective friend would have said!

 

**_Could it be Loki actually cares about me………..?_ **


	21. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid. Ch21: The Courtesan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It appears there may be a conspiracy afoot..........

My dear diary – my haven of sanity! Or, maybe my depository of woe? Today has been a long day. I have come to the conclusion that I live with and work for the sulkiest man in Asgard.

 

I arose bright and early this morning, washed and dressed in my Kings maid uniform and went about my duties; I woke Loki up with his Midgardian tea (in his favourite cup), ran a bath with his favourite scent and his shaving equipment. I set out a lovely breakfast of fresh fruits and tangy Asgardian cheeses. I knew he had another important day in council, so I put out the royal dress that included the armour which signified his position as Warmaster General.

 

Anyone would have thought I had done naught to please him that morning, had they only paid attention to his demeanour. He barely acknowledged me when I woke him up and did not speak a word to me, even when I was dressing him. He simply looked at the top part of my uniform and fastened the top two buttons. He said “ _That_  is more fitting for the King’s maid”, then looked off into the distance as I continued to do up his buckles and laces on his armour.

 

I am sorry but I could not help myself and my mouth said the words in a hot retort before my brain could prevent it. I told him that he seemed to have had a change of opinion since the day I started in the role, when he had adjusted my uniform in the opposite way ([First Day](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2505317/chapters/5562722)). If looks could kill, I would have been dead on the spot, but I ignored him and ushered him over for his breakfast. I am going to  _have_  to learn to control my tongue. Or maybe not. Maybe he  _needs_  to hear the truth now and then.

 

So he went off to council and then to court and I did my regular duties around the suite. I was just about to take a short break on the balcony to read – Loki has given me permission to read his books. Well, some of them. Not any to do with magic. Yes, a short break on the balcony, but someone started to hammer on the door to the suite.

 

It was a guard. I’d been summoned to the prison quarter of the Palace. It was scary, I can tell you! We went there and I had to go to a section where there were rooms along a stone corridor. I was taken in one of them and told to go to stand behind a screen made of woven mesh. I could not see through it when I looked at it, but I could see through it from where I stood behind. The guard stood next to me and warned me to remain silent. I was really worried by this time.

 

Odin came in and sat on a chair in the corner of the room. He was followed by a hard-looking man in very ornate armour, who stood to attention next to him. Then they brought in the  _courtesan_. You remember the one that I found injured and scared? Who then went missing? She was shoved into a chair facing Odin and then the armoured man approached her. He started to question her, but when she began to shake her head and protest her innocence and ignorance of his accusations, he became angry and started to shout and to threaten her. It got to the point where she could no longer reply because she was a crying, shivering wreck. She is roughly my age and it was frightening to see just how horrible a uniformed man could be to a girl.

 

They took her away to Gods know where. Then it was my turn. I nearly had an accident in my sudden fear. But then I thought “I have to trust Loki”. I kept looking at him in his guise of Odin as I walked to the chair the courtesan had just been in, but he did not look at me. I got accused of helping out a criminal! I also got shouted at by the soldier; his fist was raised several times in a threatening manner and I was scared. But I blanked him out. I just stared over his shoulder at Loki, praying that he would not let this go too far. I said nothing. Oh, the tears were falling. I was flinching and cringing. But diary – I held my tongue. I just sent my silent questions to Loki, who called a halt to the ordeal after it became clear I was not going to talk.

 

I was sent back to the suite with an escort. I didn’t know what to do then, but since all my chores had been done and the early evening looked so nice, I decided to go for a walk in the gardens with my omnipresent escort. Who just happened to be Alexander today. We chose a secluded spot and sat on the grass against a large tree, watching the day fade. I just lay against his chest and he cuddled me. He knew I was upset, but I didn’t tell him why. We shared a few sweet kisses before I had to go back. I did not want Loki to discover I had been absent. More to the point, I did not want him to know who I had been with. I so want to spend more time with Alexander; I will have to sort out free time.

 

Loki came back relatively early; I had just arrived with the supper and I was sorting it out. But he came over to me and stopped me. He man-handled me! He pulled me over to the chaise langue and told me to sit, then he dragged over a chair, sat in it and told me we needed to talk.

 

It was all about the courtesan. I was to tell him everything I knew. I just told him to look in my head, but he said he would not do that. I tried to ask him questions back, but he would have none of it. When I had told him everything I could remember, I asked him why he had let me be questioned in the prison. He said I would not understand even if he told me and to just accept that it had been necessary. Then he told me something that made me feel quite worried. The courtesan had been found hiding with a known member of the Asgardian Culture Preservation Society. They are a small faction of people who are outspoken about keeping Asgard true to itself and are usually found demonstrating about excessive imports of what they see to be inferior products from other realms. They are quite harmless in the opinion of most Asgardians; almost comedic and pitiful.

 

The trouble was – and this was the reason she had been interrogated – there had been a lot of questionable items found in the house in which she had been hiding, such as a weapons cache and several outlawed substances.

 

**_Including a stash of Asgardian Greenbell extract………._ **


	22. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid. Ch22: Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Treats from Erika's Mother and a carafe of Asgardian Red do no favours for our troubled would-be King.....

You find me in good spirits today! It did set off really badly when I woke up, but I have cheered up enormously since then.

 

The day I was questioned with the courtesan was a few days ago now and Loki has not spoken of it since. He has been incredibly busy as well. Something to do with an elite corps he is creating within the military, so I have hardly seen him. I have even been home once because I knew he would be out all day. It was so good to catch up with my family and my Mother brought up a very important subject. My day of birth celebration.

 

Yes, dear diary. I will be seventeen years of age next week. I am truly leaving girlhood behind and I will only be three years Alexander’s junior! I have been thinking about my life this afternoon while carrying out my duties. I am almost seventeen, I have a high ranking job at the Palace and I am courting a sweet-natured, beautiful man who I am sure is destined for great things in the armed corps.

 

The only downside is that my boss (and my housemate) is Loki – and I’m the only one who knows he is alive. I may be happy right at this moment, but last night was not good at all. It is amazing how people slip back into old habits, too. Last night he got drunk for the first time since he was poisoned. It started out with a nice meal, provided by the chefs to celebrate a day of rest in Asgard. I had had dinner at my family’s house and my Mother had given me some honey cakes to bring home with me. I had also found time to walk along the river with Alexander – it was lovely! He picked some river roses for me and we drank Asgardian apple juice watching the golden fish in the waters. It was just so nice to relax, talk about random things and get to know each other a bit better. I learned he has a huge family, with lots of uncles, aunts and cousins, ranging from very wealthy merchants to servants in nearly every part of the Palace. He was originally going to be a carpenter, but some friends convinced him he would be better placed in the military corps, serving Asgard and her people.

 

We also kissed. A lot. It is so nice. It is so exciting and it makes other parts of me feel really good. I am not a stranger to my body, but I have started thinking I would like someone else to share it with more and more since I started to see Alexander. He cuddles me and touches me so nicely when we kiss; he makes me feel so wanted and safe and – gosh, I blush as I write – so sexy! He told me I was the most beautiful girl he has ever known as well. It made me feel so happy! He really cares about me so much. I truly love him; I really do. I wonder if I should tell him.

 

However…….. I was telling you about Loki, was I not?

 

After my nice afternoon with Alexander, we went back to the Palace and he went off duty, so another guard escorted me to the kitchens to collect supper for Loki. (I really must talk to him about this being escorted everywhere – it is as if he does not trust me.) The trolley was already prepared and there was a carafe of wine on it. I could not really refuse it without looking odd, so I took it all up to the suite. I have recently asked Loki if he is going to start dining socially again and he accused me of wanting to be rid of him! So I continue to bring him an evening meal to the suite.

 

I was just thinking of pouring the wine down the toilet when Loki arrived looking tired and harassed and I missed my chance. He spotted it and poured himself a goblet without even so much as a pause, and then he took a hefty swallow. He came over to me and I helped him out of his royal dress and he went for a shower while I neatened it and hung it up. When he came back out, his hair was soaking wet and he was dressed in some rather scruffy clothes – worn leather pants and a rumpled green shirt. Talk about lounging clothes! He asked me to dine, but as I had eaten a large dinner with my family I was not hungry. I told him I had a treat for his pudding and to not eat too much, though. Once I had served him his main course, I went out onto the balcony to read the book I had borrowed from him. He called me in when he had finished and, as I cleared away his plate, I noticed he was already halfway down that damn carafe. I should have got rid of it!

 

Anyway, I took in the box of honey cakes my Mother had made. I was really proud that the ‘King’ of Asgard was sampling my Mother’s food and I looked forward to her excitement when I told her.

 

But again, I tried to do something nice and it backfired. And there were moments that made me feel strange emotions. I think I need to pare back my interactions with Loki to just master and servant, because every time I try to do something else, it just does not work.

 

So, I brought the cakes out. He asked what they were and I told him. I said I wanted to share because they were my favourite. He looked at me strangely, so I just took one and started to eat it. Oh, diary – I wish you could eat, because they are glorious! It reminded me of baking with my Mother and getting flour and butter everywhere! I was somehow telling him all this while I was trying to stop the honey running down my chin – I was laughing as I scooped it up with my fingers and licked it off. My manners had gone out the window and it was going everywhere! I was giggling because I was making a mess, then I heard Loki get up and I panicked because I was not really being very ladylike. He came over to my side of the table and took my hands. He waved his over them and the mess disappeared (his magic must be back up to full strength), then he took a napkin and lifted my chin up to wipe my mouth clean. A couple of times he glanced at me – but I had to look away. It made me feel strange. He made me feel - oh I do not know. I do not know what it was but I have not been able to stop thinking about it all day.   
  
  
He told me I was a messy girl. Then he went and sat back down and took a cake, which he ate with much more finesse than I! He asked me about my relationship with my Mother and I have to admit I did go on about it quite a lot, because we are so close – or at least we were when I still lived there. I didn’t say that, but I think it may have come across in how I was talking. He was messing with his damned goblet all the time while I was talking. When I stopped, he smiled at me really sadly and told me I was fortunate to have such a relationship with her. He filled his goblet up and excused himself and went out onto the balcony. The sky was dark and he seemed to be concentrating on one particular constellation of bright white stars. I left him to it and cleared everything away. I turned down his bed and got a few things ready for the morning.

 

I was really tired by the time I had done all that and I decided to go to bed, so I had a wash, brushed my teeth, changed into my nightgown – all the usual. Loki was still outside even though I took my time.

 

I was worried about a repeat of the last time he had been drunk on the balcony. I know there was no poison, but I could not just leave him out there. So I went to say goodnight. I don’t think he had realised I was still up and about though, because how I found him was in a state I am quite sure he would not willingly have wanted me to see.

 

Loki was sitting on the floor, crying with his head in his hands and the empty goblet to one side. I nearly turned away, but he raised his head and saw me. Oh Gods! I felt so sad for him. To cut a long story short, I managed to get him to his feet despite his slurred protestations, got him to bed and held him until he quietened down and fell asleep.

 

And that’s where I woke up this morning. Back in his damned bed with his arm draped over me.

 

**_I just do not know what to do about this relapse…………_ **


	23. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 23: The Best Policy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry!! I know it is a bit of a teaser, but I needed to get you ready for the result of this conversation..................

Relapses aside, I have decided that I need to be honest with Loki and tell him he worries me. I am going to replace any wine with juices of various fruits or even with watered mead, which I will keep stocked in the suite. If I accidentally leave the odd carafe of wine in the refectory, or donate it to the student’s union bar, it will not be a tragedy, will it? There is also the sink down which to pour it, of course.

 

Then there is the issue with my free time. I could do with set hours where possible and definitely a day in the week totally free after he arises and I have served him his breakfast. I am also going to demand my escort around the Palace is dropped.

 

Asking about the free time is a convenient way to bring up my day of birth celebration as well, because I intend to take at least the afternoon and evening off to spend with the people I love.

 

I do not think I can bring myself to try to discuss why he was so upset looking out at the stars on the balcony, though. I do not think he remembers it. When I moved to get out of bed this morning, it woke him up and he was really puzzled as to why I was there. But then his hangover hit him and I got up to prepare his tea and run his bath. I made him a remedy which seemed to help.

 

So, diary. Wish me luck, because after he managed to look halfway Asgardian and ready for court this morning, I told him I wished to talk with him over supper. As luck would have it, he actually agreed.

 

**_I am not sure if I should be worried by that…………._ **


	24. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 24: Negotiation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wait. What?!?!?! 
> 
> Even with all the talking, Erika has come away from this "important discussion" with only her free time on her mind. Is she really such a naive teenager that she cannot appreciate what is happening between her and Loki?

Dare I tell? If I do, will I tempt the Norns and have what I have gained taken from me?

 

I am proud to say that I have tried to learn from my previous mistakes of jumping down Loki’s throat and making demands of him in hot tempers. I think I may be growing up at last!

 

He does have a lot to deal with at the moment, what with growing unrest and the logistics of creating his warrior elite. When he came home last night, he looked so weary that I considered putting our talk off, but I had already prepared the table for the two of us and when he came out of the bathroom towelling his hair dry, he asked if we were supping together. So I did not see any point in putting it off any longer.

 

I asked him to hear me out, because I had a lot to say and to ask of him, so he ate quietly, while I said my piece. I have never seen him so restrained, because I could tell that some of what I brought up was not to his liking.

 

I told him I am worried about him. That I am worried this charade of being Odin cannot carry on for much longer, worried that he is keeping bad hours, worried he keeps no-one’s company; most of all – worried that he will slide back into drinking heavily.

 

I asked him for some small free time each day. I asked for a free day and I  _told_  him I expected to be allowed to spend time with my loved ones on my birth celebration day. I also asked him why he continued to insist on an escort everywhere I go.

 

All of this, I did calmly. I did not raise my voice; I did not exaggerate or moan. Then I had a long drink of juice, as my mouth had gone quite dry, I was so nervous.

 

He did not answer straight away and I got worried that I had overstepped my mark once again and that he might not be very happy with what I had had to say. But, he eventually pushed his plate away and leaned back in his chair. I got up to clear it away, but he bade me sit, so I did.

 

You know how I have mentioned the strange looks he sometimes gives me? And how he has started to make me have odd feelings? Well, when he looked at me to answer all I had just said, it happened again. I cannot describe it properly. It is as if he is not just looking to make eye contact politely while he speaks to me; it is more than that. It makes me nervous. It makes me uncomfortable, but – oddly – I also get a sense of warmth and safety, and  _that_  I cannot understand. I can not decide if he is trying to read my mind or not, or even something else.

 

Anyway, I looked down at my hands to avoid him. He said he understood my requests; we had not got round to properly sorting out my expected longer hours of service and for that he apologised. He said I could certainly take the whole of my 17th birth celebration day off and some of the following day, too. He had not known it was coming up. It cheered me up no end when he said I could do this!

 

So, I got up to clear away the supper, but he again asked me to be seated, as he had not finished what  _he_  wanted to discuss with  _me._

 

 

He asked me why I care.

 

 

It threw me, I can tell you! I could not answer him. Why I  _care_? I do not know that I care. I am  _scared._  I am  _worried_. I  _need_ him to be in good health. I  _wish_  he were in better spirits and I am practical and sensible enough to know that eventually he will be discovered. Does that mean I  _care_? Or does it mean I am trapped in this situation?

 

Before I could say anything he got up anyway and came to stand behind my chair. I got scared of what he might do. He put his hands on my shoulders and squeezed them gently, then he kissed the top of my head, which I found strange. He thanked me for comforting him the previous night, then he took his drink (of spiced Asgardian apple juice) and picked up that old tatty poetry book I had read to him when he was ill. He told me my escort was for my own protection and would not be removed, then went out onto the balcony.

 

**_I got my birth celebration day off!! I am soooooo happy…………_ **

 


	25. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 25: Free Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Has Erika's candour worked a bit of magic on Loki?  
> And when will she actually just own up to having boyfriend?

Good evening my most precious paper confidante! I have a little freedom tonight because….. Loki is dining in public!

 

When I was getting him ready this morning he told me he needed me to attend him in council, so we went straight there. It was so,  _so_  boring! The council was full of grey old men and jumped up young military college graduates, all vying for Odin’s favour. I was not really listening, as I was there to organise papers and scrolls for the discussion table. They were arguing over the new warrior elite. The older men seemed to be in favour of the King having a corps answerable only to him, as were many of the younger ones, but there were a few who were quite vocally against it. They were arguing a lot, but I was just bored of it all.

 

Then this amazing soldier arrived. He was in the most splendid armour I had ever seen; even Odin’s was not as grand. I think he is going to be the leader of this elite warrior group Loki is setting up, because they started talking about a swearing in ceremony. After a while, I was so bored with it all, I felt like taking a nap.

 

I think Loki could tell I was getting fidgety, because he dismissed me and asked me to file the papers in his desk. He also told me I was free after that, as he would be dining in the Great Hall with his advisors!

 

And he winked at me with his good eye as he said it! I nearly dropped dead!

 

So – yay! I have had the whole afternoon off and, as luck would have it, Alexander was not on duty. I sent a runner to his house with a note to meet me in the gardens near our favourite tree if he was free. By the time I had changed into a lovely summer dress and packed a picnic, then made my way there, he was sitting under it, waiting for me. He stood up when I got there and he told me I looked beautiful!

 

He was so nice – he embraced me and we kissed. We wandered around for a while, then we found a quiet corner in the Topiary and Statue garden. I was ravenous and we dug into the picnic I had brought. We had fruits and cheeses, sweet pastries and even a bottle of mead I had decided would be nice.

 

We talked a lot. Alexander wants me to meet more of his friends and family and to spend more time together. I told him I had agreed better terms with Odin over my free time. It seemed to annoy him when I mentioned his King’s name – I am sure he still thinks there is something going on between us. Anyway, I hopefully put that idea to rest, because I made the first move for a few perfect kisses and wiped the frown right off his face.

 

We actually got a bit intimate if I write the truth. I was sitting in his lap, facing him, because he was leaning back against a statue. He put his hand under my skirts and pulled me right up close to him while we were kissing and I could feel him. I mean I could feel that he was enjoying it! There was only a bit of cloth between me and a certain part of Alexander that felt a bit scary, but also very thrilling! I really do blush when I write these things, but it is how I was feeling. I had to stop things, though, because he got carried away and gave me another love-bite on my shoulder and one on my neck. He was also getting very bold with where he was putting his hands. I am not saying I did not like it, but I started to get nervous, too. I did not know where we would go next or how far he would want to carry on.

 

He was really understanding. I told him I was sorry and he said to not worry, but I know he wants to do more. I would too, but now I am extremely worried about the mark on my neck. I have got a silk scarf on to cover it, but my uniform will not hide it tomorrow. I will have to try a bit of make up.

 

Anyway – it is my day off the day after tomorrow and I am going to spend it at Alexander’s house. I will call round to see my family on the way. A whole day off! I can not wait.

 

**_I wonder what Loki will do while I am out…………._ **


	26. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 26: Jotúun!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is getting giddy over his new warriors and then Erika rains on his parade, big time......

I am looking forward to tomorrow, so! I have my clothing decided upon already and I have arranged everything so that things go smoothly while I am not here. I have had all the linens changed today, which is a day early, so that is sorted out. Loki has promised me he is dining in the Great Hall tomorrow night to celebrate one of the Goddess’ daughter’s debuts. This is the second social occasion he will attend this week – I really think my talk with him did some good. All of this means there will be nothing left to chance tomorrow and Loki will be getting fed, and that is a relief. I will be able to enjoy my time off.

I have even got everything ready for tomorrow morning, so the only thing that will be between me and that door will be Loki and how long he takes to get ready!

 

 

I had better go. He has returned from court, now and I have to serve him his supper.

 

 

Well, that was interesting! I do not quite know what to think, now. Loki is in a mood once again and I have left him to it; I do not need to sit in an atmosphere such as the one he has created tonight. I begged tiredness and came here into my room.

 

He actually came in from court with a smile on his face – I know – I could not believe it. I am really starting to think he behaves better when someone actually has the nerve to tell him things he might not like, but which he needs to hear. Or when someone plucks up enough courage to stand up to him.

Apparently, his good mood was because of the warrior elite. They are the King's Company, twenty four of the finest warriors Asgard has to offer. They will have to go through a selection process that is really difficult, have fantastic and robust character references, show off their physical and mental prowess and the like. The successful candidates will undergo intense training and will eventually be the only ones who will guard and fight for the King directly. Loki was really quite excited about it and he was telling me all this with – dare I say it –  _happiness_  on his face!

Or he was until I opened my big mouth. Yes. I, Erika, did it again.

 

But all I asked was: could he trust them completely?

 

It was a valid question, especially given that someone had managed to poison him.

You would have thought I had told him I had hidden Thor in the closet or something similar! I was helping him out of his armour when I said it and the buckle was stuck, so I was right up close to him, messing around with it. That is why his reaction scared me. He turned round and my hand caught on the buckle, which hurt, then he was right in my face about to shout. But his eyes were red!! I shoved hard at him and moved backwards, I was so shocked and terrified. I had never seen them like that before and certainly not so close. They looked evil!

He got a really puzzled look on his face and asked what was wrong with me. He said I was made of tougher stuff than that and how I usually impressed him with how defiant I can be.

 

I could not tell him. I could not. So much for outright honesty and telling him things he needs to hear, Erika. I just pointed at a mirror and he went over to look.

 

He squinted a bit and he touched his reflection, staring at it. He leant on the table in front of the mirror and hung his head.

 

I had to ask the question, diary, I  _had_  to, because it could explain a lot of things. I asked:

 

“Loki, is there any chance this could have happened with anyone else? Can this happen even if you are disguised as Odin?”

 

 

**_Had Loki’s eyes ever given him away in anger before?........_ **


	27. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 27: Politics and Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems being the King's chambermaid is not simply about looking after his daily needs.  
> Erika starts to learn that Alexander's political leanings may not necessarily be true to the King, despite his role as one of the Royal guards.

Just a note before I go out for the day. It did not get left in a bad way last night. Loki came to see me and we talked a bit. He nearly caught me writing, actually, so I will have to make sure I hide you really well. He knocked on my door about an hour after I had left him to his mood and after I had quickly shoved you under my pillow, dear diary, I called to tell him he could come in. He has never been in my room before, or at least not since it became my sleeping chamber and he gave it a good look round as he came in. It is quite small, especially for a room in the Palace. There is only my bed, a small wardrobe and my bedside table, which has a candlestick and whatever I am reading on it. He looked uncomfortable, so I patted my eiderdown blanket and said to sit down.

He perched right on the end of my bed and then he apologised for scaring me earlier on. Then he apologised for the unpleasant mood he had displayed throughout the evening, including our supper. So I apologised back for causing it, but he stopped me. He said I had asked valid questions and that he had to remind himself of my youth and naivety and that I deserved answers.

The elite corps? He has been purposefully recruiting from the companies he served with before his life fell apart and he admitted that he has been influencing their thought processes and political leanings heavily with his magic.

His red eyes? The answer to my question:  _He does not know._  Given that the poison was meant for Jotúuns, he now doubts his ability to remain completely disguised.

He hates to do it, I know, because it is no longer in his nature, but he thanked me for caring enough to ask the questions in the first place. He said he knew it must have taken courage on my part, especially with our history. Then he left.

 

 

Well, diary, I am now going out for my day off duty. I shall write later!

 

 

 

Gods, I am so tired! I have had an eventful day; I met more of Alexander’s friends and more of his huge family. We met up in a large tavern in the market quarter and we had lunch around some tables which had been pushed together for us. They seem to be a generally friendly bunch and we had a fun time. I recognised a few of them from around the Palace, which worried me at first, because my position there has not gone down very well with a lot of the servants. There is nothing I can do about that, of course, other than be nice to people and hope they will be nice back.

 

Someone jokingly asked if Alexander was going to apply to be one of the Einherjar, but he did not find it funny. He said the only reason the new corps is being set up is because Odin knows war will soon be upon us. I just messed with my drink, because he also said he would apply if the King was one worthy enough! There were quite a few voices around the table that seemed to agree and I felt uncomfortable – these were treasonous remarks! Fortunately, someone brought out a pack of cards and suggested some games were in order. That was good fun and I even managed to win a couple of times.

 

Alexander walked me back to the Palace afterwards and we played a game of naming the stars as we walked along, holding hands. Whoever got the name right was allowed to steal a kiss from the other! It was quite amusing, until he pointed out the small group of particularly white stars that Loki had been looking up at the night I found him weeping on the balcony. I didn’t actually know what it was until Alexander told me and I feel so foolish now that I do. It is Frigga’s constellation. I feel so bad. I had been rambling on to Loki about my mother and shared her cakes with him, had I not? I must have seemed really insensitive. I feel quite guilty about it.

 

Should I apologise? Or would it make things worse? Also, Should I do anything about the tone of the conversation around the lunch table?

 

 

 

**_Do I dare pursue this line of openness and honesty with Loki?..........._ **


	28. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 28: Growing Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are coming together for Erika's big day. Sounds like it will be a night to remember!

Only three more days of being a sixteen year old! I can safely say I will be glad to let it go. When I think about how the last two months of my sixteenth year have turned out, I have high expectations that by the end of my seventeenth year, I will be so much happier.

 

I need to confess that I told Loki I had learned of Frigga’s constellation whilst I was dressing him this morning. I swear I did it tactfully! I apologised for harping on about my own mother so much and asked him to forgive me for being insensitive. He told me to forget it.

I cannot forget, though! How terrible to love your mother and to not be permitted to attend her funeral. She was the one we used to see him with the most; he hardly ever spent his free time with Odin. She was an incredibly beautiful and elegant woman and she always treated the servants with a kind and quiet attitude. But from the tone of Loki’s voice, I do have the distinct impression he would rather I did not bring the subject of his mother up again. I am now at a loss as to whether I should ever mention my own again, as I would not want to spark any kind of hurt or depression in him by doing so. I was going to tell him she was really proud that a monarch had sampled her baking, but I do not think it would be very wise, now.

 

On to happier things: everything is set for my birth celebration anyway! The night before, I will have my supper with Loki, and then I will be taken to my parent’s house to spend the night. I will have a full day of being spoiled; there will be games, music, food, drink and celebration. Then Alexander apparently has a surprise arranged for me in the evening.

And the best bit? I do not have to return to the Palace until noon the following day! Loki has offered this as his gift to me and he actually laughed when I asked if he would be alright sorting himself out that morning. He reminded me how old he is and said he has looked after himself on more than one occasion and sometimes in situations that are no where near as luxurious as his own Palace. I have never seen Loki laugh in genuine mirth since I found him. He looked very different.

 

Well, I have to leave, briefly. My family want to see me this afternoon for a pre-celebration surprise and I have been given permission from Loki to take a couple of hours off. He is being very understanding about all this to do with my celebration day.

   
  


**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

   
  


Oh, dear Gods! I am so lucky! Oh, I am so, so happy! My family are so thoughtful and generous, they really are. I think they know I am quite taken with Alexander and they have arranged things to make the evening of my celebration day so nice. He was there when I arrived this afternoon and they had all been working in collusion with each other!

My mother’s gift to me is a beautiful gown to wear and my brother has gifted me some matching shoes. My father has arranged for a table at a very nice place to eat for Alexander and me as well. I am just so happy. Everyone was smiling and I got a bit giddy at how we were all getting along like a wonderful family. I have brought my gown home as I needed to slightly alter the waistline and it is now hanging in Frigga’s wardrobe as mine is too small and it would get crushed. I did a bit of a fashion parade in front of Loki so he could tell me if I had sewn it correctly so it did not show and then I asked if it was alright to put it in there and he just sort of waved his hand and nodded, so I took it as permission. I jokingly told him to leave it alone now I had altered it, but he didn’t really find it funny. Oops!

But diary, it is the most beautiful gown I have ever seen in my life. It is of softest black velvet and it has the tiniest of golden beads sewn here and there so that, when I walk, they catch the light. There is a black chiffon scarf to cover my shoulders, as it is a strapless sweetheart neckline. I will feel so grown up when I wear it and my mother has offered to dress my hair that day as well. I am just so excited now, that I truly cannot wait!

   
  
  


**_I confess, too, that I may want to give Alexander a special gift in return………._ **


	29. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 29: Dissent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems pressure is starting to mount on Loki in addition to the growth of unfavourable attitudes in the general population.....

Dear Diary, I am trying to avoid Loki tonight. I had to attend him in council today – which I have been doing a lot since he was poisoned – and there were subjects brought up by his advisors that really got quite worrying and wound him up. There is talk of a conspiracy to bring the House of Odin down. The councillors were demanding that Odin gets in touch with Thor and bring him back from Midgard. They also complained that he does not seem to be doing much about the uprisings in some of the outlying suburbs of Asgard and on Múspellsheimr and Jotúnheimr.

 

I found it really difficult to not look at Loki (obviously in disguise as Odin) meaningfully. Since I witnessed the unhappy mutterings about worthy Kings at the tavern the other day, I have been meaning to suggest to him that he pays less attention to his new soldiers and more to the complaints of the general army and even the common folk. It is obvious he brings me along to keep a watch out for his guise slipping, but I can not help but hear what goes on regarding the discussions, too. I still haven’t told him about the discussions amongst Alexander’s family and friends, though. I think if I word it to make it sound like Palace gossip and leave out names, then I should be able to warn him and avoid getting them into trouble.

 

 

 

I have just re-read all that and I am left wondering if I would be able to get it past the God of Lies! When did my ability to clear up mess and polish mirrors evolve into keeping secrets about a usurper and worrying that my boyfriend’s political leanings might get him jailed? It is so bizarre! I can not be the only one who wonders why Loki brings his chambermaid along to court to baby-sit him! What have I done to get myself into this position? I admit I do care somewhat for Loki – it set off as doing as I was commanded, but when he nearly died, I could have cried and now that I have got used to his aloofness and high and mighty attitude, I see he is actually a very lonely person. I feel a bit sorry for him, even if he is a profoundly changed man – and not for the better. It is as if all his efforts up to now have been in vain. What has he gained, really? He has imprisoned his father who-knows-where, his brother has favoured Midgard over the throne and his mother is dead.

 

I am about the only person he can talk to as Loki and I certainly the only one he can reveal his true self to. Anyway, he did not have a good day in council or in court and it made it a long day for me, too. I have left a cold (but nice) supper for him and I am lounging here in my room, reading, as I do not want to hear another word about it all.

 

Well, tomorrow is another day. Hopefully a good one, as I will be taking supper with Loki before I leave to stay at my parent’s house. I will take you with me so I can write about my day and avoid anyone finding you.

 

**_That King of mine had better not mar the start of my celebrations…………_ **


	30. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 30: The Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika takes supper with a tired King of Asgard and he remembers to give her a gift for her birth celebration. Why won't he wait around to see her reaction?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have seen if you read the comments, I have received a lot of feedback from Wellsee21. I am about to start to bring in a lot of plot lines and ideas over the next couple of chapters and they are a mixture of what I already had in mind and embellishments made with the encouragement of this reader. 
> 
> I really hope you like how they turned out and PLEASE - if you really feel strongly about a particular angle you would like to see incorporated - either comment, or inbox me!!! This is an organic and interactive series on more than one site and I would love to have your input.
> 
> Thanks for reading <3 <3 <3

Tonight I am writing in my old room at my parents’ house. It is quite late and I am tired, but I am so excited for tomorrow that I cannot sleep! The day has dragged terribly, as you can imagine – I had everything ready to bring here and I had everything I could possibly arrange for Loki’s comfort all done by halfway through the morning. Then I was bored! Loki had gone, in his Odin guise, with some outriders to a farming village that had been attacked in the night. It turned out they had been mountain trolls and had sneaked into Asgard through some magical passageway between the realms!

 

He actually managed to return well in time for supper though, which, for a busy King, is quite a feat. He did not say much while we were eating, but I could tell his mind was far away, so I did not try to start any conversation. After we had finished, I cleared everything away and then he asked me to accompany him out onto the balcony. We sat on the soft couch we had spent a fair amount of time on while he was ill and we ended up looking out at the stars.

 

He was really quiet and I have to say I started to feel awkward – mostly because I could tell he was looking up at Frigga’s constellation. But then he sighed loudly and laughed in a kind of sad way and apologised for his demeanour. I can not work him out, sometimes. It is as if there is some of the Loki from only a few short years back – when I started my training – still in there somewhere, but the Loki of now seems to keep him hidden, shackled in the darkness inside him. Yet now and then I catch a glimpse and it confuses me.

 

He then launched into a long speech about my service; how I do a good job, how – despite my age and my obstinate and quite often defiant attitude – I seem to be getting the hang of what being his maid and assistant (assistant – when did that ever get discussed?) is all about. He went on and on – as if he did not quite know how to get to the point. I do not think he is used to talking to someone like me in what was almost approaching a friendly manner. You would be proud – I managed to remain fairly quiet; only saying “thank you” where appropriate.

 

When he finally got to what he really wanted to say, his attitude changed. He went from a formal, if somewhat friendly demeanour to one of seriousness. And, I suppose, one that betrayed a small element of care. He gave me a box and told me it was my celebration gift. He said he would understand if I did not want to accept it, but that he hoped I would. Before I could open it, he said he was going to retire for the night and to have a wonderful day and above all, stay safe out so late at night. Then he left me out on the balcony alone! He did not wait around to see if I liked it or not, or even for me to thank him!

 

Of course I opened it. I know I should have waited for the right day, but it was there in my hand, tempting me. So I opened it. Diary, it is beautiful! It is a simple chain of three colours of gold: green, black and yellow gold links with a pendant. It is an unusual stone; oval in shape and it is the deepest black I have ever seen – like the wings of a raven. Yet there are strange points within it of iridescent green and gold. They look like the stars of the nine realms and I would swear they move inside. It is a truly magical stone and I spent ages looking at it.

 

I have to admit that I was actually moved to receive such a breath-taking gift. From Loki, too! I went back inside, but the drapes were already drawn around his bed and the room was in darkness. I suppose the day had really taken its toll on him.

 

So, I got my gown, scarf and overnight bag. I put the pendant back in its box and into my bag – oh, I will be wearing it tomorrow; it will go perfectly with my gown. Then I left with my escort to come here to my parents’ house.

 

**_Tomorrow, dear diary, I will be the belle of the ball………._ **


	31. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 31: The Big Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika manages to sneak away to enter a few paragraphs about her big day. Sounds like it is the perfect celebration of birth and she is getting spoiled rotten!

I am seventeen! Of course, I have to share my excitement with you diary, as I hope to read back when I am older and be able to relate to my teenaged self.

 

My family probably think I am still asleep, as I can hear them downstairs, but no one has come up to see if I am awake. The truth is: I have been awake since dawn! I am afraid old habits die hard and I would normally be preparing everything for Loki right now before waking him up (I do hope he will be alright this morning). I did try to go back to sleep, but I am just too excited. I will try to sneak back here during the day to write little bits about what is happening – I do not want you to miss a thing!

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

I have just managed to get away for a few minutes by saying I needed the bathroom. It is a lovely day so far – fair weather, a delicious breakfast of fruits and cheeses – and  _wine_! Only a small cup to toast the day, though! I am even still in my nightgown – I do not think I have had a day so laid back as this for a long time. My mother is going to run me a bath (I feel like the Queen of Asgard!) in a few minutes and she has purchased some very luxurious fragrance oil to put in it for me – spiced orange. It smells divine. Then she is going to help me to get dressed, then I apparently have a surprise while she dresses my hair. I can not wait – so I had better go. I will return to let you know what it was!

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

You will never guess what I am sporting on my right arm! It is a beautiful tattoo applied whilst my mother dressed my hair earlier. It is not a permanent adornment, though, as it was done using a paste from the Svartblad Lilje, which grows near stagnant water in woodlands. They grind the leaves up to form the black paste, which they paint onto the skin in the patterns. Once it has dried, the excess is removed, leaving a black stain behind. Mine goes from delicate tendrils winding around my fingers, through slim vines supporting flowers on my wrist, up to slender branches which split all around my forearm to support fluffy clouds up past my elbow. Emerging from these clouds are falcons, dragons and those Midgardian creatures called faeries! It is just wonderfully dark and beautiful and intricate and delicate – I love it!

 

My mother has dressed my hair in black and gold ribbon to match my gown. When I got my pendant out to wear, though, she went to her room and came back out with golden hairpins set with emeralds. I have never seen them before. She said an old friend gifted them to her a long time ago on her own celebration day. I asked who, but she would not answer and looked quite sad. She has given them to me and fixed them in my hair! I feel so spoiled and I am enjoying every second. Anyway, I had better go, because they are waiting and we girls have to have our make up done.

 

I shall report back later!

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

Oh diary! I am having so much fun!! It is quite late now and I have just made my excuses again to quickly update you.

 

Everyone is here – all my relatives and friends. Alexander is here with his parents and a few of his friends and family I know. Everyone has complemented me on how I look – especially Alexander! He took me to one side before and told me he was the luckiest man on Asgard and kissed me so sweetly. It made me go all warm inside. He really is so romantic and loving. His gift to me was a beautiful pair of earrings in purest Dwarven gold, which of course I put on straightaway!

 

His aunt said something interesting about my pendant. She said the stone looks like an altseende øyet gem, which would make it very rare – only very powerful mages tend to have them. She asked me where it was from and when I told them Odin had gifted it to me, everyone seemed to be really impressed!

 

Anyway – I know what my surprise is. I am not supposed to know, of course, but I overheard Alexander telling one of his cousins about it in the kitchen. Quite recently, we spent some time along the river watching the golden fish swimming (it was the day Loki ended up drunk and weeping about his mother’s constellation). Near the spot where Alexander and I kind of got to know each other better there is a waterfall in a small grove. Apparently he has been up there today and made it all nice – with lanterns and flowers and picnic blankets, as well as little something to drink and he is going to take me up there after we have been for something to eat courtesy of my parents for the second part of his gift to me. That made me excited – another part to my gift!

 

I will have to hide you now, diary. I am sorry, but you are getting wrapped up in my undergarments and being put in the bottom of my overnight bag underneath my toiletries and night clothes. It should deter prying eyes! I have to go now – we are leaving for our meal. Then on to the waterfall!

 

This has been the most wonderful celebration day ever.

 

 

  ** _And I am spending it with the sweetest man............_**


	32. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 32: Splinters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did Erika have the time of her life?
> 
>  
> 
> theimpossiblewriter.deviantart… and wellsee21 on AO3 have, in their feedback, both asked of me will there ever be any love between Loki and Erika. Well, there are several kinds of love. I'm not sure that either of the characters would see this situation as "love" per se, but I am trying to deepen their relationship without jumping on the Stockholm bandwagon. Been there, done that in palefire73.deviantart.com/gall…
> 
> wellsee21 also asked if Loki would ever come to Erika's aid in a similar way she did for him in his hour of need. I hope this answers your question :)
> 
> Please remember this is a series OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS for scenarios (Asgardian please, or Midgardian that I can make Asgardian), questions I can answer for you through a storyline or even additions of little quirky things the characters might do during their day. If you have ideas for major plotlines, please do it through a note so that it does not spoil it for other readers should I adopt it. All ideas, suggestions etc will be credited unless you specifically don't want it, in which case - Loki will get the credit!

Will this ever go away?

 

I need to get this down. What to write? It’s gone.

 

No, it’s not all gone. Some of it remains, but why are there holes? Oh Gods, I cannot do this, I just

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Diary, I will try again. Something is wrong inside my mind. I have re-read the pages up to my celebration day and it all makes perfect sense. Everything I was so excited about on the actual day makes perfect sense and I remember it all. I remember card games and dancing and a bit of something strong to drink. The tattoo, the necklace, laughing with friends, sneaking into the back garden to exchange kisses and caresses with Alexander. I remember the food, jokes and party games.

But other things I cannot make sense of. It is as if my memory of that day is a puzzle made of blocks and there are some of them missing. I have emotions swirling round in my head – hurt, fear and dejection, yet they are tempered by those of relief, safety and comfort. I keep trying to work out why I am feeling this way, but my mind will not co-operate. I have the feeling that something has happened that I simply cannot - or have been prevented from - recalling.

I remember going for a wonderful meal with Alexander. I will write what I can remember and hope it allows my mind to piece together what is gone.

 

The setting was beautiful and the food delicious. We talked a lot and I felt we were really connecting with each other. We agree on a lot of things, have similar tastes and he makes me laugh. He held my hand on the table a lot and it made me feel really special. Then we walked through the trees near the river and he brought me to my surprise in the grove at the waterfall. It was so beautiful! We sat on one of the blankets and he poured me some perfumed mead – I’d never had it before, but it was delicately flavoured and very delicious. Of course we kissed. He is my boyfriend and I love him! So, we kissed more, then touched more and it did get rather intense and thrilling and I remember wanting him to do more but also being scared. He actually stopped and suggested we took time to cool off a bit.

 

Oh – and then my gift. Yes, the other part of my gift from him. It was a necklace to match the earrings he had gifted to me. So, he took off the pendant Loki had given me and put the golden necklace on instead, saying it was more fitting that I wear a necklace from my boyfriend than from my employer. I remember that bit clearly, because his voice was definitely tinged with jealousy, but I ignored it and kissed him.

We watched the waterfall in the lantern glow for a while, which was magical. Then Alexander started to caress my neck and shoulders and I remember it making me feel warm inside and that feeling of wanting more came back, but I still had that slight underlying fear of the unknown.

 

Then things are strange and disjointed. There are flashes of memory, punctuated with darkness, as if someone has painted blackness across sections of my mind. Time stutters and events are not linked properly.

 

There is pushing, shouting, a weight against me; suddenly gone. Tears, accusations, raised voices. Then quiet and hugs and then pushing away. The next proper recollection is of us sitting on that blanket and Alexander is bleeding from scratches on his face and his coat sleeve is ripped, whilst my hair has fallen from the pins and ribbons my mother had taken great care to dress it in. There is a tear in the bodice of my gown, although it is still in place. Then Alexander is crying and asking why I did not love him enough to give myself to him. He said he had now lost the appetite to sleep with me anyway as it was obvious from my reaction and rejection of him that I was betraying him with Odin! He carries on to ask if there is any hope for him with me.

I remember pleading with him, trying to convince him that there is nothing between Odin and me. Trying to embrace him and to kiss him to prove it. Then there is blackness again. A faint sound of running breaks through but I see nothing and then I see myself sitting, wrapped in the blanket, crying my heart out. I knew I should go back to my parent’s house, but I could not move. I was clasping Loki’s pendant in my hand and weeping for all I was worth about the terrible argument Alexander and I had just had. Doubting myself. Wishing I had just allowed things to take their course and joined with Alexander anyway. This is followed by yet more darkness and feelings of movement, but no pictures, no sound. There is a brief feeling of safety and security and then I remember waking up from a nightmare at home in my own bed in the middle of the night to find Loki sitting in a chair watching me like a dark sentinel.

Oh diary, when I saw him I burst into tears! I really did and I do not know why. I was overwhelmed by such a big day ending in unhappiness and I confess I wailed like a lost child. Loki came over and lay down behind me and held me while I just cried and cried. He started to talk to me, but in no language I understood. All I know is that I cried myself back to sleep in his arms, which is a bizarre twist of fate, considering what I did for him when he was having nightmares. (Which seems to have subsided recently? It is good, but I have to wonder why he was so troubled in the first place and why he seems to not be now.)

 

So, an obvious question – how did I get  _you_  back?

 

Well, to cut a long story short, Loki brought you here. I do not think he knows I had a diary in my bag when he picked it up from my parent’s house in the guise of Odin, as it was packed exactly as I had done it before I left for the meal with Alexander. He told them I had returned to the Palace after the meal because I had not wanted to disturb them, due to the lateness of the hour. Of course as soon as I found you I had to relate all this to you. Writing it down helps me to try to make sense of it. My celebration day is now three nights ago and I have not been able to sleep properly ever since. I have no idea what has happened to Alexander as I have not been out of the suite since I came back.

 

The holes in my memory plague me and my mind tries to fill in the blanks for me in the form of terrible nightmares. During the day, I find myself doing strange things such as polishing the same spot on the mirror round and round for ages, just staring at it and almost becoming hypnotised. And that is when I am awake. Even now, the days are fuzzy and I am not myself – I am sure Loki is giving me sleeping draughts or something, but it is no help to me. If I could get some decent, restful sleep and if I could just, somehow, regain those lost moments so that my mind stops the nightly torment, then I am sure I would feel better.   
The thing is; I know just how to get that deep, restful sleep; it is just that I do not want to rely upon that particular source, as I am uncomfortable with it. But it works. I was so bad last night that I woke myself up, crying. But I was not the only one who I disturbed. When I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, Loki was there holding his hand out to me.

 

   
  


 

**_And so I went to his bed…………_ **

****

 


	33. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 33: Suffocation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika finds herself confined to the King's suite to recuperate, but the nightmares continue. Her only comfort is Loki, but he could also be the cure......

Well, Diary. I am not sure if I am happy, sad, grateful or mad at this present time. I feel like I am being treated like a little girl who does not know what is best for me. I feel I have had someone try to take advantage of me because of my perceived naivety. I am really quite fed up.

 

Do you want to know why? Well, I am about to tell you anyway, because I wish to be able to look back and remind myself of this period of my life.

 

First of all: Alexander. Oh Diary, I still love him! I miss him, too. It is now five days since I saw him last, but it is neither his nor my fault. In addition, I still cannot recall everything from that night, but having thought about it, I am quite sure I have had my memory tampered with and I am quite sure I know the culprit.

Alexander was so sweet and romantic and loving and generous on my celebration day. Oh – I  _know_  he was wooing me; I am not _that_  naïve! However, to be fair to the man, I had been giving him signals that I wanted us to be intimate. It is just that my eventual reluctance ignited that jealousy he has harboured for so long about my living in Odin’s suite. He obviously knows or at least suspects that I am close to “Odin” (if only he knew the truth), but Alexander cannot distance that from the suspicion that he uses me for sex, too. He is not the only one; there are several Palace servants that think the same, especially since Odin has not used the services of a courtesan for weeks, now.

 

I really need to see Alexander and talk to him about that night. But that means leaving the suite, which brings me neatly on to my second subject.

 

Loki

 

Oh my goodness, where do I start? He is like a chameleon – well he  _is_  one, of course! Even ignoring his shape-shifting, I am talking about his ever-changing attitude towards me. Consider it for a moment:

 

  * My first encounter with him was horrible and it makes me shudder just thinking about it.
  * He has pressed me into service to keep my mouth shut. Tightened it further by making me live here.
  * He punished me nastily for comforting the courtesan he was nasty to.
  * He has beaten me for insubordination.
  * He is moody, quiet, aloof, and ignorant.
  * He relented and thanked me for caring about him and looking after him when he was ill. But I think he only did this because I shamed him into it.
  * He gave me an over protective lecture about my love bites.
  * He allowed that awful interrogation with the courtesan.
  * He thanks me for being brave enough to ask him questions that infuriate him – but only after losing his temper with me!
  * He gave me time off for my birth celebration and a most precious gift, but then lectured me on staying safe.
  * It is obvious to me it is he who found me and brought me back from the waterfall.
  * Even though he has hardly spoken to me over the days since, he is still there for me at night when I need comfort from my nightmares.



 

The reason why I have not seen Alexander yet? Loki – he has refused to let me leave until I am better.

My memory losses from that night? Loki – and this is the reason I am not getting better!

 

The most frustrating treatment I am getting from Loki yet is this protectiveness! I know, in a way, why he is doing this – but I also find it puzzling because I do not know what I am missing from that night. There are a few things I can surmise because of obvious reasons, but there are others I cannot.

 

One thing I do know for certain is that Alexander and I did not make love. I know from a physical point of view and I know from the parts of our verbal exchange that I can remember. But I do not know how reluctance turned into ripped clothing and scratches on Alexander’s face. I do not know how Alexander took his leave. I do not know how Loki found me and brought me home.

 

All I know is that sleeping beside Loki for comfort is not a healthy situation, but at the moment I need him.

 

 

**_More importantly, I need answers………_ **


	34. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 34: Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Erika fights with Loki and gets her memories back. Feisty little madam, isn't she?  
> Has Loki met his match?

Well, I do believe there is a saying “Be careful what you wish for” in the Midgardian realm. They certainly have a way with them and this is a very wise one. I shall take heed of it in the future.

 

I may as well just out with it, then.

 

I have had an outburst at Loki. I did it at a really bad time of night when I was tired and had just had a terrible dream. We physically fought. It was my fault and he obviously won very easily. I cried a lot about it and he left me locked in the suite for a while to cool off.

 

When he came back, he made me sit down to talk about that night. He said it needed to be discussed, especially as I had screamed at him “I wish you would just tell me!”

 

So, here is what he told me:

 

He is the one who has blocked some of my memories – no surprise there! He said he did it "to protect me".

He says nothing really bad happened to me, but if I knew then things would be spoiled for me – what in Hel does  _that_  mean?!

He has apparently done the same to Alexander. I was  _furious_  about that particular revelation.

 

Once he had told me all this, I had an absolute fit at him for interfering. When I think about how I spoke – well, shouted – I am surprised I am still here to tell the tale, because I was not polite and I certainly over stepped the whole master-servant boundary. I did push him too far. I could see it building up in him, but I was so angry that I carried on anyway. He lost his temper really badly and for the first time in ages he hurt me. I suppose it is my own fault. I do forget just who he really is sometimes, especially since he has been so nice these last few days. It is only bruises on my arms, but it has definitely reminded me of Loki’s true nature.

 

It took a good hour of him out on the balcony and me in my room for us to both calm down enough to speak again. I was the one who apologised first – let me make that very clear! So – on to what happened after we fell out and then kind of made up. I told him to make my memories come back. I said they were not his to steal and they were the reason why I was having nightmares. I even told him I did not like the fact that I had to turn to him for comfort each night.

He did not want to do it, but I got a bit loud and was heading towards another tirade, so he relented. He told me I would not like what I would see, but I just told him to get on with it.

And here is what I saw:

 

Alexander was kissing my neck and was slipping his hand into my gown, but it got a bit too intense for me and I pulled away for about the third time while we were there. He was unhappy with that and he pulled me to him with the front of my gown, which caused the bodice to tear a bit. I slapped him in my surprise and, unfortunately, the decorative rings I was wearing cut his cheekbone where they scratched him and he started to bleed. He picked up my pendant and brandished it in my face and then he accused me of being Odin’s whore and threw it into the pool at the bottom of the waterfall. I tried to rise to go and get it and he grabbed my hair to pull me back, which came undone and the braids started to unravel. It hurt and I yelled out and slapped him again. He grabbed my hands and pushed me backwards onto the blanket and lay upon me, shouting in my face. Asking how little he must mean to me that a pendant was more important. I remember feeling really scared at this point, wondering just how far he would go in his anger. I scrabbled at him, pulling at his coat and I ripped it in my efforts. He eventually sat up and started to cry about how much he loved me and I was just not showing the same feelings towards him. I start to try to kiss him and convince him it is he I love, but then Loki appeared in a flash of light. Oh, he was disguised as Odin, but I knew damn well who it was as he wrenched Alexander away from me. He threw him across the grove and he smashed into a tree. I was crying, shouting at him to stop, yelling that we were trying to sort things out, but he picked Alexander up and marched him off into the trees, out of my sight.

 

I got up and went to the pool and managed to find the pendant trapped around a stone, then I went back to the blanket and wrapped it round me, wondering what was happening and crying so hard. Then I heard someone running through the trees, but I could see no one. After a minute, "Odin" appeared, walked over to me, picked me up and then everything disappeared. He must have teleported us, because the suite suddenly appeared around us. He carried me to my room and put me on my bed. Then everything goes black. The next memory is waking up to find Loki sitting there watching me.

 

So, dear Diary, that was the  _wonderful_  conclusion to my perfect day. My boyfriend got upset that I put the brakes on the petting, blamed it on my imagined sexual relationship with Odin and then got violent. Then, when we might have calmed down and talked it out, Loki showed up as Odin, dragged him off into the trees to do goodness knows what and then “rescued” me. I’m tired now and I am going to see if I can sleep on my own tonight. I will write the rest tomorrow.

 

 

**_Next year, I will be spending my celebration day in my bedroom on my own……….._ **


	35. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 35: Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika finds out the rest of what happened the night Loki took her memories and there is news that is potentially a disaster...........
> 
> theimpossiblewriter.deviantart… and wellsee21 on AO3 had suggestions which are in this chapter. Namely, Odin lectured Alexander (ImpWriter) and Loki came to Erika's rescue (wellsee21)   
> wellsee21 also wanted to know what the stone does.
> 
> Don't forget!!!! Feel free to comment/ask/note anything that you are curious about or think might make for an interesting storyline. More brains = bigger variety of viewpoints and ideas = richer and more interesting tale :) :) :)

At last! I managed a night of uninterrupted sleep. I knew it was Loki’s messing with my memories that had caused all those nightmares. I have actually woken up earlier than usual – it must be because I am quite well rested. So, I’m writing this before I go about getting Loki up.

 

The rest of that very early morning of arguing, fighting and eventual answers passed quickly and Loki had to cancel his court appointments. He stayed in the suite and I sorted out a late cup of tea, bath and breakfast. I sat down to eat as well, without an invite, because I was determined to finish our conversation about stealing memories.

 

Want to know why he turned up at the waterfall?

Want to know how he found us?

 

Well, I think it is fairly obvious that it was through the pendant. I accused him of spying. He got quite upset at that and said the gem does not give him a bird’s eye view of everything I am doing. So I asked him to tell me what it does. It really is what Alexander’s aunt said it could be – an “altseende øyet” or “all-seeing eye” gem. However, Loki says it is his own personal type; he has modified it. He said that he can find the wearer through it, but its main advantage is that it can warn him if the wearer is in danger to a certain extent. So when Alexander threw it in the pool and it was submerged while we argued, it gave the impression to Loki that I was possibly drowning, because he thought I was wearing it. That is why he teleported to where we were and found us.

 

Want to know what he did to Alexander?

 

He took him into the trees where no one would see them and sat him down for a talk. The “talk” was one-sided, of course. Posing as Odin, Loki has told my boyfriend “how it is”. He told him he has to accept I am his maid and assistant, that there is nothing untoward happening between us (apparently he told Alexander a King of Asgard does not need to resort to bedding a chambermaid when he has the pick of the Palace – charming!) and that if he ever catches wind that Alexander has hurt me, violated me or upset me again, he will make his life a misery – if he lets him live. Then he removed the memories of Alexander calling me a whore and told him to take a week off duty and stay away from the Palace to get his mind straight as to whether he wanted to remain my boyfriend!

 

I asked Loki just who he thought he was! I told him I already had one father and that was enough. I told him I was still mad at him, but I also sort of thanked him for being concerned enough to come and see if I was safe. He got up from the table and took the pendant from his pocket. He put it round my neck and asked that I wear it at all times, as he - and I quote - "wants to know his maid will be around to make his tea how he likes it each morning"! I really did not know Loki actually has a sense of humour. Anyway, he had brought all the things back from the waterfall surprise and they were heaped in a corner of the main room in the suite. So I sorted through them to make sure they would go back where they came from.

 

I found a crumpled piece of paper which was tatty and I almost put it in the bin, but it had Alexander’s writing on it. I looked at it, but I could not read it, as the letters were foreign to me. Loki had a look and said it was a cypher, whatever that is and said it was just probably an old set of notes from the lessons he takes as a Palace guard. So, I sorted the rest of the rubbish into the bin – I think Loki threw the paper away, as it was dirty and torn anyway. I am going to see Alexander tomorrow with his things and I am not leaving until we sort out what happened and where we go from here.

 

It is going to get busy around here soon, anyway. Loki went to council this evening for a catch up about the day’s affairs and he came home in one of the foulest moods I have seen him in for a while. I admit I no longer have the patience to put up with the atmosphere this creates, so I said he should just get whatever was making him a miserable sod off his chest or I was going to go to my room and leave him to it.

   
  
  


**_Thor is coming home in three days……………._ **


	36. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 36: A.W.O.L.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, Thor is due back from Midgard. Erika is trying to patch things up with Alexander and Loki? Well, Loki has disappeared.............

Loki is missing. Obviously, I am the only one who knows. Don’t worry, he has done it himself; he just neglected to tell me before he went.

 

I came back from Alexander’s house this afternoon to find – I assumed – Loki sitting at the table waiting for me. I thought I had done something wrong or that he wanted to know how it had gone, but no – it was not him. It was his clone, who had been instructed to tell me not to worry and to carry on as normal. As normal? What – attend to a clone who, upon questioning, does not know where his conjurer is or what he is doing or how long for? He has only been given instruction and memories to do with court business and he has even been told to cry off court if he can for a few days under the pretence of preparing for the return of his son.

 

Which, incidentally I have been left instructions to carry out! I am to air Thor’s rooms; clean them, change linen, and replenish toiletries – even though no one has been in there since he left for Midgard! I will take a look to see if the rooms are suitably clean and tidy, but I am not carrying out unnecessary tasks at the whim of Loki. I am the King’s chambermaid – not some scally to lend out here and there! (hahah!)

 

So, where has my raven-haired prince gone? What is he doing? Will he be back in time for Thor’s arrival? He is so infuriating!

 

Enough of him anyway. I have been to see Alexander today. We were a bit awkward with each other at first, but his mother ushered us out onto the veranda at the back of the house for a bit of privacy and supplied us with some chilled Asgardian Apple juice. I broke the ice by speaking first (funny how I tend to do that a lot when I argue with men older than me!). I asked if we were still friends. I meant to do it in a controlled manner, but I burst into tears and Alexander just moved up the bench towards me and hugged me tight while I babbled on. I apologised. I told him off. I cried and apologised more. He listened to it all without interrupting me, though and he held me while I let off all my steam.

 

After I calmed down, he took my face in his hands, told me he loves me and kissed me. Oh Diary! I cried again and we just hugged for ages. I apologised for Odin’s heavy handedness, but he told me to not be silly and that he understood where he was coming from. He told me I was lucky to have someone that powerful to care for me.

 

I think we will be alright. He is coming back to work next week. We were going to meet up for lunch tomorrow, but now I’m not sure if I can because of Loki’s disappearance. Actually, you know what? To Hel with Loki! Sorting things out with Alexander is more important than hanging around on the off-chance that Mr Moody turns up.

 

Well, I had better see to Thor’s suite. I am quite looking forward to him coming back – I can get to know him a bit better as his father’s assistant and I know he always had a smile for everyone before he left for Midgard after the war. It will make a nice change to having to put up with Loki by myself all the time – hopefully Thor will spend time with “Odin”! I think I will put a welcome hamper in his suite to let him know we are glad to see him back. I’d rather serve him than Loki – less melodrama, I should imagine!

 

**_I will go to see what there is to spoil him with………….._ **


	37. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid. Ch 37: Alterations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is still nowhere to be seen and Erika gets a rude awakening by someone who knows more than she does.  
> Meanwhile, she does a bit of snooping around...........

My goodness, diary! I believe Loki is going to get a really good telling off if and when he deigns to return. I was awoken before dawn this morning by a knocking at the door. Yes, before even I usually arise! It was a group of people who were fully expecting to be admitted to the suite as they had arranged with Odin before he left for “business on Svartalfheimr”. The man in charge was a structural engineer and he was accompanied by a beautiful Jotúun interior designer called Aida and various craftspeople – they are to install a sunken bath in Odin’s bed chamber!

 

Obviously, I do not need to know these things, it would seem. Oh, I am really going to let him have it – he is so inconsiderate and just assumes he can do what he wants. Well, I suppose he can do what he wants, but he should have let me know what he is doing, at least. Anyway I went to my room to get dressed and went out for the day, as I could not do much with them hammering and banging!

 

I visited my parents for lunch. My Mother was baking and so I joined in – it was like old times and I loved it. My Father was at home, which was unusual, but he is ill. Apparently he overdid it moving a block of marble at work and the healers said he needed to rest properly. He is a master sculptor and his workshops fit out all the civic buildings. You can not go anywhere in Asgard without seeing his work somewhere – I am actually very proud of him. But he works too hard and he works long hours sometimes to see a project finished, much to my Mother’s annoyance.

 

Anyway, I have a secret – can you keep it?

 

I did sort out Thor’s suite for his arrival tomorrow. It is very grand, as you can imagine. It is a pale marble suite and all the trimmings, like the curtains and cushions are all in his colours; silver, blue and red. I made sure it was clean and aired it out a bit, then I sorted out a welcome hamper for him, placed tasteful (not girly!) flower arrangements here and there and made sure there was a fresh stock of his favourite toiletries (as advised by the Seneschal) in the bathroom.

 

After I did all that, I came out and turned down the corridor to go back to the kitchens, but guess what caught my eye?

 

Loki’s door, of course! His suite is further along, but as the corridor curves, I almost missed it. I could not resist of course! And, do you know what? The door was not locked. I was quite surprised, because it is a long time since he actually lived there. So, obviously I went in – I mean, it is not as if I do not know him; we are practically room mates, so I did not see the harm in looking where he used to live.

 

It was actually quite sad in there. You have to remember it is a long time since he resided at the Palace as a Prince of Asgard and so his suite was seen as no longer needed. Everything was covered in dust sheets. The bookshelves were empty. The wardrobe door was open, revealing a few empty hangers. The bed was stripped, the bathroom had no towels or toiletries – there was absolutely nothing there to indicate anyone had ever used it. It was such a shame, because it is a beautiful suite. The floors are black marble with streaks of gold and green. The walls are a beautiful pale green – like Aventurine – and there are mouldings of black, green and gold here and there. The bed is a huge frame carved out of the blackest wood I have ever seen, with carved serpents winding up the posts and horses and wolves running free on the panels. It is ever so…… Loki, I suppose. But not, because it is as if the soul of the room has been taken out of it. I found it really, really sad.

 

 

 

 

**_I wonder if Loki has ever been back there since he overtook Asgard …………_ **


	38. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid. Ch 38: Moods + Mysteries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is back. And in a mood. No surprise there! Honestly, Loki, get over your brother - er sorry - adoptive brother, for goodness' sake!

Thor is coming home today! There is a fantastic air of expectation in the Palace and everyone is making extra effort. I am just squeezing in this quick paragraph before I go to help out, then there is going to be a big reception held in the Great Hall. The problem is; Loki is still not back. It looks as if the warriors three, Lady Sif and the Seneschal will be accompanied by his clone when they officially welcome Thor back. I have no idea if he has been programmed properly for that. Gods alone know what is going to happen.

 

Oh, damn! I can hear a noise. Oh Gods, it is Loki. I had better

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Well, Loki’s return this morning did not go well. I told him off and he told me off. He was in a mood and he put me in one, too. We spent about an hour in silence as I went about preparing him some Midgardian tea, ran him a bath in the bathroom (the sunken one is not quite ready, as the various surfaces and glues have to dry), then got him out of his armour and prepared some breakfast while he bathed. I left the suite well before he finished bathing because I did not want to spoil the day by having to look at his sullen face. I left his fresh clothing out for him, and as he keeps reminding me, he is old enough to know how to get dressed.

 

So, I spent all day helping out for Thor’s arrival, then standing in the crowd to watch him arrive from the Bifrost, then attending the big celebration in the Palace. I decided that, if Loki required my presence, then he would have summoned me. He did not send anyone for me and I had a fantastic day. I sneaked out before the feast wound down, because I knew Loki would have to stay in his guise as Thor’s father. I came back here and cleared up the breakfast things, cleaned the bathroom and then I saw the mess the builders had left. Then I saw that I had not put a dust sheet on Loki’s desk.

 

It was a mess anyway with books and papers everywhere, so I got a duster and cleaned it up. There were all kinds of strange books there, including a code breaking one – and guess what was slipped in-between a couple of pages of it? Yes – the piece of paper that had Alexander’s writing on it. It also had Loki’s writing on it, where he had figured out some common words. Why would he be doing this? The trouble is, though – and this really concerns me – one of the words he had written and then put a question mark next to was “poison”. It has worried me and I want to know why, but I don’t know if I want to ask Loki about it. I tidied it away with the others and I just hope he will forget about it.

 

When he came back to the suite, he announced he needed some casual clothes from Odin’s wardrobe and that Thor was coming along for an informal catch up. I felt so happy about it that I had a massive grin on my face as I helped Loki out and then I offered to sort out some refreshments, so he said yes. He also told me to not get so giddy over the fact that his idiot brother was back, which I thought was not very nice – but then, Loki is not very nice a lot of the time. I care not, because I had the privilege of serving Thor tonight and he is the most charming and kind man – and I know I should not say this about one of the Royal family, but he is a very attractive man as well! He is so masculine yet friendly, and those blue eyes of his twinkle and sparkle! Do not misunderstand me; Loki is not ugly by any means, in fact he is a very beautiful man – when he wants to be. His temper and his moods are what spoil him, whereas Thor seems to be, in general, quite an amiable person.

 

I left them to it anyway, because they were still talking late into the night and I was nearly falling asleep on my feet, waiting to see if they needed anything else. Loki told me I could retire and I overheard Thor questioning him as to why I had a room in the suite and not the servant’s quarters. I did not hear the reply because Odin’s voice is low-pitched. I hope Thor will spend a fair amount of time with him, because it will break up having to deal with Loki on my own as much.

 

 

**_I dreamt of jumbled up numbers and letters swimming round and round last night…………._ **

****


	39. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid. Ch 39: A Talk, An Arrival and A Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor is being celebrated by the citizens of Asgard. Loki is in yet another mood and has now done something which he may have cause to regret!

There is something bothering Loki. Apart from all the usual things to do with being Odin, that is. He has been skulking around the place more than usual and a couple of times I am sure he has nearly asked me something and then thought better of it. I am not convinced it is because Thor is home either, because he has gone off to tour round the outlying villages with the Warriors Three and Lady Sif. No, Loki has definitely got something on his mind, I know it. And I am going to do an Erika Special and ask him, because he is acting like he is going to have an outburst very soon. Wish me luck, Diary, as I am about to do something silly once more…..

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I have so much to write because of what happened today and some of it is really bad. I will try to make sense of things, but I do not know if I can put it all on paper. It is making me upset just thinking of it. I will just start and see how far I get, because I am lying here in bed, getting this done before I try to get to sleep. I have just been crying over some awful news and I have had to come to my room because I do not like the fact that I have been comforted by Loki yet again. I mean, I appreciate it, but I do not like it. There's something just not appropriate about it.  
  
  
It took a big effort and a lot of patience and diplomacy, but I cracked him. Trouble is – he cracked me in return. I was not in Odin's suite much today because all servants are readying the palace for a feast when Thor returns in a couple of days from his tour. Loki spent nearly all the day in there or somewhere else secluded, because people were asking after him all the time and could not find him. I made sure when I caught him to tell him to be back for supper and to relax. I really do not think he is happy about all the hub-bub surrounding Thor being here in Asgard. It is definitely jealousy, but what does he expect? Thor is the future of Asgard and he is a perfect Asgardian Prince!

We both ate together and he was quiet in a similar manner to when I first started working for him – that kind of “do not even think of talking to me” quiet. At least, for the moment, he has not returned to the heavy drinking he was doing before he was poisoned. So I waited until he had finished and was sitting back in his chair having a small cup of mead and then I started up the conversation. I only asked him if he had enjoyed the meal and how he was, to which he gave about the shortest answer possible. Then he said “Please, do not, Erika” and left me at the table to go to sit on one of the sofas.

Of course, I decided that I was not going to let it lie and I followed him and sat next to him. Do you know, Diary, I think I was quite brave to persist with Loki and I think I have made him do some thinking. He has a lot of assumptions about people based on his own experiences, which are not necessarily true. I think he assumes things about me which are not entirely fair, so what I said to him may just have put him straight. As I was saying, I think I cracked that hard exterior a bit tonight. We eventually talked so much that I cannot write it all, but I think he realises I am not a bad person and that I have actually grown to kind of care about him despite who he is and what he has done.

 

He has taken someone prisoner. She is not even of Asgard; she is of Midgard. He thinks she is working for a Midgardian organisation called S.H.I.E.L.D., or that she may even be working in liaison with those who tried to poison him. He was obviously angry about it, but I also saw despair, frustration and a host of other emotions on that pale face of his. He is not so difficult to read as he might think. It is almost as if he has realised his dream, but found that the living of it is actually a nightmare.

 

He said he is going to ask Thor to stay for a while to aid him in dealing with the uprisings, as they are getting serious and a couple of the more rebellious realms are showing signs of joining in. I think it is a good idea. Good warcraft is important in keeping the peace, but there is nothing quite like a powerful figurehead like Thor to put it into practise. So I told him I thought it was a good idea. I told him that the civilians were happy to see Thor standing by his father’s side again after such gloomy times of late.

Then he brought up the notes that had been found. My belly dropped when he took it from his pocket. He said he had been in the library a lot today – mostly to get away from the feast celebrations, but also to look up coding. He told me he had managed to decipher it fully after making some mistakes with it the other day. He seemed a bit reluctant to do so, but he handed it to me to read.

 

Diary, it devastated me. I feel foolish. I feel betrayed. I am so hurt that I cannot express it properly. I feel naïve and used and to see those words written in the hand of the man who has told me he loves me just did it. It broke me. I did not even cry noisily. I did not bawl, scream or shout – it was horrible. It was that kind of crying where your whole body joins in and you just crumple up and there is no noise and your nose runs and you have a grimace on your face that is silent and it hurts just so terribly.

And, I suppose, as the only other person in the room, it was only natural that Loki was the one to comfort me.

   
  
  


**_Damnit, why does it work when he does…….?_ **


	40. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 40: Problems and Solutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So - Loki shows her what he has found. Are these two EVER going to admit to each other that they could actually need each other as friends?

I have been put in a really impossible situation. I feel like I am a puppet with more than one master, being pulled in different directions by my strings. On the one hand, I have Alexander, whom I love – or do I anymore? On the other, I have Loki, who is a domineering and controlling man who I have inexplicably grown closer to, despite everything he is.

 

I kept the deciphered note he showed me; I have attached it below:

 

> My Dearest, sweetest Yamina,  
>    
>     Firstly, I need to thank you for your dedication to the culture society’s cause. Without your revelation that Odin’s eyes had turned Jotúun red when he lost his temper, we would not have known how badly things have gone wrong in the Royal household. Unfortunately, our attempt to poison him seems to have failed, as you know. I have checked the source and the poison definitely works. We kidnapped a Jotúun tramp from the dockside and tried it on her. She was dead within twelve hours, so I cannot understand why our attempt failed.  
>    
>     Something definitely happened after our colleague slipped him the Dwarven liquor he had laced with the Greenbell extract. I know this because that maid I am trying to seduce acted strangely for quite some time and hardly left the suite for a week. Yet, Odin still attended court – something we do not understand. I am working on her, but she is proving a tough nut to crack – I need to turn up the Royal Guard charm, I think!  
>    
>             It is my intention to use her trust and naivety to eventually get information out of her, because I am convinced there is an impostor on the throne and I am sure she is involved. I think it can only be one person who is doing it. Is there no way you or one of the other courtesans on our side can use your feminine wiles to get into his bed? As much as I enjoy you in mine, sweetest flower, it is Odin’s bed you need to try to get into.  
>    
>    
>                         Ever yours, my sweetest Asgardian delight!  
>  
> 
> #                                                                   Alexander
> 
>                                                                                                                                                                                          x           

 

I have re-read it and I cannot believe I have fallen for someone like him. I truly am naïve and far too trusting. I am not entirely happy that Loki let me see it, but I also am because I now know where I stand.

 

We talked a little while he took breakfast. He actually asked me if I had managed to get to sleep. I do not know if he genuinely cares, or was just curious, but I took it as a nice question. Then I asked him about the Midgardian. He was a bit reluctant to talk about her at first, but he said he needed to see her because her reaction to him had disturbed him. He said Midgardians are so small and quite pathetic and that he had frightened her. But he needs answers as to why he found her – of all places – on Svartalfheimr.

I said I did not think she had anything to do with the poisoning. Which brought him on to that subject, and he had a lot to say on the matter. He said it is vital that he finds out exactly what was at the root of the plot. I went from feeling puzzled as to what he was telling me, to angry, to scared in the space of just five minutes of him talking to me. What he said has left me reeling, but deep down inside, a bitter part of me really, really wants to do what he has asked of me. I want to do anything I can to bring the bastard down who has hurt me so much.

   
  


**_He wants me to infiltrate ACPoS by getting closer to Alexander………_ **


	41. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 41: Upon The Subject Of Bathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something for regular readers today - anyone recognise the chapter title?  
> A nice pleasant interlude before things get serious...............

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the Diaries really start to link up my post-Thor Dark World Loki tales.
> 
> If you are interested - and have the time for a decent reading session - then these are the ones that are involved:
> 
> I Am Loki! (How I think he took the throne)  
> To Tame A God (The Midgardian's story is in this)  
> States Of A God's Heart (This is getting quite involved now, but is before "Another Time")  
> Another Time, Another Place (Aida's story is in this)  
> What Have I done? (follows on from Another Time, Another Place)
> 
> I hope you enjoy my efforts - Kudos is always appreciated and feel free to comment. I read every single one!

Today was so bizarre I have got to record it here.

 

You really need to concentrate, because I am about to write something that you might not believe. You know how that sunken bath has been installed? Well, the builder came to check it and announced it can be used now, but he had to tell me as Loki was not there. So I decided to surprise him with it when he got back from his day doing all his Kingly things. Thor is back tomorrow and all the preparation has been done, so court was back on this morning and then he had more to do with the new warrior corps and he also keeps going to visit that Midgardian he has got in Odin’s dungeon. Apparently, she is unconscious. He will not tell me why; only that he had to heal some injuries she sustained.

 

So, back to the bath. You can not miss it – it is huge – room for a few people, but it can be screened off. It is amazing, though – the taps are huge too and are directly linked to the hot and cold springs, so the tub fills fairly quickly. I poured in lots and lots of his favourite soap (the scent of which still gives me a dread feeling) which created big foamy peaks of bubbles. Then I pulled the screens across. It was just in time as well, because he returned earlier than I expected.

 

Can you imagine his face when I went running up to him and dragged him over to his wardrobe – which is on the  opposite side of his room – and told him to let me help him remove his armour? He was tired and looked down at me with a kind of puzzled “what are you doing now?” type of face. It was hilarious! I just chatted on about nothing in particular while I got all his armour and outer wear off him, then I handed him his robe and told him to change into it as I had something nice planned for him. He got a look on his face then which was completely inappropriate, so I told him off and reminded him where the courtesan’s wing was if he desired that kind of thing!

 

I went back over to the screen and he came over a few minutes later. I pulled back the screens and said “Ta-dah!” and swept my arm round with a flourish – I had to make it look amazing!

 

He looked at the bath – and the nice fluffy green and black towels I had folded up and arranged in a neat pile, along with a platter of bread and cheeses, a bowl of fruit and a small carafe of (watered) wine. Then he looked back at me, where I was standing with a big grin and a look of expectation on my face. Then he looked back at the bath.

 

And……..

 

**_smiled!_ **

 

Then I had to make an incredibly fast exit, as he slipped his robe off right in front of me to get in the bath! How embarrassing!

 

I heard him laugh and say thank you as I closed the door to his room. I told Huginn and Muninn that I thought it had been a success as I passed them to go to my room. I do not know why Loki keeps them so close, but I suppose they are Odin’s and it would look strange if he got rid of them. Why he needs to chain them to their pedestals I do not know. He says it is to stop them escaping and tattling about his existence to someone, but I think it is a bit cruel.

 

I went back about an hour later, only to find Loki still in the bath. I apologised, but he told me to go in because he wanted to talk to me. He looked really relaxed in there with bubbles right up to his chin and I asked him if he liked it. The answer was yes, which made me feel really pleased. Then he asked me to join him, which made my belly drop and my mouth go dry.

 

Bathing with Loki is something I intend to never experience again in my life and I froze and could not answer him. He must have suddenly remembered how we first met and he said sorry, so I tried to shrug it off, but I refused politely.

 

He asked me if I had considered his request about ACPoS, so I told him what I had decided. I am scared of doing it, but I want Alexander to pay for what he has done. He said I only need to be interested in the political conversation the next time Alexander takes me out with his friends and make it look increasingly as if I hate working for Odin.

 

I could not help it, Dairy; I laughed a little at that. I do not think Loki found it funny when I said that sometimes I do!

 

 

 

**_He needs to get a sense of humour………….._ **


	42. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 42: Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feasting in celebration of a hated sibling, a potential spy held in the dungeon and a precarious plan for his maid to infiltrate the rebellious group her lying, cheating boyfriend belongs to. All this stress can cause even the strongest of relationship to start to develop cracks.............
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster? Loki x Reader.

Oh, Diary – what a day! How to relate it all to you? I think I will have to go for chronological order so I do not miss anything, so firstly – that bath has to have been one of Loki’s better ideas.

 

When I finally managed to wake him this morning, which consisted of the usual pulling back of the drapes around his bed, putting his cup of tea on his bedside table and saying “Highness, it is time to awaken.” – which did not work this morning – followed by “Highness? It is time to rise.” To which I got nothing, except a sleepy sigh and Loki turning over to hug a pillow. What does one do in that situation? Imagine. You are a seventeen year old chambermaid to an impostor King who sleeps in his birthday suit and he has just turned away from your polite attempts to wake him, dragging the sheets and revealing virtually the whole of the back of his body to you! Have I told you about his scars? I have probably not, because I do not really think writing about his body is uppermost in my mind. But they were right there this morning, with his hair straggling down across his shoulders (it needs a cut again - I will have to tell him) and they are really quite nasty. I asked him once how he got them. There are seven major scars mixed in with a lot of spidery-looking smaller ones. His tales were so sad, Diary and they made me cry. I may tell you about them one day.

Mind you, it is not like his nakedness would bother him that much. Loki has, on more than one occasion, wandered around in front of me with not a single stitch on and he could not care less. In the end, I roughly dragged the sheets back up over him, which woke him up. I told him to have a bit more decency about him and told him his cup of tea was waiting for him on his table.

I got his really nice dress armour out for him to wear, since it was the day of celebrations and feasting for Thor and they were going to announce his intention to stay for a while. While I was helping him on with it, he actually thanked me for the nice surprise of the bath and said he had been so relaxed that he had slept really well. So all-in-all that bath is a fantastic addition to the suite and I am sure Loki will spend a lot of time enjoying it. Just as long as he does not expect me to ever join him.

 

Right. What next? Oh yes. He was really concerned about the Midgardian, so he went to visit her again. Thankfully she had finally regained consciousness. It turns out she is from a place called Britain on Midgard. Loki says he has heard of it before – apparently someone he knows really well is staying there at the moment, but he would not say who. It seems the mortal got very angry about her captivity and ended up crying when he asked her some personal questions. I suggested he leave her be for a while to cool down. Someone else could go in to check on her and report back. He still suspects she is some kind of spy, though.

 

Now I must tell you of the festivities. What can I say? It was fantastic! It was so uplifting to see Odin and Thor side by side for everyone and hope for a peaceful end to the uprisings was evident in the hearts and minds of those attending. There was a truly optimistic air and I nearly fell for it myself, but there was a point in the proceedings when Loki (Odin) looked over at me and winked. His voice was in my head next “Not bad, eh, Erika?” it said! I did not like that at all. I now doubt whether he does respect my privacy. I now wonder if he looks in my head, despite my asking him not to.

 

Apart from that moment, I enjoyed the day quite a lot. Thor stayed late with Lady Sif and the Warriors Three, along with a lot of their friends who were thrilled to have Thor back amongst them. Loki begged their leave and nodded to me, so we left. It was on the way back to the suite that something horrible happened.

Loki (still in his guise as Odin, of course) had just made a funny comment about one of the entertainers who had been on at the feast and we were both laughing. A company of guards was approaching us to go to relieve the ones already on duty and, as is natural, we looked over and nodded. Alexander was amongst them. My belly dropped terribly. Then Loki’s voice was in my head again. “Smile!” Which I did and Alexander smiled back at me. But – Diary. It was awful.

 

When we got back to the suite, Loki and I had words. I told him I did not think I could face doing what he had asked of me; that it scared me. He stressed the importance of it and I asked why he could not just arrest Alexander and Yamina on the evidence of the note. He said he wants the un-named accomplice as well as more information on the culture society. I asked him why he could not just read their minds and then I told him I needed to think about it some more, but he got angry and said I, of all people, should understand why all this was necessary.

 

Diary, he scared me. And he knew it.   
  
Diary, Loki began to turn Jotúun as his voice got louder. And it was not just his eyes this time.

 

 

**_His skin began to turn blue, too………._ **


	43. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 43: The Other Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika takes a tentative and scary step along the path of entrapment.  
> Meanwhile, the God she is doing it for gets personal with his prisoner.  
> Erika reacts badly.   
> Loki turns............
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster? Loki x Reader

Good evening, Diary. I have a day off today and I am so glad. I really need to be away from Loki. He exhausts me. Emotionally, I mean. The physical work is not that hard to carry out – if I were merely a chambermaid and he treated me as such, then this job would be a piece of cake. But it is not like that, is it? I cannot believe that my life has changed so much in the last few months. I have gone from one of the lowliest servants in the Palace to being involved in the games that are played out over a throne. I am an accomplice to outright treason, mutiny, or whatever you wish to call it and I have only the man I am committing these crimes for to turn to. It is an awful situation, but I see no way out of it.

 

On to my day. I am currently writing this in the library; I came here for a break before supper. Loki has been disguising himself as a servant to take the Midgardian her meals for the last couple of days so he can spy on her. I do not know why – there is no way she can contact the outside world from that cell. No, I think there is more to it. He has been pre-occupied with thought since she broke down in front of him that day and I think she has struck a chord in him and now he wants to know why. This morning I suggested to him that he should just have it out with her; after all I get on better with him after we have argued and got things off our chests. He said she is too small and delicate and that he would have to think about it. Only twenty minutes ago, he disguised himself to take her evening meal to her and is going to assess the situation.

 

And my day today? I spent it with Alexander. We had lunch at his parents’ house and spent the afternoon with his friends, who obviously don’t know anything about our fight. I should get a prize for my acting. I was nearly sick with worry this morning before I left to meet with him. Loki knew it and kept watching me while I went about my chores to get them done before leaving for the day. I was clearing the breakfast dishes into a basket to take to the kitchens and he actually came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and kissed my head. To be honest, Diary, at one point in my life I would have been thrilled to have been treated like that by Loki, but no longer. Now, because of the man he has become, it is just too personal for my liking. I know we have had closer contact than that, but it was in circumstances where one or the other of us was in dire need. He told me not to worry about things, but that is easy for him to say. He is not the one who is going to try to act normal and even to be affectionate towards an absolute beast of a man, is he? I just shrugged away from him and told him I would be fine.

 

While I am on the subject, Loki never apologised for scaring me with his transformation yesterday. For more-or-less forcing me into doing what he wants. He is just lucky that I want answers and – yes, I admit it – revenge. Otherwise I would have had to refuse, or he would have to do something bad to force me into it. I just hope I am convincing enough towards Alexander, because I am having difficulty persuading myself to go through with it.

 

Ah – hang on Diary – I have just seen him storming past the window. I had better go to see what is wrong.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Loki is a fool! Yes I have written a treasonous thought – so string me up. What has happened between that Midgardian girl and Loki to make him do such stupid and spontaneous things? She must be a truly amazing mortal to penetrate his shell and cause him to put on such emotional displays.

 

When I saw him walk past the library in a mood before, I followed him back to the suite and found him on the balcony just staring up at the stars. I played it safe, using the excuse that I had just popped back to see if he would be taking supper in his rooms or seeking out Thor’s company.

Diary – he read my mind. And I did not feel anything; there was no strange feeling, no sensation or anything – he just did it! He said to me “Yes, Erika, the mortal is affecting me in ways I do not understand. There is just something about her I cannot explain.” I am now really concerned that he probably knows I write you. There is not really much point in hiding you really well if he knows of your existence, but I have to in case he does not!

He tried to explain what he meant. And he tried – in vain – at length. I do not know why he thought he could pour his heart out to his maid, but for some reason once he had started, he did not seem to want to stop until he had finished. He told me how he had found her on Svartalfheimr whilst clearing up the messes he left there when he substituted a Dark Elf for his own body and then again when he arranged Odin’s disappearance. She had shocked him and he had immediately jumped to the conclusion that she was spying on him. It was only literally a short while ago while he was in her cell that he had read her mind and found her to be innocent.

 

So, what has he done that is so foolish? Well, the disguise as the servant failed when she tried to escape and, after he read her mind and saw things about her life that were really quite tragic, as well as realising she did not know anything about his past, he revealed to her his true Jotúun form. Why, I still do not really know. Even I have never seen it. I have only seen it start to appear and then it has been in anger. So I asked him if that had been the case with her ad he said no. Apparently, he also let her examine his skin and his Jotúun markings, too. And she told him he is beautiful! You must know what I asked him next and I can tell you; he was not happy.

 

I asked him if he had hypnotised her to make her think him beautiful in that form, because he had only ever hinted at that form towards me and only then to intimidate and scare me.

 

It did not go down well. At all. He turned on me and right before my eyes he changed. For the first time I witnessed Loki’s true form in all its full glory. We Asgardians are supposedly large, especially when compared to some other races, but Loki is a God amongst us and half-Jotúun at that. His true form is incredible. As a Jotúun, his eight foot stance seems taller and his physique is different, too. He goes from athletically trim to a heavier, coarser build; not as rugged or as big as a pure Frost Giant, but somewhere in-between. And when he does it in anger, he really is scary and yes – he makes you believe he is a monster.

 

But do you know what, Diary? I am sick of him trying to scare me; I am fed up of him shooting me down when I ask him the hard questions or confront him with truths he needs to hear. So I stood up to him. Oh – I was scared. I was trembling with fear and I was probably crying – I can’t remember properly, but I told him to invade my mind again. I told him to look at himself through my eyes and to decide if I deserved to see this form in this way. I asked him why he had never let me see the Jotúun in the same way as the mortal just had.

 

**_I asked him why he felt I had to see the monster…………….._ **


	44. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 44: Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika runs to Alexander.  
> Loki stays away overnight.
> 
> Then Loki pushes Erika away. But, in giving her the rooms she ends up in, has he actually gained more control?
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster? Loki x Reader

I have had it, Diary. This is a record of the life of a seventeen year-old. Granted, I started it because I found Loki, but I should be writing nice things, too! Things about growing up, discovering who I am, meeting people, doing nice things, but I feel I have done nothing but complain for the last few days. It is because things appear to be going from bad to worse. I have descended into deceit and trickery of a potentially dangerous man and I have also been thrown out of the King's suite, although that is not a completely bad thing, I suppose.

 

After he blew up at me and tried to intimidate me with his Jotúun form, I ran from the suite. It upset me, Diary! After all I have done for him and considering what I am about to do, why do I get the nasty Frost Giant and yet he has allowed a stranger from another realm to appreciate his gentler Jotúun side? So I left. I did not wait around to see if he followed and I ended up wandering around the gardens. It was going dark by then, but I did not care. The only thing I sort of bothered about was that I had not served Loki any supper, but I did not go back. I was hurting!

Instead, I went to the barracks and into the officer’s mess. And I did it, Diary – I went over to Alexander and asked if I could talk to him. He saw my tears and picked up his supper, then led me out to the yard, where we sat down and I poured out all my feelings of unfairness to him. I told him how I hate the way Odin is nice one minute and horrible the next. How he is unpredictable, moody and ungrateful. Oh – Loki really did me a favour with his behaviour; convincing Alexander that my King is utterly hateful behind the scenes was a piece of cake because, right at that moment, it was how I truly felt.

 

Alexander told me how unacceptable my working conditions are, but I said there is nothing that can be done. He said he would do his best to help me and that it would not last forever. He told me that there are people that are not happy – even with Thor’s return. They want to see Odin relinquish power and Thor take the throne. He hugged me, which I almost pushed away, but then I remembered that he does not know that I am aware of the note that Loki deciphered, so I leaned in to him. I accepted his kiss, but I used my distress to break it and go back to a simple embrace. It felt so wrong! I felt so fake once my initial fear and anger at Loki started to wear off. I spent another half hour with him and he shared his supper with me. It was getting quite late by then and he had to go back on night duty, so I said I was feeling better and that I had better get back.

 

I dreaded it, but I went anyway – where else could I go, really? Loki was not there anyway and all the rooms were in darkness. I quickly lit a lamp and tidied around, then I came to my room where I waited up for a bit, but eventually I fell asleep. When I awoke this morning, I discovered Loki had not been back – the bed was still made from the day before. He turned up shortly after I had got dressed. He told me he was attending court this morning and that while he did so, he expected me to move my things out of my room. He wants a bit of space and he feels we need to take steps to restore some of the formality a working relationship like ours requires. He has given me his old suite! He says because it is only down the corridor and it has been empty since he fell from grace that the proximity is good for me to continue with my duties and it may as well be in use. He says it is necessary for me to have some private space so I can entertain Alexander more personally without having anyone in the way, too. That part I am not so sure about.

 

Then he said he would be busy doing other things this afternoon, but that he would expect me to have completely finished moving out by this evening. He was so cold while he was saying all this. His attitude stopped me asking what I really wanted to know. Where had he slept last night? But, no matter – I just did as I was told.

 

And so – I am writing this by the light of a candle and the Asgardian stars shining in through the balcony doors. I am sitting in the middle of Loki’s old massive black bed in that marvellous black and green marble suite.

 

A mere chambermaid.

 

With her own royal suite.

 

 

**_And I just realised – I have the pendant to match……….._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is what I have decided will happen to Loki's rooms in the short term, Wellsee21 :D


	45. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 45: Princess of Asgard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Loki entertains the Midgardian in the King's suite, Erika decides to spoil herself in his old one.....
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster? Loki x Reader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few fellow Deviants and readers from this site have asked various questions, some of which will be addressed over the next few chapters.
> 
> 1\. "Loki's old rooms and what happened to them" - we will see these as settings for a while.  
> 2\. "Erika and Loki; are they in love but don't know it?" - I will continue to tease you mercilessly with the unrealised and platonic nature of their relationship, whilst slipping in the odd comment that makes you think "Just jump each other's bones, already!"  
> 3\. "Who are the poisoners and what happens to them?" - Erika will be getting in deep with this very soon.
> 
> If you have anything you would like to ask, to see happen or even a strange request like getting your name mentioned in a chapter - feel free!!! It makes it all the more fun to write and all the more interesting to read :D

Oh my goodness, waking up this morning was so strange! First of all, I found myself sprawled out in a strange position in this massive bed, then I wondered where I was for a few seconds, then I realised and curled up round a huge soft pillow. It was so luxurious that I did not want to get up! If I had been a Prince of Asgard, I would have spent a lot of time in there. Oh, wait – he probably did! Hahah – I have just blushed writing that (naughty me).

I suppose I need to go to see if Loki is actually in the King’s suite, because I still have to carry out my duties for him. I shall write later.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, Diary! I really, really need some sleep. Today was a really eventful day after I managed to drag myself out of this wonderful bed. I love it! It is so comfortable and the shape and the drapes make it really cosy and enveloping – it is like an ebony and golden hug. And when I snuggle into the pillows, it is just so warm and soft and lovely. So different to the ordinary furniture I have been used to. Anyway, enough about my new sleeping arrangements – on to my day. I am going to have to write quickly, because there was just so much and I am starting to get sleepy.

 

I got up (eventually) and washed and dressed, then I went to the King’s suite to get Loki up, but he was not there. I decided to prepare breakfast in case and he turned up while I was doing it. He looked so tired – it turns out he had been watching over the Midgardian last night as she had had a troubled sleep. Seems he is good for something, at least. He had a quick shower and breakfast and I helped him on with his armour. While I was making sure it was polished and presentable, he told me to take lunch to the Midgardian at noon – she was now in a guestroom – and give her an hour to eat, during which time he wanted me to run the sunken bath for him and provide lunch and wine there, as he would be coming back from a heavily scheduled morning of politics, war preparation and court. I asked him if he needed me to attend, but he scoffed at me and said he rather thought he had control of himself once more and did not risk revealing his true form.

That hurt, actually. He is definitely drifting back into his distant behaviour. I think it is because of Thor, the threat of war and this Midgardian. Well, she is welcome to him. Talking of which, he then said he wanted me to bring her to him to discuss her future once she had finished her lunch. Then he said I could have the afternoon off, so that was a pleasant surprise.

So this afternoon, I finally met this mortal who has piqued Loki’s interest. She is of a small race. I am not very big for an Asgardian, although I suppose I am still growing – but I was easily a foot taller and she is not very solidly built at all. Loki was right when he described her as delicate. She is beautiful, though – she has gloriously long hair and beautiful clear eyes, which were wide with wonder as I brought her through the Palace. She was bit scared when we got to the suite, but I gave her a smile for reassurance. I wanted to tell her that Loki is a pussycat if you know how to treat him, but I did not think it was appropriate.

 

Then I had a mixed afternoon. I am starting to nod off, so I will write quickly!

 

I went to see my parents. Father is still off work with a breathing disorder and he is under treatment from the healers. Mother looks drained. I am thinking of asking to move back temporarily to help out.

I visited Alexander and we went to his friend’s house. They are Jacob and his wife, Visna, and they are expecting their first baby. Alexander and Jacob ended up talking politics, while I helped Visna to embroider a blanket for the baby’s cradle. I overheard Alexander talking to Jacob about Odin’s maltreatment of me. So it begins…..

 

When I came back, one of the guards at the door to the King’s suite turned me away, saying Odin had left a message to say I was not needed tonight. I was glad, actually, so I came back here and spoiled myself. A nice hot bath and some nice food and mead and it was all for myself! And now, I am here, cuddled up with fluffy pillows and silken sheets and I am exhausted, so I now say goodnight.

 

 

**_Now to experience the sleep of a Princess of Asgard…………_ **


	46. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 46: Disharmony

I wish I had never heard of Midgard. I wish there were no other realms and holes in the space between them. And for the umpteenth time in my life, I wish Helena’s rota had not been passed on to me that day I found Loki.

 

The presence of the mortal here in Asgard has caused Loki to turn into – if it were possible – an even less predictable man than ever. He is happy, then angry; he paces, he sits daydreaming. Most of all, he will not leave me alone!

 

The day after I took the Midgardian to the King’s suite, he actually came to my rooms and woke me up! With a warm drink and a plate of sweet pastries. I could not believe it and I did not really know what to say, other than to thank him. He told me to take breakfast to the Midgardian, along with some fresh clothes he had been to get for her, but to not wake her up. And I had to lock her in as well – he said for her own protection. Then he wanted me to attend him in court. So much for not needing me! And, do you know what, Diary? He did not leave me in privacy to get ready. He wandered around the suite as if getting reacquainted with it and I even ended up shutting the bathroom door and yelling at him at one point. He just has no sense of decency!

 

The rest of that morning passed fairly quickly, then he went to take lunch with the girl, so I came back here to put a few trinkets on the fireplace and a few books on the shelves – to make it feel more like home. Within half an hour, he came slamming in through the main door of the suite without so much as a by-your-leave and threw himself down into one of the armchairs! I was completely speechless. I did not know what to say – was it something I had done? Thankfully, it was not, but he soon let me know what had caused him to be this way. The mortal. They had clashed apparently. Then he went on to talk about how there was something about her that he could not quite define and how he felt drawn to her, even though he knew he should not allow it. How he knew it would lead to no good if he did. He was getting really quite distraught over it; even quite angry. I know they have made love – I am not stupid. It was why I was turned away from the suite, but Loki has known a lot of women; why is she so special?

 

In the end, he went and flopped on my bed for a nap! He asked me to leave him for a couple of hours, then bring enough supper back here for three. I thought he was going to bring her here and I was not very happy at the notion, but I was wrong in the end. I woke him up after a while as he had asked me to and he walked over to the supper tray I had brought. He took enough for us, then he poured some of the green mint tea I had brought into a tall glass. Diary – he iced it! I have never seen magic used like that before; it was amazing! Then he waved his hand over it and tiny golden sparkles appeared in it.

 

He asked me to take it to her, which I did. She told me she was not hungry, but I told her she should really eat and I left it for her anyway. Then I returned to my room and Loki and I ate together in silence. I wanted to ask why he did not sup with her, but he was giving off waves of moodiness, so I decided not to. When he finished, he excused himself and left, but he was back within a short time.

 

And this is the most infuriating part, Diary. I know I am his servant. I know the royal suites are masked magically from view, so he can be himself. I know I am to do his bidding. But this is supposed to be my suite, my room, my bed – my sanctuary.  _My space. My bed_.

 

 

 

 

**_So why did I have to share it with him last night?............_ **


	47. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 47: Designs and Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preparing supper for the two love-birds, meeting cheating boyfriends and thinking about Jotúun Elves. The games are afoot......
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster?

It appears my services as a maid are to be extended to the King’s consort for the meanwhile. Loki comes and snores in my bed while I lie there awake because he has fallen out with her, then he feels all pitying towards her and tells me to wait upon her!!

 

He is just in a mood because the Bi Frost is out of action. The war with Malekith a while ago left splits between the realms – I think that’s how the mortal arrived – and there are people called “scientists” on Midgard who have almost managed to mend them. The Bi Frost has been messing up their progress, so they have asked for it to be deactivated for a short while. So, Thor is now stuck here and cannot visit other realms, which has made Loki sulk because Thor wants to spend more time with him now, to talk about royal and political things.

 

So I took breakfast in to the King’s suite and left it there. I did not wake the mortal, as Loki had instructed. He had a really bad day in store for him today. Lots of petitions from the common people for one and the organisation of the passing out of the King's Company at long last. That should be quite exciting as they have had new uniforms and armour designed specially for them and we are having a banquet in their honour afterwards. In fact, there is an interior designer who has been appointed to the Palace and, aside from being available to do up the actual Palace décor, she sorts out the public and private celebrations. I have only seen her once when she came to oversee the installation of the sunken bath in the King’s suite. She is incredibly unusual and very beautiful. She is an exotic race – half Elven and half Jotúun.  _So_  gorgeous – tall, graceful and, of course, blue with red eyes. I think I might ask her to come and tweak Loki’s old suite to make it more to my taste.

 

I think Loki may have cooled off about whatever it was he fell out with the Midgardian about, because he has asked me to prepare supper for two in his suite in time for him finishing court duties this evening. Then I am off duty so I am going round to see Alexander and we are meeting up with friends at a local tavern. I have a feeling he may just be thinking about introducing me to some more of those who are involved in ACPoS and I have decided I really need to increase the amount of moaning I do about my position. I think if I do this, then they could possibly decide to invite me along to one of their meetings. I am scared, but I need to get it done. I do not want to spend too much longer as Alexander’s girlfriend. He has definitely put the night of my birth celebration behind us and is becoming more intimate again. I just want Loki to take him away from me and the only way to achieve that is to expose everyone involved in the poisoning.

 

Well, I think I had better go to prepare some supper for Loki and his room guest. He will have had a very busy day today, so I think I will make up a few of his favourites to treat him.

 

 

 

**_I hope he gets on better with the Midgardian tonight……….._ **


	48. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 48: Art and Angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things have gone terribly wrong between Loki and his guest from Midgard and Erika discovers a really old stash of paintings - from another realm, it seems.
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster? Loki x Reader.

There has been an awful occurrence, Diary. The Midgardian has been dreadfully ill in the healing rooms for nearly a week. It has been a testing time this last few days – I thought Loki was going to end up revealing his presence at one point and take over her healing with his magic, he was so anxious.

 

The night I took the supper to the suite, he stayed there, then he stayed there the following day, too, so I assumed everything was aright between them again and that they were “making up”. In fact, I ended up spending the day in my own suite moving things around and I brought flowers in to brighten it up. It is a bit strange – I seem to be automatically adopting Loki’s taste in colours since I moved into his old rooms. My bed linen is black and green and I realised that the flowers I had brought in were yellows and golds with lots of green foliage!

 

The other day, I found some beautiful paintings in one of the linen stores in the Palace basement. It looked like they had been there for many years, as they were covered with very old dusty sheets. Anyway, I took two of them which are a matching pair of the same strange building. It is built of very tiny rectangular stones and has slanted rooves. There is a tall tower at one end with a large clock face on each wall. The tower is topped with spires and the whole building is golden and stands on the bank of a river. The paintings are the same building at different times of the day; one at sunrise and one at sunset and they are beautiful. The way the light has been captured by the artist is magical and I do spend a lot of time looking at them, wondering where the building is. They are framed in huge carved frames that have been gilded and there are strange letters on, which I cannot read and the number 1845. I am not sure what that means, though. They are now hanging either side of my fire and look gorgeous.

 

I went back to the suite eventually, but neither Loki nor the mortal was there. The room was in a mess and smelled horrible for some reason, so I aired it out and tidied up, of course. I waited around, but no one came, so I left. I woke up fresh as a daisy the next day and had a lovely shower – I still cannot get used to all this luxury for just one person – then I came out to get dressed. Luckily, I had a robe on, because Loki was sat on the sofa! I cannot believe he thinks nothing of just invading my privacy like that.

 

Anyway, I suppose it was irrelevant how I felt about him being there, because he was crying. And when he saw me, he did not stop; he held his hand out to me. Strange as it may seem, I ended up comforting him. A seventeen year old telling a thousand year old God that everything would be alright.

 

He had nearly killed the Midgardian. And he did not remember doing it. He was as scared as I have ever seen him – except for maybe the time when he was so ill having been poisoned. He was exhausted because he had spent as much time as he could in the healing rooms. I told him to go to lie on my bed for some rest while I went to sit with her. I went and stayed with her for quite a few hours. She looked terrible. So pale. The Soul Forge Master was incredibly stressed, as he had virtually no experience of Midgardian physiology.

 

When I went back, Loki was so deeply asleep that I could not disturb him, so I went to my old room in his suite and slept there. I got up early the following day and woke him with a small breakfast. He looked awful. He needed a shave for a start, so I suggested he just used his magic. We were in a royal suite, so no one should see. He said he was thinking of using his magic to heal her, but I told him he could not. Heimdallr would more than likely detect it.

 

He said he was going to give her one more day to come round and then he was going to take action. My heart sank when he said that – if he gets discovered, all Hel will break loose!

 

 

 

**_I was in the very same position over him only a couple of months ago……….._ **


	49. Diaries Of Lokis Chambermaid 49: Discovery + Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki suffers a devastating loss and is discovered by someone who could upset all his plans.
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster? Loki x Reader

Dearest Diary, today was an incredibly sad day and I do not know how Loki is going to come back from this.

 

I have to write it all down, because it is important, but it means this will be a long entry. Brace yourself.

 

The Midgardian mortal regained consciousness before Loki decided to use magic, so I was relieved! She was really badly injured – burns to her back that had gone incredibly deep. If she had been in her own realm, she would have died. Loki swears he can not remember properly how it happened; only that he was somehow responsible. He got annoyed because Thor had flowers delivered to her bedside! Such jealousy – I do not believe I have seen the like. So, he had me dress the King’s suite with flowers in his colours – his words were “I want lots, but make them tasteful.” I just asked Aida to help me. She is so nice and she seemed to know exactly what was required. I felt like a right clump next to her – the way she walks is so graceful and she is so beautiful.

 

I made up a lunch for two and left the suite to go to my own. I had the rest of the day off, as well as the whole of the following day, so I had planned on staying at my parent’s house. I heard Loki (disguised as Odin, of course) and the mortal passing my suite on their way back to the King’s suite and they sounded reasonably happy, so that made me feel a bit better about them.

 

About an hour later, I was ready and I took my bags out to the corridor. Thor was passing and greeted me. He is so handsome! The mortal, Jane, is a very lucky lady indeed to have captured the heart of an Asgardian God such as him. It was only as I picked up my bags that I realised he had been heading for the Kings’ suite. I dropped my bags and hurried after him, but that is when I heard a massive crash. I ran and when I got there, the guards had gone inside the suite, but they could not open the door to the bedroom, which was blocked. There was shouting and crashing and banging going on behind it and the sound of thunder. Huginn and Muninn were flapping about and cawing on their pedestals in the antechamber and the guards were hammering on the doors. It was  _horrible!_

 

Then it went quiet, which was possibly the scariest part. Then Odin opened the door and what a terrible sight greeted us. Odin made the guards arrest Thor for trying to kill him, even though he was clearly injured badly himself. But the first thing I saw was the Midgardian. Diary – she was  _dead_! Dead. And lying in a huge pool of blood. Her body was crushed and she was dead. Then I saw Loki’s helmet near the bed. Fortunately, the guards were concentrating on Thor and had not seen it. I went over and moved it away with my foot. The guards took Thor away and Loki locked the doors behind them. He looked half dead to me and I wondered what had happened, but when I went over to Loki, he seemed oblivious to me. That poor,  _poor_  girl. I know she had been affecting Loki fundamentally and the way he was looking at her made it clear that this was an enormous and devastating loss to him.

 

He eventually seemed to remember where he was and noticed me. He asked me to help him sort things out, so I ended up cleaning the suite while he took her to the morgue. Oh diary, it was one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever had to do. I hope I never have to experience anything like that again. I cleaned up every last drop of that poor mortal’s lifeblood from that room and I cried every minute it took me.

 

I have hidden his helmet in his wardrobe. It is really big. No wonder he looks so powerful when he wears it – the horns are huge and the whole thing is really heavy. I moved a big ornamental vase in front of Mjolnir. I did not even try to move her – I would not have a chance, would I? Then I realised that Loki would be exhausted and upset when he returned from the morgue, so I ran the sunken bath and I warmed up some spiced mead for him to relax with.

 

When he came back, he looked absolutely terrible, so I got him organised and made him get in the bath while I went to the kitchens and got some supper for him. I could not talk to him when I took it to him. I wanted to, I really did, but he looked just so miserable that I felt it best to leave him alone. If he wanted to talk, I am sure he would just come to my room. So I came back here to my suite, lit a few candles and here I am writing you.

 

**_Writing my thoughts for you and you alone…………._ **


	50. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 50: The Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strange things are happening in Loki's old suite and Erika promises something she may regret..........

It has been so difficult trying to gain back some semblance of normality following the tragic death of the Midgardian. I set off late for duty this morning, too. I am wondering if Loki’s bed has something to do with it. It is so wonderfully comfortable and with every passing day I fell less and less like getting up. It takes great effort to throw off the feelings of comfort and luxury – then there is the feeling of having had dreams that I cannot remember. They are strange, as if I know I have interacted with someone in the same manner as if I was awake, but the more I try to remember, the less I can. Sometimes it feels like someone has literally just left the room.

 

On top of that, Loki made rude comments to me when I mentioned his bed, paraded around half naked when he got up and then chose under wear that did nothing for his modesty. In fact, it was as if it was designed to show off his man-parts! I was  _so_ embarrassed. He just does not care – in fact he thinks it is funny.

 

Then, as I quickly dressed him, he asked about Father. He is terribly ill now and there is nothing that can be done. He left it far too late. I ended up crying again about it as I told Loki. He gave me a hug, which I suppose was kind, but I still do not feel comfortable when he does that. Anyway he gave me leave to visit with them for as long as I wanted for the rest of the day and I did, but I am ashamed to say I ended the day a little drunk. I went out with Alexander and some of his friends after visiting my parents. I really played out the attentive girlfriend, though. I later allowed Alexander to touch me a lot more intimately than ever before – in fact it almost reminded me of my dreams. I know not what to make of it. I was quite tipsy, but I knew what I was doing. It felt wrong though, because he is so good at what he does to me that it gives me feelings, even though I do not want them.

 

But I also did something so stupid and I just do not know what to do. Oh diary, why have I put myself in this position? I should be simply polishing mirrors, cleaning bathrooms and making cups of tea for Mr Grumpy. Even dressing Loki is not that bad now I am used to it. Let us face it, I am basically looking after a grown up child, although it can get embarrassing when he forgets decency and wanders around with nothing on! I admit he is particularly finely built and is certainly not unpleasant to look at, but – oh dear, now I am blushing! I would be in so much trouble if he found out I wrote things like that about him.

 

But to have agreed to finally make love with Alexander is folly on my part, as I truly do not want to do it. He is experienced, obviously – it was in the letter for a start. But I am not! He does not believe I am a virgin because he has accused Odin of having taken advantage of me despite my denials. But what does that matter? I am a maiden and it is not something I readily want to give up to him. I feel I will regret this for the rest of my life. Hel, I would even rather my first time was with Loki than Alexander!

 

Well, Diary, I am very tired and I am enjoying being back in this wonderful old bed of Loki’s, so I am going to go to sleep. Which reminds me – all of this must really be playing on my mind, because, as well as the strange dreams where I feel like I have talked to someone, I have been having some really erotic dreams lately and I am quite embarrassed to admit I even woke myself up two nights ago with the intensity of my reaction! Some of the feelings I am left with – they are so, well I am so bothered by writing this – but I feel sensual (I think that is the word) – sexy? The things in the erotic dreams – well, I did not know I knew how to do things like that. And that’s of the things I can remember, because I cannot remember everything, like whom it is that shares them with me. And why I sometimes ache. In a personal place. I know I have not actually physically done anything, but I am left with sensations that I think are what I would get if I partook in some very heavy petting with someone. But I am alone at night, so I do not know why it is happening.

 

I really must get some sleep now. Apparently, my first duty tomorrow morning – even before I attend to Loki – is to go to clean Thor’s cell. Loki will not allow anyone else in, as he thinks Thor will try to communicate with them. So I get the pleasure of it.

 

 

 

_**The thing is, I really do fear for Thor’s life……………..** _


	51. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 51: First Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika fights Thor's corner and suffers Loki's reaction.  
> But she still gets this notion in her head that he might be able to help her out of her fix with Alexander..........
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster?

Diary, I think I will have to talk to Loki about moving back into my room in his suite, or at least ask him about this bed. I woke up extra early this morning and I could have sworn someone was there. It almost felt – rather bizarrely – as if the bed itself was embracing me and enjoying the fact that I was there! But as I came round fully from sleeping, the feeling went and I just lay there daydreaming a bit. Thankfully, if I had any dreams last night, I did not remember them upon waking – I had slept really well.

 

The first task of my day was really unpleasant. I had to clean the cell Thor is in and Loki also asked that I attend to Thor’s hygiene. I tried the best I could, but he weighs a tonne and there is no way I could do a proper job. I managed to change his shirt by cutting the old one off and I tried my best to clean his wound. It is awful – there is something just not right with it. It is black and it smells horrible. Thor himself is just not in there, either – it is as if his personality is disappearing and someone, or something else, is taking his place. I am convinced he will die if something is not done about it soon and I believe Loki is withholding treatment from him on purpose in some kind of sick revenge for things he imagines Thor has done.

 

I went straight to him – he was still in the suite, finishing his breakfast – and I had it out with him. Obviously, as usual, it led to an argument. He told me to mind my own business; I told him it was my business and that he should look after what little family he has left. He screamed at me that Thor is not his family and I shouted back that he was hateful and that at least he had a choice in the matter, whereas I do not when it comes to my father’s illness. That shut him up. He dismissed me then and told me to go to visit my family, “since they are so precious” to me. He is a bastard. He is a mean, twisted, bitter man and sometimes I just hate him. He was so insistent; it was as if he was trying to get me out of the Palace. So I went, of course. I ended up making apple pies with Mother, which was nice and I brought some back for supper, but I do not think Loki deserves to sample them after his attitude towards me!

 

Having said all of that, I have something to admit, now. I re-read what I wrote about preferring Loki to Alexander when it comes to who I would have as my first lover. I also thought about it more on the way home just now. Please bear with me, Diary, as I am about to sound like a mad woman! It may be just a silly idea, but I am thinking of asking Loki to help.

 

Yes. I know who he is, I know what he has done I know how he has treated m. We argue, we fight, he is my King, he is temperamental, he beats me and he is somewhat unbalanced. I know. I know. I know! But you have to remember he has also been there when I have needed help. He  _is_  capable of caring, when he realises it is needed. It is in his own broken and unusual way, but I know he can and  _does_ care, even if he will not admit it.

 

It does not even have to be to do –  _that_ – with me. He could do something else, like plant memories in Alexander’s head or something. Or he could send a clone of me. Or alter my perception of the experience – give me a potion or something that would make Alexander look like someone else! Oh, I do not know. He must be able to do something!

 

I may well have to eventually have a full relationship with Alexander – hopefully very short-lived or not at all – so what harm would there be in asking Loki to give me just one night? I think I will ask him tonight after supper, talking of which; I must get straight on and organise it.

 

**_After all – I could do a lot worse than him…………._ **


	52. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 52: The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this is Erika's short, but sweet, recap of how she thought things went.....
> 
>  
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster?

Well, I do not know if I ever asked Loki for that favour. I woke up in his bed, in his shirt and with an horrendous hangover, but it seems all I did was to suggest he use my mother’s apple pie as headwear, then passed out. I do not even know how I got drunk. I was so ashamed of myself. At least nothing happened, which I have to say I am relieved about. I confess I know not what I was thinking when I said I would ask Loki. It is as if I am being influenced down that avenue of thought by someone other than me, or even by my own sense of desperation.

 

Loki was not very sympathetic, although he did give me a remedy and eventually used a bit of magic to make my headache go. I think it was because he wanted me back on duty rather than being kind, though. He teased me about how “entertaining” I had been when I was drunk – he is so mean.

 

I had to go to sort Thor out again today, too. I am glad Loki took away my hangover, or I may have thrown up, it is so unpleasant. Loki will have to come and help me tomorrow, as I cannot clean the poor man properly and he is truly, desperately ill. The pupil’s of his eyes have clouded over and he mumbles strange words through his cracked lips. The wound is refusing to heal and there are blackened lines starting to creep out from it, even though I put medicinal salves on it. It is utterly heartless to allow it to continue, so I need another talk with Loki – wish me luck!

 

There is some other news, too. It seems that Alexander has been swayed by my enthusiasm to move our relationship on. I am to attend a real ACPoS meeting tomorrow! He said there is a very special guest attending, so it is an ideal time for me to be introduced to the other members. He said it is time they got to speak to someone who is directly affected by the radical change we have seen in our ruler. So, I have to dress to indicate my rank as the King’s maid, but not too grandly, so as to not alienate the anti-royalists. I have to admit I am really nervous about it – a “special” guest? I wonder who it will be – could it be someone involved in the plot to poison Loki? I want this to be over and done with now. I just want to go back to changing Loki’s sheets and bringing him his morning cup of tea. I need to expose the poisoners and get the task finished.

 

**_Then I can concentrate on getting Loki to help Thor…………_ **


	53. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 53: A Long Day Ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've gone back to short entries, as it is a diary and today will have another, possibly two, entries, as there will be a lot happening.
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster? Loki x Reader.

How will I get this down quickly? Diary today has already been one that I will not forget in a hurry. I was supposed to get up really early today because of the funeral, which was to be held at dawn, so I set my timepiece to chime for an hour before I usually arise. But it was not my timepiece that woke me up this morning. Oh, I do not know why I hesitate to write this, however it is somewhat embarrassing! Well, no one will ever read this apart from me, so here I go……

 

There was someone in bed with me – I would  _swear_  it! If not, then I have had the most realistic dream ever and I was convinced everything was actually happening. The hands on me, the lips – they felt so, well, so solid! And they were doing such amazing things to me; I really do not know how to describe it. Touching me, stroking, kissing and, well they were doing such nice things to parts of me that I just have not felt before. I was in such a state when I woke up and I know I was making noises because I heard the last of them as I emerged from my sleep. I really hope that what was happening is what it is like when you join with someone, because it was just so… well, I am at a loss for words!

 

Of course this morning did not continue the same way as that. Loki was already up when I went to his suite. He was really distant – and he has remained that way the whole time. I think he needs time to deal with it – she did mean a lot to him. He even sent the torched arrow himself – and he was a very good shot. I do not know his true feelings about her and the time she was here, nor do I know what he really thinks about her death. He is not really one for talking, which is an understatement. I think I will go to see him now that I have changed into my uniform, because my next task is to attend to Thor and I need help with it.

 

I will go to see Loki and see how he fares, then I will have to bring up the subject of Thor with him, no matter what his disposition. I can not stand to see his brother suffering a moment longer and I know he can do something to alleviate it. I also need to tell him about the big ACPoS meeting tonight.

 

**_From a fantasy to a farewell – what a morning so far…………_ **


	54. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 54: Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika's day is going from a very pleasurable start, through a sad occasion, to arguing with her King..... A long day indeed and it is not even half over yet..........
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster? Loki x Reader

I have my dress (which is gorgeous!), I have my jewellery and I have Loki’s wrath to wear tonight. I am going to what could be a very scary and even dangerous meeting of the cultural society which, on the surface, stands up for the preservation of all things Asgardians hold dear, but which conceals a faction who are committed to bringing the current monarch down so that their preference, Thor can be put on the throne. They have some deluded idea that Thor is simply imprisoned on trumped up charges of attempted patricide and do not seem to have been informed that he is, in fact, dying. Mind you – how could they know? Only ‘Odin’ and I have seen him since he was taken to the dungeon.

 

I went to see Loki after I last wrote. I wish I had not in a way. At first he was reluctant to accept my offer of comfort – just as a friend. He is so distant and removed from other people! I know his present circumstances force that upon him, but he will not just accept that he can be just as in need of Asgardian contact as the rest of us. He has this cold wall he keeps up and it is a big part of his general problem. In fact, if I could summon up the courage to tell him exactly what I think of how he does – or does not – relate to people, I would tell him he is an outright snob! That and he is cold, hard-hearted, distant, arrogant and childish. I suppose that is quite cruel of me though, because every now and again, I catch sight of who he could have been. He can care and he can be kind; it’s just that he chooses not to. He seems to think it makes him appear smarter, more intellectual somehow, if he does not cave in to his emotional needs. Well, that is enough analysis of Loki’s inability to relate to me. I did actually manage to get him to talk to me of the mortal a little bit. That is where I saw a tiny glimpse of who I think is the real Loki hiding inside.

 

But then we fell out. I do not even know how it happened! All I did was tell him a few home truths. He can be such a big baby at times. Anyway, he got quite angry, especially when I also mentioned Thor; I thought he was going to beat me at first. He is just jealous because some of my attention and care is now being spent on his brother, I think! In the end he came to the cell with me and actually made Thor a little more comfortable. At least he is clean and on a bed now and not on the floor in his own dirt. That wound is not healing, though.

 

Apparently someone is coming to Asgard to heal him. And I am to be their host.

 

**_I cannot wait……………_ **


	55. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 55: Desolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika has had possibly the worst two days of her life and struggles to get it across in her writings.........
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster?

I have no one. And so I turn to you, dear Diary, I turn to you. I hope I can find solace in your pages by trying to purge everything I hold within. I am so desperately unhappy that I do not know how to write it down in a way that will demonstrate it. How about I just tell you why I am writing these sad words?

 

My Father is dead.

My Brother is dead.

Alexander is dead.

I never got to say goodbye, no matter how awful it could have been.

 

Lots of other people are dead.

I told my Mother I wished she was dead.

Any chance of friendship with Loki, however formal or strange, is now dead.

 

Dead, dead, dead. Everything is dead. Even the girl who wrote our names on a piece of paper as we arrived is hanging alongside the rest. I have killed her – I’ve killed everyone. I have caused sadness and devastation to so many families. I have made widows and orphans and I can not mend any of it. Everything around me is dead or dying and I just do not know what to do. Oh, Gods, I just wanted to make things right and now all those people are dead. I did not know Loki would go that far. I thought they would go to jail. I did not know my father and brother were involved. My mother swears she did not, either, but how could she not?

 

I thought I was doing the right thing by going to that meeting. I was serving my King. I was getting back at Alexander for what he had done to me. Now I have learned my father used me by getting me the job as a chambermaid and paying the Seneschal to get me onto the King’s suite shift pattern. Loki taking me on full time must have been an absolute gift – no wonder he was so proud of me. He was not proud of me – he was rubbing his hands together over having someone in close contact with the King. Would he have tried to get me on side?

 

Loki thought I was complicit in the doings of ACPoS. He beat me when I got back. I thought he was going to kill me and he did it as a Jotúun. Why does he revert to that form when his passion is raised? I just know he would look so beautiful as a Frost Giant if he would only let me see him that way when he was in good spirits. He seems to want people to think that they really are monsters.

I thought the beating would be punishment enough for causing the death of all those people, but it has done nothing to alleviate how bad I feel. All it has done is to alienate me from Loki. He abandoned me when I need him most, Diary. I really needed him to let me cry and shout and bemoan my family’s betrayal of me and all I got was a beating. I truly hate him and I cannot stand being near him.

 

I found out the gem in my pendant allows him to spy on me and what I am doing. I am not sure he is altogether happy about that, but I no longer care. I hate him. He should have been there for me and he was not. I bumped into him not long ago by accident and I thought he was going to get really mad at me because I have one of his mother’s pashminas. He did not stop, however, so I think I may have got away with it.

 

Anyway, I suppose I should include a bright note. Thor’s healer is here. He is called Elrond and he is a fair Elf from a place called Middle Earth. He is so tall and graceful and he has a gentle, kind voice. He has been really nice to me and he said I had done well looking after Thor. He may just be able to bring him back. I really hope so. We need hope for the future, diary. We need someone who may be able to turn Loki around. Diary, I did not think I would write this, even after everything that has happened since I found Loki, but I think if he cannot be persuaded to turn back from his sick intent to bring Asgard down, well, I think we might just need someone to kill him after all. I do not want it to come to that, because I know he has the ability to be kind, to care – he has done so for me. I just hope he was genuine and not just doing it to make me do what he wanted. Oh Diary I have never felt so confused and alone.

 

 

**_Has everything Loki has done for me and said to me just been one big lie to get his own way……...?_ **


	56. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 56: Defection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika prepares to help Elrond bring Thor back and holds bright hope that it will mean the end of Loki's rule.........
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster? Loki x Reader.

Wish me luck, Diary. I am to help Elrond a second time tonight with his attempt to heal Thor. He is a skilled healer and he said he felt things were going well, so I am full of hope that in a few hours the Prince of Asgard will be back here and conscious and well and truly on the path to being in good health again.

 

I went to serve Loki before coming back here, yet he ended up serving me. It felt strange, because of the tension between us. He knows I hate him for what he has done, but he seems to not want to do anything to try to mend things. Earlier on, when he brought me something to eat – it was as if he cared about me enough to make sure I did not go hungry, but he coated it in coldness, making sly comments about how I would not be able to help Thor if I did not eat. Diary, it is almost as if he is jealous! I cannot understand why; I would help anyone in a predicament such as his brother’s – I do not belong to Loki! It is not as if we are betrothed, nor even attracted to one another.

 

Anyway, I have decided that I will aid Elrond, then nurse Thor back to full health and try to mend things with my mother. I was so horrible to her after she tried to stop me approaching the gallows - I told her I wished she was up there with them. It was so nasty of me – I do not understand why I would say something like that.

 

I suppose I must go. Lord Elrond will be waiting for me to go with him to heal Thor. The wound has closed and looks healthy; it is simply his mind that requires Elrond’s guidance to bring him back. I am quietly excited, as I think that once he returns, things will get better.

 

**_And I will do everything I can to help him………….._ **


	57. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 57: Catch Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika finally decides she is going to keep her diary, whether Loki reads it or not.....
> 
> This is a series that follows Am I truly A Monster? Loki x Reader. Part 1 of 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been at least a month since Erika last wrote in her diary, but she needs somewhere she can make sense of it all and get things off her chest. She picks her pen up once again.........

Well, Diary. How long has it been? How much has happened since I wrote here last time?

 

I did not think I would raise my pen to confide in you ever again – Loki knows you exist. He has known probably ever since I entered his service. But I need you, really, and I have missed you. So, Loki, if you are reading this now, I hope you can do so with a clearer conscience than I could if it were yours!

 

Since there is nothing I can do to stop him, I am just going to assume he has actually done the right thing for once and has decided that I do actually need some private space away from him. If I was going to conspire against him, I would have done it a long time ago.

 

 

So much has happened; I do not think I can write it all down! There has been so much heartache and I fear there is more to come, but I will briefly bring you up to date.

 

Elrond healed Thor, but he could not find the Morgul fragments and he was really worried by this. He said they are incredibly dangerous in the wrong hands and that they urgently needed to be found and taken back to Middle Earth. He became really good friends with my Mother while he was here and he gave her a beautiful brooch as a gift before he went. It was really nice to see her happy for a short time and to make a new friend – even if he is an Elf from a far off realm!

 

I never got a chance to say goodbye before the executions – I was so exhausted by helping Elrond that I was asleep when it happened. I cannot tell you how that has made me feel. Let it suffice for me to say that I deeply regret it. However, we managed to bury my brother. It is a long story, but we managed to get him back and he is now in the garden under an Oak sapling. At least he is not still hanging in the Plaza like everyone else.

 

And Loki now has his special warriors. They have been training for three weeks up at the Royal compound on Asgard Mountainand are due back today. The Gods alone know what he has planned for them, but I think I know. His helmet has gone out of the wardrobe where I hid it, too and I think I might know why – I intend to ask him, too.

 

**_Has the time come for Asgard to learn of his existence……..?_ **


	58. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 58: All Pain Is Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika rediscovers her diary and tries to start to set down some of what has happened in the last few weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the sudden urge to write a diary entry. In my real life I can leave months between my diary entries, as I do not keep it religiously. So I think she is similar to me in this respect. Expect a few tidbits about how events in "States Of A God's Heart" look from Erika's perspective.

I do not know what to write. I am no longer me. The real me. Oh, I look the same, I sound the same and I do the same things, but… I have changed.

 

Even writing this down feels to me like someone else is doing it. I have looked back at what I have written before and some of it simply no longer makes sense. I am a new me. That is it. A new me.

 

My mother is to be married! I will start off with good news, diary and it is so good. Mother will be so happy I just know it. She is to be wed to Elrond, the Elf who came to heal Thor. He is a really important and really, really old Elf but he is giving up his potential to live on for thousands of years because he wants to be with Mother. It is so romantic! He knows she only has a few hundred years left so he is going to a place called Valinor to have the Elven longevity rescinded. Oh, how I long for someone to love me so much that they would give up something so precious because I meant so much to them. The wedding is in a few weeks on Middle Earth and I am allowed to go! I cannot wait to see it. I have been there, apparently, but I do not remember it.

 

I was ill. Things from a few weeks ago remain foggy in my mind, but there are a few which remain.

 

I spoke with the elemental memory of Frigga. She is so beautiful, diary! Even thinking about her makes me breathless. How wonderful to have had her as a mother… so elegant, so beautiful and so wise. She has told me what has happened to me and I hold out hope that one day I will go back to being just me. I have an Athame made of Mythril and apparently, I am in thrall to it. What that means I do not really know, but there is a pure coldness inside me; I can feel it. I think it is where I used to feel love. You know the kind I mean. The painful, longing love that makes your stomach clench when you think you are going to be away from the one you cherish for any length of time. Or that makes you feel sick to the core if you think they may be in peril or are hurt badly. Or that makes you wish the very ground would swallow you into an eternal dreamless sleep when you feel you have lost them. I do not have those extreme feelings of love at the moment, but I feel that I am getting better slowly.

 

I suppose I should explain.

 

Loki and I became lovers. Briefly. Then someone tried to kill me. Or so he tells me. The healing process has left me barren of love. At least in the Asgardian sense. And the only hope is for me to try to teach myself how to love again. At least I think it is. The only other thing that has occurred to me is to have the Athame destroyed so that I am no longer in thrall to such a pure and cold magical object, for I feel that is what is projecting onto me. For that love that Loki swears I felt for him is no longer there. Oh, I love him, of that there is no doubt. But it is a love for him as my King and as some kind of friend. When he comes to me and becomes physically attentive, I enjoy it, but I feel no true link as I should. I suppose I go through with it because it is pleasurable, but I feel no sense of bonding as I should when making love with someone.

 

Diary – I am no better than some kind of courtesan!

 

I can also lift Mjolnir. I do it every day just to see if the power is still within me. I cannot do anything with her, just move her. But I should not be able to. And I know it infuriates Loki. I believe deep down he thinks I mean to do him some kind of harm with it in the service of Thor and struggles to try to suppress the notion. She is beautiful, though and she sings to me. The sound is like harmonious harps matching my mood and I could hold her all day. No wonder Thor loves her so much. She is not a tool for destruction; she is a partner in life that channels her power through the one who holds her and allows them to do things for the greater good.

 

I am exhausted now and I must have some sleep. I have been waiting on Loki and Hel this evening. I have had such a nice time with her and I will write about her visit tomorrow if I have time. She is leaving in the morning and I do believe I will miss her.

 

**_But from Loki’s reactions around her, I do not think he will be sorry to wave goodbye to her……._ **


	59. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 58: Shades of the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika is allowed to go to the feast being held for the Vanaheimians to celebrate their defeat of the Stone Giants with Loki's help some weeks ago. Her Grandmother finds an old dress of Elisabet's and suggests she wears it to look the part.

Wow! What a day. We have been preparing for the Vanaheimian visit and the whole Palace is buzzing with activity.

 

Loki came to me last night in my room. I am no longer in his old suite for various reasons. I am in a guest room of the King’s suites just a few doors down from his own rooms. I seem to remember him arriving, because he cuddled me, which was really nice. At some point in the night we just seemed to wake up at the same time and he made love to me. It was so nice – he was really gentle and acted like he was actually making love and not just having sex. He made me feel he cares about me and I enjoyed it and – I think I felt closer to him somehow. What I do not understand though is why he changed this morning. He came out to me on the balcony and began to touch and kiss me, but suddenly stepped back and became all authoritative. He just told me to serve him in his rooms with Hel because she was leaving and then he left. I do not know what it is that I may have done wrong. Maybe he is thinking he will miss her and it has made him upset.

 

Anyway – Hel.

 

What a character! We have had such fun while she has been here. She is really naughty and such a mischief. She loves to play tricks and to have fun and see lots of things, dress my hair, eat my cakes, wind up the courtiers… I could go on. I do not think Loki was very pleased at how well we got along because he tried to tell me Hel wanted to take me away from Asgard and away from everyone I love. I think he was just jealous because I became her friend very quickly. We even spent a night together in one of the store rooms under the Palace while she was here. There was some kind of invasion and they locked it down and we could not get to a safe room, so I took her and another girl called Aida to the storeroom near the kitchens. Aida is the designer who came to oversee the installation of Loki’s sunken bath. Did I say how beautiful she is? In fact, if she and Hel were standing together so you could only see Hel’s living side, you would say they were the most beautiful women. I am so envious. Their colouring with blue skin, red eyes and midnight black hair is just wonderfully vibrant. I am pale with straw coloured hair and wishy-washy eyes – nothing to be that proud of.

 

On to the best part. I am allowed to go to the Vanaheimian feast! Only to wait upon Loki at the high table, but still I will get to see the dignitaries who come from that realm and see what it is that happens up there amongst the important people. I already have a dress in mind to look smart and Aida has promised to style my hair for me. The theme is warriors and battle maidens, so she is going to give me some warrior braids! It will take my mind off my mother being so far away. I visited Grandmother and Grandfather today for lunch, but it is not the same, somehow. It was Grandmother who suggested the dress anyway, as I have not really got much in the way of clothing suitable for grand occasions. It is quite an old one and she had found it when she was making space in a wardrobe of Mother’s for her own clothes. I think it will go with my colouring anyway and it is so stylish and elegant and floaty and comfortable!  It is pale green and gold silk layers with small black gem stones here and there and there is a black chiffon scarf to go with it with contrasting green and gold gems on it. I cannot wait to wear it! It might even make me look elegant.

 

**_I may just be a serving girl, but I rather hope to be the best dressed one for my King……_ **

****


	60. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 60: The Maid of Mischief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika finds herself at a loose end...

I realised something Diary. My neglect of you has meant that so many important things have not been recorded here. Thor’s disappearance. Loki’s revelation to the populace of his existence. My mother having known Loki when she was younger. My own illness – which I suppose I could not have written about at the time. The invasions that have been going on. But I think the thing I long to have been able to read back on is this elusive love I had for Loki. I really wish I had recorded some of what I was feeling at the time so that I could refer back and try to link back to it.

 

Well, the time is long past for such things. I will simply have to concentrate upon finding that spark again. I wonder if I should talk to Loki about destroying the Athame?

 

He is busy today, so I have managed to get some free time. The trouble is that I do not really know what to do with myself. I suppose I could visit with my grandparents, but I do not really want to. I want someone of my own age to spend time with, but I do not really have anyone that close anymore. The other staff have really grown distant now. It was bad enough when I was made Odin’s chambermaid way before my birthday, but now that these strange things have been going on and what with all the rumours about me that have grown from my closeness with Loki – well, none of them seem to feel comfortable around me anymore. I cannot say I blame them. That is why it was so nice to have Hel here. She was a lot of fun to be around. I wonder if I could maybe become friends with Aida. We have spoken a few times and we did get on really well when we had to stay in the storeroom the other night.

 

Well, I will not accomplish much by sitting here writing about how I have little to do! I mended one of Loki’s shirts the other day and I do remember thinking about getting all his clothes out and checking for any repairs that are required. I enjoy sewing and I could do it out on the balcony and enjoy the sunshine. That has decided it. Well, diary, I shall report back on just how much green and black cotton I have had to use in order to get all his garments in tip-top shape! I would have thought he would be more interested in making sure he always looked well groomed and well dressed, but sometimes he surprises me. Mind you, he probably just casts a glamour to make everything appear neater and more elegant than it really is when he cannot be bothered to really make the effort.

 

Would you like to know your new hiding place? It was a moment of inspiration, because I think the place stops Loki from moving you magically in order to read you.

 

You now live underneath Mjolnir!

 

Ha!

 

I can lift her to get you – and Loki cannot! I really wish I could be there to see his face and to watch him try to retrieve you.

 

**_Something tells me Loki would not see the funny side of things……_ **


	61. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 61: The Perfect Maid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika suspects that someone may have tried to access her diary, but is more interested in the night ahead.

Hello Diary! I have such exciting news to tell you. It is the feast day where we are hosting the Vanaheimians and they are due any time soon. I have been asked to attend Loki at his table, too – oh I am so excited about it. I have never been to one of these big occasions and all the Gods and Goddesses will be there and entertainers and the food will be amazing and it will be just so grand and I have beautiful dress to wear and I have even had some posh underwear made! Oh, I cannot wait! I wonder what the King and his son will look like and whether they will be nice. I am to attend to them in Loki’s suite this morning, so I have changed into my new uniform, which is a bit smarter than the one I normally wear. I hope I do not let Loki down – I want to be the perfect maid so that the visitors think highly of him, but everyone else has experience of doing all this kind of service and I do not. Well, I will try my best.

 

I cannot wait to wear the dress I have. Grandmother suggested it because it was an almost perfect fit and it is unusual because it is Elven. Oh! It is so beautiful and I have never seen anything like it in Asgard, so it should be elegant enough to go to the feast in – even as a servant. And I shall wear the emerald hairpins as well. I do believe I shall feel more like a Princess than a servant.

 

I really must go, but one thing before I do. I noticed you had moved. Definitely. I wonder if Loki has been trying to get you out from underneath Mjolnir and did not succeed, although I would have thought that there would have been no movement at all. Unless he was allowed a little movement and no more? I sometimes wonder if Mjolnir can actually think. What I mean is that she will allow certain people to hold her, yet not others. Why? Is it some sort of ability to detect their intent? Well, as long as I can lift her back off you when I want to write in you and as long as she guards both you and the Athame in that box so that no one else can get to either of you! Talking of the Athame, I am wondering if it is losing power or if Mjolnir is blocking its influence somehow, because one or two times in the past few days, I have reacted to things in quite an emotional manner more akin to how I used to behave. I hope I am going to recover my feelings. I mean, I do have feelings now but they are nowhere near as powerful as they used to be.

 

I had better go or I will be late to greet King Týlaugr and his son, so I have to put you back now. Rest assured I will write all about it next time.

 

**_And I will have to see if you have moved again……_ **

 


	62. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 62: Where Were You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika tries to explain how it feels to finally feel properly after so long in her emotional desert...

I just cannot sleep. My head is whirling around at a million miles an hour, I feel dirty, I feel alone and I need to tell someone. I am so tired and all I want to do is sleep and then wake up and find out it was all just a nightmare, but I know I will not. Oh Diary, it is four of the morning and I have turned to you because the one I needed was not there for me. I am at home and Amma has been so kind, but it is not enough! I need someone to watch over me while I sleep. I need to be protected in case he comes for me because of what I did.

 

The day started off so well and then the guests arrived and I had to entertain the King and the Prince for over an hour on my own because Loki was so late. He was really off with me, especially when I happened to talk to the ravens. I came home to get changed and Amma made me look like a princess! I felt so pretty in my mother’s dress and with the hairstyle and it was really exciting to be attending such a grand occasion. Then I found that Loki was in my carriage and he walked me into the Palace and he invited me to accompany him at the reception. He was being so strange – one minute nasty and the next really nice. The feast went well to begin with, but Prince Liðsvaldr is really ill mannered! He kept touching me and groping me in front of everyone and I did not know what to do. Loki did nothing about it and some of the other important men seemed to accept it as nothing unusual, so I put up with it, because I did not want to embarrass Loki by being a bad maid.

 

Then she arrived. I thought she was nice and I even made friends with her, but when she walked in the room, everyone noticed her, especially Loki. He could not take his eyes off her and when I caught them looking at each other and the way he was looking at her, it made me feel terrible. Yes Diary, _feel._ It hurt me like a physical pain and inside I felt something snap. In my head, it was as if a fog was disappearing and in my heart it felt like chains were falling from around it. I think I am free of my problem in relating to people. I believe the strange way I had been reacting to others has gone. I do not wish to sound melodramatic, but I think seeing Loki desiring another has, ironically, healed me. My emotions are all over the place, as if they had been sleeping and have now woken up, but the pain is terrible. I do not want him to look at another like that, but I know my behaviour has driven him away from me. The love he told me I had for him is real Diary. _It is real_ and I _feel_ it now and I know he does not feel it back anymore. And it hurts, oh Gods it hurts.

 

And, as if that was not enough, Prince Liðsvaldr tried to rape me in the wine room. I can still feel his hands on me, the smell of him, the sound of him, the feel of him… it will not go away. I do not know how I managed it, but Mjolnir came to my aid and knocked him out. I was so frightened. It was disgusting and scary and I will be in so much trouble if anyone finds out the truth. I am so scared of anyone finding out. What will they do to me? All evening he was touching me in front of everyone and I did nothing to stop him. Oh Gods, Diary I am so scared. I went to try to find Loki, but he was not in the suite anywhere. I really needed him and he was not there. I was scared I would be arrested at any moment and I had no one to protect me. I went to my room to clean myself up and get changed and I found the Athame destroyed and you were lying on my bed. I got Mjolnir from the wine room and I came here. And I cannot sleep.

 

I just wanted you to hold me and tell me everything would be alright, Loki

 

**_Where were you……..?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the gap in uploading folks. Busy busy busy...


	63. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 63: A Mother's Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rivendell seems to be helping Erika's recovery, but the young maid is worried about her future.

I am in Rivendell!!

 

Oh, I cannot describe it sufficiently on paper. It is so beautiful and welcoming and calming and friendly. It is just wonderful! I got here yesterday; my grandparents arranged the journey with Heimdallr and it was so nice to see Móðir and Elrond. I had a big cry and I told her everything, including the part about Mjolnir. She was so shocked at everything and was going to go back to Asgard to see Loki, but I stopped her. She said something about him breaking his promise, but we were both so upset that we did not really discuss it further.

 

I do not know whether I was given a sleeping draught or if Rivendell simply worked its magic upon me, but I slept so well last night that I managed to awake refreshed and feeling as if the horrible experience of the feast night might just fade away. I went for a walk in the gardens before anyone else was up and the feelings the colours and scents evoked in me were wonderful; I truly believe I am whole again. A proper Asgardian. For example, my reaction to seeing my mother felt so powerful and all the crying and laughing and hugging and so on that we went through as I talked to her about everything was so much more intense than anything I have felt for a long time and certainly since Loki cut the Altseende from me. That feeling of reconnection with my mother is one of the most painfully sweet things that has ever happened to me – I went from knowing I should love her and wanting to love her, as I have been over the last few months, to actually loving her and knowing I cannot be without her and it felt so beautiful. I think a lot of my crying was because of the return of my ability to feel these things on such a profound level after being removed from them for so long.

 

Well, I do not know what is going to happen now. I really do not want to go back to Asgard, but I have no doubt that Loki will send someone to get me once he finds out I am here. The truth is that I am scared of going back. I am scared of how I will feel towards him. I am scared about what will happen to me because of what happened. The thing is, Elrond has told me of a way that I can be disguised which may prove to be impervious to Loki’s magic. The only trouble is that he might come here himself and I would not be able to hide my thoughts. He would find me for sure. I told all these worries to my mother and she did not seem to be too bothered about it. She said he would have to get through her to get to me and that he would not have a chance. Oh, I love her so much! She really cares for me and now that I can feel properly again, it is almost like discovering a Mother’s love for the first time and it is wonderful. I will feel sorry for Loki if he does try to come here to take me back to Asgard!

 

**_From Móðir’s expression, I think he would be lucky to escape with his life……!_ **


	64. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 64: A New Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika starts to become settled in Rivendell

What a beautiful and loving race the Elves are! I have only been here a short while, but they have welcomed me here and Elrond is being so kind to me and we are going on an overnight trip to be shown more of Rivendell and to see how they live. I have been given clothes to wear which are so comfortable, even more so than the ones Loki has had made for me back in Asgard. Oh, there are dresses, tunics, riding pants, jerkins, blouses, boots, slippers…. they have been so generous! But the best part by far is that I am to be Móðir’s bridal Attendant and I am havig a gown made by the seamstress here. I have seen Móðir’s gown as it is – it is not quite finished – and I am having one made in a similar style! It is so exciting!

 

And the She-Elves! My goodness, how beautiful they are and so graceful and quiet yet I know underneath it all they are strong. Morfinneth and I are swapping Sindarin – that is their language – and the Common tongue of Yggdrasil. It is quite funny when we make mistakes, but I have to be there quite a bit while she gets my measurements and fits the gown, so why not?

 

And then there is the food! Sorry, I know I am sounding so excited, but it is just wonderful. I know it is probably a lot to do with me having all my senses and emotions back in full, so I suppose Asgard will look different if I ever go back.

 

Oh, now I feel sad and a bit scared. I do not want to go back. I am starting out somewhere new, Diary. The magical dawn I saw this morning when I went out is the new dawn for me, away from that place and away from the one who will only hurt me.

 

**_I cannot go back…._ **

 


	65. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 65: A New Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika continues to enthuse about her time in Rivendell...

I just met my horse, which is beautiful and patient and such a joy to ride, and I am squeezing in a few words before we depart for the camp tonight. I am a bit worried about leaving you here, but I will put you under Mjolnir as usual. Actually, I am a bit worried about leaving Mjolnir here. Not because I am worried she will be stolen – that is impossible, of course. No, I am a bit worried she will simply be discovered. I will cover her up and what will be, will be.

 

I am so excited for tonight, but we are taking a ride through the forest first, which I am really looking forward to; it is a long time since I went for a ride just for fun. Then we are all meeting up to pitch a camp and to be in good company to stay out for the night. Camping in the forest! Who would have thought it?! What an adventure – I am hoping it will be filled with fun! I admit I saw some of the Elves packing things up to take and I swear I saw musical instruments, so maybe there will be a bit of singing and possibly some dancing!

 

Apparently, when we come back tomorrow, there will be a lot of people in Rivendell who are coming to celebrate the wedding and I have to admit the thought of seeing so many new faces is quite thrilling. I am just so happy for Móðir I cannot express it in words. I just hope that I, one day, will be lucky enough to find the same kind of love she has. I am so proud to be her bridal attendant and I am so excited about our gowns which Morfinneth is making. Oh Diary! I think I am just about ready to leave Asgard behind for good. Whenever I look back, all I see is sorrow and heartache and when I look forward now, in Rivendell, all I see is hope for a brighter future. Tomorrow will be a new day and it will be the first of many I hope.

 

**_I think I may finally be home…._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I am catching you up with Erika's thoughts about her time in Rivendell before I move on with things in States Of A God's Heart. She is a little bit excited ;)
> 
> Ten points to those of you who can predict the title of the next chapter of her diary before I post it!  
> (clue: the titles of Ch64 and Ch65 are the lead up)


	66. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 66: A New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika tells us of the night spent dancing with the Elves, but her mind quickly turns to wondering just what - if any - motives Mjolnir may be harbouring...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Muse for the last three chapter titles, A New Dawn, A New Day, A New Life.
> 
> Their song, "Feeling Good" is one of my favourites and I often have fun failing to sing along at the top of my somewhat discordant lungs!

How on ~~Asgard~~ Middle Earth do I describe the night we just spent in the forest? Firstly the forest itself; the trees, the parts of the sky you can only just see, the stars, the sounds, the scents – they were all just so magical. It was as if the forest was enchanted and it felt like a comforting haven as we sat around the fire and had supper. And then the Elves! They had taken instruments with them, as I had thought, and one of the females sang for us. Oh, her voice… it was so beautiful. Soulful, haunting, melodic and the words were so meaningful – at least the ones I could understand were!

 

Then we danced! I was going to just sit and watch, but Diary, I love to dance! I was watching them and one Elf who had been smiling at me a lot looked like he was having such a fun time and to tell you the honest truth, I simply wanted to dance with him. I let my hair down, I can tell you. The last time I danced so happily was a world, a romance and a whole cartload of sadness away. It was at the music night held by Alexander’s aunt Nina and I do actually remember it fondly. It is such a shame that none of that ever led to any happiness and now a lot of those people I danced with that night are dead.

 

I could have been, too. I have brought the Athame handle with me. I think I will give it back to Elrond after the wedding, as I see no need to keep it anymore. I do not need a reminder of a weapon that came so close to killing me because it read my emotions as being impure! I was so fortunate that Mjolnir decided to step in. I am sure she is sentient.

 

I have picked her up now, Diary and even as I write, I am touching her runes and she is singing to me! I wonder if Thor can hear her. I wonder if I should try to find Thor. Should I ask Loki where he is? I will have to face up to Loki at some point, I know, but I am rather hoping Elrond and Móðir will prevent him from taking me back to Asgard. He does not need me any more, that much is clear. He has a new love and I am sure that any maid will do now that he no longer has to hide behind a disguise. There must be a reason why Mjolnir has saved my life and why she allows me to lift her. It is as if Mjolnir knew there was a way for me to get through everything and find a new life.

 

**_If only I could find out why…_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Erika, as I am sure it is apparent. Yep, classic writer's mistake, but I've made it and the last few chapters have been my way of showing you the life I would love for her to lead. 
> 
> But... this is fanfic land and more to the point it is my fanfic land and those of you who know me quite well by now also know that I can't let things be too good for too long, because.... where would the fun be in that?!
> 
> ;)


	67. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 67: Confusion Fusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika's mood changes considerably after the previous night's events.

What a night last night Diary. I am so confused about things now. I had made my mind up that I wanted to stay here, but now I am not so sure and I cannot truly tell you why I have had this change in my thoughts. Firstly, the evening was wonderful. There are so many people here from such diverse places and Elrond was kind enough to introduce me to some of them, including the little folk called Hobbits. What marvellous people they are! Truly friendly, a little bit mischievous, very fond of food and drink – and of dancing. I danced with them quite a lot and some of the tunes were a little bit rude and made us laugh quite a lot! It was a truly happy and joyous celebration and I loved every second of socialising with the people from far and wide.

 

You will never guess, though. Who managed to spoil it all? Who was not even there, yet brought all the high spirits I had been feeling to an end? Of course it was Loki. He sent – can you believe? – he sent letters to Móðir and to me. He did not send a messenger, he did not even come to Middle Earth himself. He sent letters. I did not want to read mine and I went to the herb garden to sit and to think, but there is just something about an unopened letter, is there not? Who can resist? Especially when the contents could have consequences if left unread. So I read it. It was basically a request for me to go back to Asgard and at first I dismissed it as interfering with my chance at happiness in Rivendell. But if the truth is told, he was not completely unfair in his words. He does not know what happened to me, only that I ran away after something to do with Liðsvaldr, and he has given me leave to stay for the wedding. But Diary, he wants to talk to me “As a friend” – what does that mean? I do not know.

 

Then there was the strange encounter I had in the garden. There was a really nice person there, a peddler called Loptr. He was having some peace and quiet in the herb garden and it seems I disturbed him with my crying and talking to myself about Loki’s letter. Anyway, for some reason I just blurted out all my problems to this complete stranger as if I had known him all my life. You know when you just click with someone? And he was so patient and kind and understanding and he just listened at first. But then he started to talk with me about things and what he said made perfect sense; Up to now, I have seen all of this from only my own perspective. I have not thought about how hurtful Loki must have found it to have me become close and to become his lover only to have it all torn away because the Athame stole my ability to love him anymore. In my silly and cold mind, I must have assumed a thousand year old God such as Loki would just be able to deal with it all, even when I could not think straight, and I did not even consider that he could have been hurt.

 

And now when I think of how much I hurt, I have to wonder if it is how he was feeling, even though he did keep coming to me and trying to love me and to give me chances to love him back. How awful to try to make love to someone who simply cannot return the same emotions? No wonder he turned away.

 

Which leads me on to what I really want to say this fine morning before I go for my final dress fitting with Helga and Móðir.

 

Diary – I want to go back to Asgard. I need to see Loki. I need to find out what happens now. Although I have fallen in love with Rivendell, I am left wondering if I really have. Could it be that I am holding on to a romantic idea of living in a magical realm such as this because it will make my life better and yet be ignoring the fact that I have not given Asgard a chance since I regained my feelings? Was I simply running away from Liðsvaldr and associating Asgard with him at the expense of and sudden denial of all the wonderful times I have had there? I have to give Asgard a chance, Diary, if only to end up tendering my resignation.

 

**_Most of all, I need to see Loki…._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops, should have published before "States 61" sorry!.....
> 
> Title credit to Testament. This is an instrumental track on their album "Practice What You Preach"


	68. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 68: Big Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite an awful occurrence, Erika's resolve is unwavering.  
> This is the entry mentioned briefly in Ch 69 of "States Of A God's Heart"

Dear Diary, I am in the most beautiful realm, Rivendell. I am here having witnessed my mother’s wedding to the love of her life, Elrond and I have a new sister in Arwen. I am favoured in the fortunes which enrich my life. Terrible things have happened in the last twenty-four hours and yet I do not want to record them in any great detail here for fear of turning you into an encyclopaedia of catastrophes and calamities! Let me simply say that my mother and Elrond faced great peril which was averted by… of all people… Loki.

 

He has been here amongst us. In disguise of course, but not hidden. No, Loki chose to prevent us seeing him by changing into a vibrant and gregarious character and spending time with us! His effrontery is paralleled by no other! Anyway, for the most part we have had a wonderful time here and although there was an awful accident, there are no lasting harmful effects to anyone, although a horse had to be euthanised unfortunately. The really strange part of it all is what happened to me and the person I met, too.

 

Thor is not of Frigga’s blood! His mother is none other than Gaia, the Earth Mother. She has many names, of course, but I was really surprised to learn of this – and from the woman, no the Goddess – herself. She sought me out in Rivendell, sang me a strange song which she said was my own prophesy, and handled Mjölnir. It was while we were talking that the accident happened and I went to help. My memory is a bit hazy as to what happened, but I had visions of many times in Mjölnir’s history where Loki and Thor worked together for the common good and they joined their forces together to create favourable results. Then there was a huge storm around me while I stood next to Mother and Elrond where they lay mortally injured. Within it I saw Loki’s magic and the power of Mjölnir combine to bring them back from the brink.

 

This has such huge implications for me. What do I do now? I cannot simply swan around Asgard and the Nine proclaiming myself to be the wielder of Mjölnir! I do not call her, she arrives. I do not carry out all this ‘magic’, she does. I know I have to get her back to Asgard, though. To leave her here in Rivendell will cause untold problems. So I have made the difficult decision to stand by my intention to leave.

 

**_I am going home, Diary. Home to Loki…………._ **


	69. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 69: Return To Asgard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika goes home.

Am I _really_ so naïve? I suppose I am. My arrival back here in Asgard started well, with Heimdallr making little issue about the fact that I was carrying Mjölnir. Then I went straight to settle back into the simple duties of being the maid of a King, which was so pleasant after all of the rather exciting and frightening things I have experienced of late. Loki looked exhausted when I went to wake him up and he smelled like he had been on the battlefield! He bathed and I shaved him, so that made him look more presentable.

 

When I took his laundry away, I found that the people around the Palace were actually noticing me more and were looking at me in a different manner to how they have in the past. I wonder if they know? I wonder what that will mean for me? Oh – and Diary! You will be most surprised by this… Muninn _spoke_ to me! Well, what I mean to say is that I could understand the sounds he was making, just as if he was speaking Asgardian plain as day! He says it is because of Mjölnir and that Thor and Odin know of my ability to wield her. Oh, I do wonder what this will mean now, because I would swear that I have communicated with Thor in some way through her.

 

But that was where it all went wrong. Loki insisted on talking to me and I lost all control of myself. I had to tell him, Diary, and so I did. I told him that I love him. It was so stupid of me and I cried, too and all he did was comfort me. And I wanted it. I wanted it Diary! I _want_ him! Yet I cannot have someone who is in love with another, can I? Surely there cannot be enough room in his heart for two, and even if there was, is there enough room in mine to allow another to have his attention too? Yet I could not talk to him of this and so I brought up Odin and Thor. I also tried to warn him of the Prophecy Gaia has told me about. The problem is that she is predicting that I will bring about the downfall of all Loki’s plans and that I will be the one to end the line of Odin… and Loki. I could not keep this inside. I _had_ to be honest with him – what if he had plucked it from my mind instead? Needless to say, he did not take any of this very well and he became hard and spiteful towards me.

 

Oh Diary, I wish he was Loptr after all! I wish he could leave all of his poison and bitterness behind and simply be a fun-loving mischief! I would that he could eschew his responsibilities and live a happy life. Yet once again I am being naïve.

 

Anyway, the suite is in complete disarray. It is clean of course, as there has been a maid coming in every day, but it is not to my liking… and my liking is to have it just how Loki likes it, so I am going to spend the day putting it straight.

 

**_It needs to be just right, for I am to have supper with Loki tonight……….._ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is a long time coming, but it is high time I caught Erika's POV up with where we are in States Of A God's Heart. This entry coincides with Ch70 of that tale, so as you can tell, Diaries is a long way behind!


	70. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 70: The Trials Of Erika

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Erika, are you risking your heart because Loki is gambling with his own?

It is the official celebration of Loki’s ascension to the Throne today, Diary. I am not going. I do not want to attend such a gathering again, especially after the Vanaheimian feast. Despite the fact that the people there are supposed to be Gods and Nobles, their behaviour is questionable to say the least!

 

I had supper with Loki last night, but it did not go well at all. I fell asleep after spending all afternoon cleaning and tidying the suites and neglected to arrange supper and Loki found me! I was so ashamed at having fallen asleep on duty! He said it did not matter, but it did to me. He was quite off with me, however. I think he had not had a good day and he started by asking me why I had bothered to come back to Asgard, especially as he believed that I had no one here. That hurt, Diary, really hurt. He sounded like he thought nothing of us. Supper dragged out because he made me feel so miserable and then he read my thoughts about resigning and told me it would not be necessary. I told him how it feels to have to watch him go off with a beautiful woman who is perfectly suited as a mate for him and who is in a high position in the Palace – a perfect consort in other words – and he just blew up at me when I asked him to let me go! He completely lost his temper and turned Jotúnn, which was really scary. He shouted all manner of nasty things to me and tried to provoke me into summoning Mjölnir to carry out the Prophecy of killing him. And by the Norns, Diary, that hurt me the most! Why would I want to kill him? I love him! So I began to shout back and I pretended that I was about to call her, but then I stopped. Well, he backed down eventually, but we were so close to blows that it made me scared enough to throw up.

 

I am not cut out for such things! Why does he push me so far all the time? Why do I have to constantly prove myself to him?

 

So now that I have related all of this, you will probably be dumbfounded by my next revelation to you. There is no use in telling it in great detail, really, but very simply put, Loki realised he had been horrible and he backed down. He came to me and he comforted me and even sent me to the bathroom for a warm soak and then he took me to bed to get some sorely needed sleep.

 

And this morning? Well I have just sent him off to the celebration alone, having spent most of the morning in his bed making love with him. I feel no shame, Diary. I love him and for the first time ever, he has finally told me the same. Loki told me this morning that he loves me and I cannot tell you what that means! So I hope he has a nice time at the celebration, but he will be surrounded by such beautiful people and I confess I am finding it difficult to not think about the potential temptation around him.

 

**_Especially a certain gorgeous Palace Designer…….._ **


	71. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 71: I Belong To Mjolnir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika's life suddenly erupts with much to tell, but at the root of it all, there is the issue with Thor's Hammer.

It is to record lots of incredible news that I write in you this time, Diary. I do not know where to begin, so much has happened and I might not have enough time to get it all down at once.

 

There was an attack at the celebration and it hurt Freyja the Goddess of Beauty terribly. I had been napping at Móðir’s house, which I am closing up, and a very loud noise woke me up. There was smoke coming from the direction of the Palace and it worried me so I set off to get there, which would normally take me a good twenty minutes on foot, but Mjölnir helped me! She came flying into my hand and I took flight with her as Thor does! It was so exhilarating and we got there in mere moments, but it was to a devastating scene.

 

The part of the garden where the Great Lilac stands in commemoration of Odin’s marriage to Frigga was destroyed and the tree itself was ruined and on fire. Statues and bushes were blasted and broken and Freyja was lying prone before Aida. I went to try to help and then Loki turned up with a warrior and something strange happened. As I asked him to help out, I felt power collect within me and it was Thor’s voice which asked him about something called healing stones. I do not remember much of what happened very well, but I know Mjölnir channelled energy through the stones and revived Freyja using me. The sensation was exhilarating and empowering and… oh, I just cannot describe it sufficiently. It felt as if my life had been a dull dream and that I was suddenly truly alive! Yet as soon as her work was done and she became dormant again, I felt as weak as a new-born kitten. I think that is where Thor and I obviously differ; he is a God and as such is already powerful, whereas I am simply an Asgardian girl.

 

Loki was devastated by the destruction of the Great Lilac. Oh, he would not admit it if asked, but I saw it in him just for a moment. I tried to comfort him and I suppose it was a dreadful lapse in socially acceptable behaviour towards my King in public, but it hurt when he refused it. I pity him, diary. In private and when there are no troubles on his mind, he is the most sensitive and caring man, but in public and especially when something angers him, he is the cruellest and most callous person I have ever known. He brought it all around to my ability to wield Mjölnir again. It was almost as if he suspected _me_ of carrying out the attack! And as he became angrier towards me, Mjölnir seemed to react to him, as if she was going to defend me. He took it as an aggressive gesture of course and worked himself up into a complete rage, just as he did last night. I wonder why I stay, Dairy, I really do. Am I so trapped by my heart and my feelings that I will not walk away from him no matter how horrible he can be? Am I so blind? When I read these words, I almost laugh at myself; if I was my own friend, I would shout at myself and tell myself to wake up!

 

I went back to Móðir’s and I stayed there. I did not want to see Loki so soon after a repeat of his terrible behaviour. It is as if what he said to me meant nothing. Can I trust his profession of love? Does he even believe it himself, or did he just say it because he thinks it is what I want to hear? Oh I am so confused!  And to top it all off, I had the most bizarre dream at Móðir’s house, where I appeared to be Thor, ruling over Asgard with Sif as his Queen, but then it all went to ruin and I ended up seeing Thor in a ruined Asgard and shouting at him that I belong to Mjölnir and that I would bring him down if she felt it was necessary! What is going on?

 

Well, I have much more to tell, but I have to go to serve Loki his supper. I will continue next time I have chance. I think I will have to hide you in my wardrobe now, though, because Mjölnir is no longer in my room to protect you.

 

**_Which means Loki is now capable of retrieving you again……._ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Hope you're enjoying catching up with our intrepid maid. If you have any questions etc, then please feel free to comment :)


	72. Diaries Of Loki’s Chambermaid 72: I Belong To Loki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika has a suspicion deep in her gut about Loki's antics

So, where was I? Oh yes, my dream. Well, I still do not know what to make of it, but I decided it was time to remove Mjölnir from my immediate vicinity. All her presence does is cause problems between me and Loki because he cannot let go of his jealousy and suspicions to do with my ability to lift her. No matter how much I have done to try to prove I mean no harm to him and that I am not some kind of proud would-be Royal Assassin, he only ever reacts badly to her. Earlier this evening I took her back to the weapons vault, but when I got there, they would not let me in. Mjölnir came to my aid a final time though – she seemed to channel Thor and it was his power and his voice which came through me and I was allowed inside. It is an amazing place and I could not help but walk up to the plinth at the far end. Upon it was a large casket which seemed as if it was made of stone, but stone through which a storm held within could be seen. It was so beautiful and captivating and I reached out to touch it, but a voice sounded in my mind warning me off. I think it was Loki, but I am not sure, as there are lots of defensive mechanisms around important areas like that.

 

But going back to when I stayed at Móðir’s and the dream I had there; this morning’s walk back to the Palace cleared my head somewhat and when I arrived, I spoke to the ravens of it. I asked if they could communicate the information to Odin and then I went to get Loki up. That was when my day was not so good. I could tell he had passed a bad night and I almost didn’t want to wake him up. I would rather have climbed in beside him and had a nice morning nap. However, I did wake him up and he ended up not wanting to bathe and, well just the way he acted and what he said… oh, Diary I do hate it when I have suspicions like these because they make me feel so bad, but I think he was with Aida while I slept at Móðir’s house. Anyway, I got him ready to go for his breakfast – which he had with his family – and told him that I wanted to talk to him about important things over supper. After he had gone, I ran into Fulla, his former nanny and Frigga’s sister and we decided to join forces in order to get the ravens freed.

 

Earlier today, before I took Mjölnir back to the weapons vault, I actually spent some time in the Palace Spa and, do you know, Diary… I was treated like a Princess! The lady who runs it told me my position entitles me to all kinds of treatments and luxuries in the Spa and elsewhere and I was pampered wonderfully. I have even made a new friend. Her name is Sæunn and she is a young attendant there. She is so very pretty and kind and we had a fun time while I was there, so I have promised we should meet socially soon. It was so nice to talk to someone of a similar age and who is just an ordinary girl like me, not a God or a Goddess, or a noble. Just an ordinary teenaged Palace servant like me.

 

Well, Loki is due back any time and I do not look my usual self any longer. I have had a hair cut and it is now only about half the length it was, but I love it! The curls are light and bouncy now that I have had all that weight cut off and I feel lighter and freer somehow. I want to look good for my King – both in my capacity as his maid and privately, so I hope he likes it. I have a small list of everything I wish to discuss with him too, so wish me luck, Diary.

 

**_It could be a long evening……._ **

 

 


	73. Diaries Of Loki's Chambermaid 73: Palefire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erika struggles with her feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been moons since I updated her diary and it has fallen behind "States" terribly, so here is Erika's version of events from a few days ago....

It was a long evening after all, a very long evening and I suppose I should have known it would be one where we would fall out at some point because of what I wanted to talk with him about. We had a very nice dinner which was served by Head Chef and I managed to get Loki to confirm where Thor and Odin are. It is as Gaia told me; they are on Midgard. I asked about them coming back and he said it was not a good idea. I also told him that I had discussed the Ravens with Fulla and that we both felt his treatment of them was cruel. He unlocked their chains, Diary! Just like that, as if he had no problem with it at all. I do not know if they left, but they are at least free to come and go as they choose now.

 

When I told him that I had returned Mjölnir to the weapons vault, he did not say anything about it, but I know he was pleased. If he had been angry, he would have said something, but I think he is too proud even now to admit when he is happy about something. It is as if the cold hard shell he has built up around him is too comfortable and too important to him to allow it to thaw. Yet the conversation was going quite well at this point. The food was very nice; although I confess watching him eat was fascinating to me and I almost forgot my own plate. I know I am under some kind of infatuation with him, but I cannot help it and I seem to lose concentration when I am around him. He had noticed my new look of course and he complimented me on it, but the conversation quickly changed because he is just so oblivious to my predicament; that I can never be with him officially. When I pointed it out to him and told him he needs a Queen he became upset. I should explain before I carry on. I used Odin’s words from when he split Loki and Móðir up all those years ago and, well, it hurt him. I tried to run out and to my own room because I was upset too, but he stopped me and transported me to his mother’s garden, which has been shut off since she died. We talked there about his mother a little, but the conversation soon came back to our relationship. I told him once more that I cannot possibly have any future with him. I am mortal, I am of a lowly background and I would never be accepted as any sort of Royal companion. Yet it is as if he does not want to acknowledge the truth of it. Oh Diary, it is breaking my heart! Why did I ever allow myself to get this way?

 

It is quite obvious to me now, today, as I sit in the broad light of a beautiful autumnal day here in my room. It is because I am under the spell of the Trickster. How much of it is voluntary I do not know, but I am and I see no way out of it without heartache. I feel I must remove myself from his presence for a time and give him the space to find himself a true companion and potential Queen. Perhaps then I can come back into his service and be a maid to them both? Yet even as I write this, I know it might not work out. Only this morning, he avoided talking about things with me further by waking me up and making love to me in the most passionate way. And I did nothing to stop him. He is just so – oh I do not know! He is the must insufferably attractive and desirable and lovable fool!

And so he left this morning to go about Palace business and it was as if we had never had the conversation about his needing a noblewoman or a Goddess as his consort. My lasting memory of this morning is of the pale fire of the morning sun illuminating his handsome face as we made love. I cannot shake it. I have decided that I am going to make Loki Laufeyson aware of just what I am made of and I am going to accost him in a private corridor to kiss him! I am the maid of the Mischief after all! Yet at some point I know I will have to walk away from all of this.

 

**_Diary, how am I going to break this addiction………._ **

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you have had a lovely time over the festive period no matter your beliefs. 
> 
> I wish you peace and successes for 2017,  
> Palefire73  
> xxx


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